Who Knows?

Hey there abba! I see we haven’t met. I’m Lily! *bows*

So, I think you’ve set this poem up with some great imagery. That is probably the most impressive part of this poem. The problem is, for me at least, that a lot of the images seem very disjointed.

How far would I go for you?
Maybe I’ve become immune
The clock in my mind is set to June

This in particular stood out to me as seeming very disconnected. Each line sticks out, but not in a good way. They don’t seem to belong with one another, and I’m going to almost guess that the reason behind this might be because you were attempting to maintain the rhyme scheme.

Which brings me to my next, and last, point.

A last lover’s whisper death bestows
And breathes
Who knows?

You keep the poem with this:
a/a/a/a
b/b/b/b
c/c/c/c

The pattern is solid. But all of a sudden, you add change the last bit to:
d/d/d/d/e/d

I’m not sure where that ‘e’ came from. But each time I read over it, that line really stuck out to me. If you’re going to use such a structured rhyme scheme, changing it all of a sudden, will throw any reader off.

But I do have to say that the line “Papercuts and freezerburn” was probably my favorite of them all. I’m not sure what it is but the imagery really stood out for me. Just remember that, even though the images are well-written and worded, that doesn’t mean that you can just throw a bunch of them together. They should be like the swatches of cloth used to put a quilt together. A bunch of separate pieces of cloth sewn together to create a good, sturdy quilt.

Anyways, if you have any questions, don’t hesitate to PM me or leave me a message on my wall and of course, welcome a billion times over, to YWS!