I never asked for the drug to come
I never hoped for a deliberate dose
was watching the red sky through the window
but now I wish you'd die to my fill
felt you enter my torture cell
felt your silence pleasantly kill
I never hoped to get addicted till
I worshipped your glow
and it spins around in my brow
your mutilation is so cold
and that fascinates me more
you kill me just as you will
and this won't stop until
one of us decays to their pill
but even then we'd remember that day
when we lost our wish and will
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey there! joallover here for a review on this wonderful Review Day for team Mazarine Marauders!
I liked what you tried in this. I do think, though, that it could be stronger.
First of all, I will say I think it is a good thing to have good flow in poetry, and yes, you have it, but I think it would be worth while to mention this tidbit piece of advice. Count the beats in your phrases. If you line up the beats in your phrases, the flow will become ten times better.
Second, if you are going to rhyme your phrases, make it consistent and numbered. For instance, you have will, pill, until and will. Above that, fill, kill and till. The rhyming is inconsistent from the way I see it, although that could be purposeful. I'm not the author, although if it is, it may be nice to have a little note that says it is so the readers don't get confused.
Other than that, the content was really rather good. Keep working at it! Even the best of writers need improvement!
Peace Love and Fahrvergnugen!
-joallover
Hello. This is 567ajt, here to review your poem. Now, you have proclaimed that this is an "emo" poem. I find that this self-attribution of the term makes this poem really forced. Besides, "emo" doesn't mean depressing, but also passionate and introvert. It's all about the extremity of emotions. Your interpretation of "emo" seems a bit stereotypical, leaning towards suicide and self-harm.
Why did you end the capitalisation after the second line? Unless there is a valid reason, I don't see why you would, unless you typed this up on a phone. Content wise, it is ok. A bit stale and dry, in need of some seasoning, but harmless. I was confused about "die to my fill", and I assume this was a typo, but oh well- it doesn't add or detract merit to this work.
Why this is guy "fascinated" by mutilation? Is the mutilation a metaphor? I am not exactly sure what to think about this. Also, the rhyming feels a bit forced, with "kill" and "till" being used. Your vocabulary, for a self-proclaimed "emo" poem, is not very emotive. Literally- you use the word "cold", and nothing really dramatic. I like the idea of this, a presumed drug overdose. However, your execution needs a lot of work.
Ohhh the pill was a metaphor. Ok. That wasn't really well...explained. I am a bit confused about this poem. I like how it tries to be abstract, but the effort isn't matched with the final product.
Overall, nice idea, and an ok work. You can do a lot of work in revising the language to suit the genre you are going for.
Also, this is really depressing. It made me sad.
I liked the ideas behind this piece. However, with some punctuation and stanza breaks this could be fantastic. To me poetry needs punctuation and sentences just like regular writing. So if I were you I would start out by really reading through and look for edits.
I never asked for the drug to come (add a coma after come)
I never hoped for a deliberate dose, (I recommend you take out the I and add a coma)
watching the red sky through the window (here I would add "I was just" before watching)
but now I wish you'd die to my fill. (this sentence needs to be reworded, add a period)
felt you enter my torture cell (Start this line with I )
felt your silence pleasantly kill, (take out felt, and make kill past tense, come after)
I never hoped to get addicted till
I worshipped your glow (worshiped is spelled wrong)
and it spins around in my brow, (coma after brow)
your mutilation is so cold (take out is)
and that fascinates me more (the last few lines could be reworked for clarity purposes)
you kill me just as you will
and this won't stop until
one of us decays to their pill
but even then we'd remember that day
when we lost our wish and will
Those are just a few suggestions, take them or leave them. I really liked the idea and if you clean it up some it could be fantastic. Keep Writing!
Hey, nice poem.
Just one line i don't understand
"but now I wish you'd die to my fill"
Another thing. Can you explain the title? I don't quite get it.
The rest is brilliant.
Keep writing good poetry.
I tried to add a lot of dark themes to the poem, they include necrophilia, excessive drug consumption, sadism and amputee fetishism. The line you quoted is the necrophilia part. As for the title, I thought it fit the theme of the poem, as the one I love is indulged in such deeds as well, she is evil - like me. So she's the darkness, and I am in love with the darkness..hope this answered your question
Ok, i get the title. But I still don't get the line. "My fill" is what i don't understand. Grammar mistake maybe. What fill is yours?
"Until I'm satisfied" is what "my fill" means. I won't explain it further! Lol I like to keep some mystery to my work! Don't mind lol.
LOL. Great. I like it. Good work.