Published August 18, 2011
Within these four corners,
Walls of lies, fake laughters,
Been talking to myself once more
As the flower starts to wither.
It's kind of insane;
But compared to sanity,
This is much more okay -
I'd better live like this
I don't know how to fix this pain.
For all the things that I paid,
I never knew this will be my change.
I am such a fool and lame
Screaming might help this ease,
Than keeping these feelings inside me.
The wounds within aren't really healing.
These scars, I'll be forever wearing
I can't say, "This is all because of you,"
Because after all it's me who's a fool,
Thinking of a happy ending with you,
But in the end it's all untrue
You were just my inspiration for everything -
Everything that brought me here
I thought we would be together living here
But wouldn't it be happier if it happened really?
'Cause the flame started out too early
And it ended up in a fatal crashing
The heart's torn into not just two but infinity
And the melody has just stopped playing
Before I thought I was a beauty
But I turned out to be the ugliest beauty
And I got no choice but to accept the reality
Facing the truth I was boasting of nothing
All these I realized in just one night -
The night when you vanished out of my sight
And I haven't even said goodbye
Now I'm telling it in the midst of a lonely night
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138,001 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
Hello Abbie!
Well, I thought this poem was pretty spectacular. I liked the description, but a few things kept nagging me.
I don't like the kinda, but at least it goes with the flow, right?
I don't know about the "If it happened really?" part. It sort of stood out, like it wasn't supposed to be in the poem. I suggest you change that line.
GREAT JOB AND KEEP WRITING!!!
~Kat
When you wrote this, I feel that you have an inspiration
It's a very nice poem
And you've really explained the girl's feelings...
Only thing you need to fix is your construction of sentences. That's all you need to work on.
And your rhyming scheme. Like just the above post mentioned.
'I'm such a fool and lame'
When there's an 'and' between 2 words it has go with the describing sentence.
Like this for example.
' She has a laptop and mp3'
The 'She has' goes with both laptop and mp3
She has a laptop
She has a mp3.
So you're 'I'm such a fool and lame' will become
I'm such a fool
I'm such a lame.
It makes no sense. That's the mistake I found and I think you can be a great poet if you just work on these constructions and you'll be a fine poet
All the best <3
Hey there!
First paragraph, first line: 'kinda' won't work, love. Either 'kind of' or chuck the word and think of something else,
'I am such a fool and lame' from the third stanza. The grammer is so wrong. Because you were so eager on making the entire poem rhyme, just like the above, there were so many places the grammer was off. There are to types of poetry writing : rhyming poems or not. Choicing the first one, you put yourself at great risk. It limits your word choice and when you do do it, the grammer tears your poem apart.
Love, you had no puntuations, and that killed me :C I review tons of poems so I know how much the meaning can change with just one comma or fullstop. It will bring more feel to the poem!
The oxymoron 'ugliest beauty' was really good, as the above reviewer said.
Other than that, well done!
If you need anything, let me know. Keep writing!
-JT.
Lovely written poem.
The first line of the seventh stanza, I think "am" is supposed to be "was": "Before I thought I was a beauty"
I like the oxymoron " ugliest beauty", in the line that follows after.
'Cause the flame started out too early- I don't see the need for apostrophe there.
Overall, nice dramatic poetry.