Green-cell

by abelgaiya

Published April 3, 2013

In Franchises

I blocked his attack with my left arm, and then I quickly retaliated with a punch to his belly. He groaned. I bend forward, then spun my body like a disk; he fell to the floor like a bag of sand. His cry of pain did not satisfy me. I flipped myself forward, landing with my knees on top of his chest. His scream was louder now; but still not satisfying. I rolled off from his body and stood on my feet. He was slowly getting up. I grabbed his long black hair, and collided it forcefully against my kneecap. Then I was satisfied.

For a level 3 wanted man, Rick Marvin was an easy guy to beat. He only relied on his tough Scottish accent and large muscles for respect amongst men of the underworld. He was just another poser who thought his intimidation got to everyone. 

I returned to the police station with the blood-soaked Rick to collect my bounty. That was my profession - a bounty hunter. I  was certified by the Federal Bureau of  Extrahuman Enforcement to catch criminals who were too 'strong' for the police to handle. The country was filled with individuals who were left with superhuman abilities after the recent eradication of the ST virus through the use of the QTailine drug. As the medical pros said, the QTailine, through an amazing process which was thought impossible, converted the virus into body cells. What they did not notice was the abnormality of the cells which contained a by-product of the decellularisation process between the ST virus and the QTailine chemical. That by-product, called the SQT, or green cells (because of its colour) laid latent until after the global eradication. 

I may be a man of large muscles, but I am smart as well, or I am just able to remember most of what I read in the papers. I guess it can be attributable to the SQT within me. 

That night that I caught Rick Marvin, my partner Sergeant Henry was at the FBEE headquarters attending to issues of a more civilised nature. Henry was my 'moderator'. Every green-celled bounty hunter was assigned a non-green human as a partner to check and balance their actions, so that there would be no misconduct. My moderator was not always around to check me because he was a top dog who always had things to do in the organization. Besides, he had observed me thoroughly and concluded that I could control myself without him.

"Rick Marvin, wanted level 3, reference number AA268234. Hunter Luke Baldwin, Moderee of Sergeant Henry Keystone, agent number 274." The computer announced my entry into the station. Some heads turned around to get a glimpse of me as I walked to the submission desk. I had gained fame majorly for my submission of the notorious green-celled villain who called himself Dr Might. He wasn't so mighty anymore when I grabbed his legs and smashed his head into several brick walls until he passed out.

"Here's your guy, all tired and beaten just how you like it." I said in the usual joking tone with which I always spoke to Howard, the submission officer.

"Whoa Luke! That's two level threes and three level twos in a day. At this pace you'll be able to beat Hunter Sam's record."

I must confess that I always liked how Howard praised me. 

"Yeah yeah, just take him in and let me be off to sleep. It's almost 2 am, and tomorrow's another work day." I pushed the weak prisoner forward, and he collapsed on Howard's desk like jelly.

I was out of the station and my eyes were getting droopy due to my constant lack of sleep. I already imagined myself falling onto my warm bed and drifting out of reality with my clothes still on. 

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
rwalgren
Review
rwalgren wrote a review Review · May 4, 2013

OHHHH! I like this one. good job picking something with superpowers because it's usually underused in my opinion a lot of other settings/plots have been taken and rung completely out. Is this a chapter? because if it isn't then this short story needs to be developed further like not just a rising action but with a climax too and falling actions.

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StoneHeart
Review
StoneHeart wrote a review Review · Apr 28, 2013

schadenfreude

Okay, so Black here for a Review day Review!


O.o Okay, so first off, this was MEGA-AMAZING! I loved it, the originality of it feels stunning! The way you write is beautiful, the words seem to just flow off the page and come right at you (How I like it – easy to enjoy) . . . A+ on this piece for sure. All right, so I'm here to help you, I'd love to be able to sit down and tell you that this was a perfect story in every way, and that I had nothing to add to it, however if I did it would be a lie, because I do have a couple of things to add to it.

