En el camino hacia la casa solo habia soledad, mi corazon estaba roto.
No encontraba una sola razon para seguir viviendo, no tenia ni una sola ilusion. La vida parecia querer herirme, no entendia las cosas que me ocurrian. El dia estaba soleado y hermoso, no habia ni una sola nube pero mi alma estaba llena de dolor y te miedo, un terrible miedo a la soledad. Caminaba y veia a las personas con sus parejas, con sus hijos y parecian felices mas yo estaba triste, habia perdido a mi madre hacia unos meses y sentia que el mundo se me caia encima.
La luz de el sol me daba en mi pelo haciendolo lucir mas claro, me daba en la cara y respire ante la belleza de el dia. Queria sonreir pero no podia. Mi vida era triste, mis amigos todos vivian lejos y yo estaba desconectada de el mundo. Seguia caminando para llegar a casa, comeria sola como siempre y el silencio llenaria mi alma. La gente vivia su vida y les importaba un pepino el resto de la humanidad, asi veia yo la vida de pesimista. Antes de llegar a casa le compre a Lily la muchacha de el puesto de flores unas rosas de varios colores aunque fuese para alegrar mi tarde. Caminaba lento porque sabia que si llegaba a casa estaria sola y me deprimiria. Me tropeze con el pastelero que me hizo entrar a probar su nueva obra de arte, un pastel de coco con queso crema, estaba delicioso, no hable mucho con el, luego volvi a retomar el camino a casa. Yo seguia deteniendo mis pasos, entonces entre a una libreria, comenze a mirar los libros mientras aguantaba las rosas con una mano, me detuvo la figura de un joven que me miraba desde la escalera donde ponia libros en los estantes, me sonrio y entonces sin querer le sonrei, me entretube mirando otros libros y cuando mire a la escalera otra vez el no estaba, no podia haber bajado tan rapido de la escalera, quizas lo imagine, a lo mejor lo sone, estaria volviendome loca de tanta soledad, ya no sabia ni que pensar y por eso sali de alli sin comprar nada rumbo a casa donde podria estar refugiada de mi dolor.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: So...I have to say I don't really know any Spanish beyond the word "hola" and "gracias". So I've put this thing through Google Translate so I apologize in advance for any words that are not translated properly. Well this started out like a pretty sad story and then it got just a touch off at least to me. Again I dunno if its the language barrier but yeah.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well that is quite a powerful entrance right there...quite a line...gets your attention straightaway.
Oh dear, well you're definitely not holding back at all with the sadness there. Ties into that opening while quite well and hits you with several rather powerful emotions all at once. This is shaping up to be quite a sad story here.
Well okay that was interesting, a little change of tone almost, although maybe that is because it just sounds different in English, you can never be too sure about that. Um...this does seem like a fairly large chunk of text though. Its describing a lot of actions just in a row and I don't quite sense all that much purpose in in it so a little worrying there.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall there was some nice imagery and the language that you used was quite powerful in the right places which certainly makes for a pretty interesting story but that last bit was just not paced very well in my opinion. Anyway that's about all I've got to say.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Leja, can you tranlate this for me. I really want to read it.
Hello! Ooh, I'm so happy to see some Spanish around here ^_^ (by the way, don't feel like you have to translate everything. Some things just aren't as effective on one language as another) I'm studying it as a second language, so let's see how I've done understading, yes? ^_^ (perdoname si no escribo en español, pero si yo lo hiciera, no vas a leerlo esta "critique" nunca; tan mucho tiempo pasará!)
There's a whole lot of telling that goes on here. Ex:
Why was life trying to hurt the character? If she were to go on to explain things that were happening in her life, things that made it seem like it was trying to kill her, I could understand. However, what follows is a description about the weather. It's missing a crucial "Why?" factor, and that's where you'll find the heart of the story.
Similar with this:
What follows "my life was sad" is reason for why the narrator's life was sad, but it doesn't really touch on specifics. I feel like I'm reading a summary of the story insead of the story itself, or watching a trailer for a movie.
Concetrate on parts like this; they seem to be the heart of your story. They show rather than tell or summarize, and that's a good thing. That lets the reader live the story along with the character and ultimately connect with them more. And it's in that connection that a story can sometimes be more effective.
Also, look to break up the paragraphs a little more; wherever there's a major time break or a scene change, there should generally be a new paragraph. I think a few of those might have been overlooked here.
Translation please.
You really need to translate this.
I had to use an online translator to read it.
I know some spanish, but it is just too hard to read.
I didn't even read all of the story because translation from spanish to english doesn't do it justice.