Published October 27, 2010
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140,965 Literary Works • 673,797 Reviews
A very beautiful poem, simple sweet and capturing. I enjoyed reading this but I was a little lost with your "who knows, who burns, who gains...etc" I don't think they made enough sense. I think you were trying to fill spaces with those or add a fourth rhyme to your paragraph. Other than that, it was beautiful, good job ^^
I realy like this poem and too have to disagree with the first two comments. I think the poem reads really well and its a very dark and scary poem i just love it!
Aw ... I completely disagree with the above two comments. I don't think there's anything 'wrong' with it at all!
I like the feel of it - it seems quite scary and eerie (the imagery is v powerful sometimes!)
And the way that the lines run on with no punctuation, then are broken up by the shorter, questioning line. It sounds almost as if the narrator is questioning themselves mid-thought. The effect is quite disjointed, (I think this is what the others were referring to) but it comes across as intentional and reinforces the twisted images ...
It's almost as if the narrator is going a bit mad, and this is an insight into their mind ... it's very dark and mysterious and i love it
I kind of agree with ZLYF. I felt like there's something wrong with it. Anyway, write more to improve your writings.
Good luck and keep writing,
Alicia.
is this supposed to rhyme? feels like there something wrong with the way it joins XD