First off, your Grammar: Okay, so a lot of your problems are simple, mostly things that can be fixed with a spell/grammar checker and a quick review before posting. I'll cover as many as I can.

retaliated with a punch to his belly. He groaned. I bend forward,


Okay, so you change tense with 'bend', it should be 'bent'. You make the paragraph all jerky with that period after 'belly', it should be a comma. (Note: Nice job starting the story with action, I love that)

For a level 3 wanted man


I think you need a large 'l' on 'level'.

Federal Bureau of Extrahuman Enforcement


All right, 'Extrahuman' isn't a word, but 'Extra-human' is.

by-product of the decellularisation process


I'm pretty dead certain that 'decellularisation' isn't a word (I can guess what it is though), and even if it was it would be spelled 'de-cellularization' . . . I can't think of any replacements for it, not at all, I'm afraid to say. . . . You're gonna have to think on it.

green cells (because of its colour)


XD, I think you mean 'color' here.

more civilised nature. Henry was my 'moderator'.


I think you mean 'civilized' here, not 'civilised' . . . that isn't even a word at all.

Really, don't be discouraged, your grammar is your biggest problem. There are probably more mistakes, but I'm too tired right now to pick them out (Get yourself a nit-picking reviewer for that . . . not me – not tonight).


Everything else: So I'm going to wind up this review fast so I can move to other things I need to do. The rest of your story, meaning Plot, Theme, Style, Spelling, Idea, Action, Dialogue, Monologue . . . etc. is pretty good. Some, like your Plot and theme, have yet to show themselves, but I have a good feeling that they're there. Keep up the good work here!

Overall? Work on that grammar, keep up everything else (Especially the originality), and you're in for a really, really good story!

Keep writing (Nice work – again)

~Black~

Thanks for the pointers. But just to be clear, my country follows the diction of the British. So civilise and colour are actually correct according to English standards. You use American English way of spelling which I don't employ in my writing.

Thanks again for the review.

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Lava
Review
Lava wrote a review Review · Apr 28, 2013

Hello hey!

I like stores which start off difrectly into the action, yet I think you could improve it. In the sense that, right now it reads off like the text on a video game or something. Since we're reading and don;t have visual stimuli, it is up to the author to paint the scene and let it unfold in front of us. Try to be more descriptive and show us some different aspects of the fight. As Sarah said, maybe some emotion woulddn't hurt in this chunk.

Okay, I love love science. I think it would be cool to describe the QTalline/ST virus chunk a little more in detail. Right now, it leaves me a but confused. You mention decellularization, yet there are green cells? You could clarify a bit over there. Do they green celled people have green patches of skin?

I had gained fame majorly for my submission of the notorious green-celled villain who called himself Dr Might.
This sounds like he's bragging. And I think you can show that he's good in a different way. Mention it in conversation or something.

Anyway, good start! Keep writing!
~Lava

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TriSARAHtops
Review
TriSARAHtops wrote a review Review · Apr 5, 2013

A good start to the story- it throws the reader right into the story. The action scene is well-written, but it lacks a certain not desperation, but feeling of danger. You have achieved well in making it a visual fight scene that the reader can imagine, but I might have prefered more emotion in it.
In the third and fourth paragraphs, you might have done better to show rather than tell.

"I may be a man of large muscles, but I am smart as well, or I am just able to remember most of what I read in the papers. I guess it can be attributable to the SQT within me."

If instead of stating that the character whose point of view you are writing from is muscular, you could have perhaps shown the audience in a slightly more roundabout way than just saying so. Perhaps by sating so in dialogue, or if the character spoke about a training regime of some sort, the message would get across. The same goes when you said that the character is smart.

Good dialogue, and I liked how you introduced the name of your protagonist, with the computer. It not only gives the reader clues into the story's world, but it is also a very natural way of giving the reader the protagonist's name.

I think that overall, a very good story. You writing style works very well in this genre, so keep at it!



How can I be king of the world? Because I am king of rubbish. And rubbish is what the world is made of.
— Kate DiCamillo, The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane