Published November 11, 2007
I wrote this well...I don't really know what it is...last night. It's still in draft stage but please tellme what you think.
Apartment 5B
He tromps up the worn stairs, gaze floating down the long corridor of doors, portals into the lives of others.He stops at the one that is his own, wishing it were another; wishing that instead of cold lonliness, there would be a warm fire, a dog, maybe even a girlfriend who would cook dinner for him. He struggles with the lock, perhapsa little longer than necessary, and slowly creaks the door open. White walls, black, leather sofa, standard size TV. No greeting, just silence. He walks into the kitchen, also white, everything in place. His hands float to his neck and stay there for a while. He wishes they were someone else's; someone he could talk to. After devouring the remains of a bag of chips, he opens a cupboard and searches for the cough medicine. Sick he is not but he knows that without it, he won't fall asleep and he must wake up early tomorrow morning. He downs a dose and a half and soon starts to feel a blanket of sleep come upon him. Later he will find out that he has cancer,or that the girl he slept with two weeks ago is pregnant, but right now, sleep is all that matters.
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141,399 Literary Works • 674,387 Reviews
Ahoy there! Haven't seen you around before, welcome to YWS! My name is Razorblade.
This is nice! A bit on the short side with a bit of an anticlimactic ending, but it was simple and sweet. I would've preferred an ending with a bit more punch and a little less telling. You also have some grammatical and spelling errors which any basic spell checker should catch, nothing with homonyms or anything. Proofreading always helps, too.
Still! I look forward to more work from you.
-St. Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate
This is quite good but you need to go into more detail to make any real impact upon the reader - as it stands it is interesting but neither thought provoking nor emotive. Work on it a bit and see what you can do to make it better.
Bkwrm
I liked this. It's a start to something.
perhaps a
Bit of a confusing sentence. It makes it seem like he wants someone to strangle him.
This sentence is a bit stiff. Maybe try not to finish with this.
Overall, I think this could really go somewhere. As it stands it's not a lot, but with some more description (Remember, smells, colours, texture, pattern) and some more emotion from this man it could take off.
Generally, an expansion is what is needed on this.
All the best,
Alainna
xxx