3 Haikus

Hello, Ab! I'm June, welcome to YWS!

Ah, Haiku. I love them, and not enough people write them. It's so wonderful when people actually take the time to write them, because usually they're all wonderful. And even if they don't turn out so, I know it took a bit of effort and thought to squeeze your ideas into seventeen syllables.

Let's take a look at these, one-by-one, and I'll criticize them each a bit.

I

The Sliver of Moon

The Turquoise Sky is Calling

Another Blank Page

So!

I like this, and I don't. I like it because the image of a silver moon and turquoise sky is so beautiful and kind of surreal-ish, because the sky is seldom, if ever, turquoise. It's kind of a nice touch to have it like that, really broadens imagination.

Nevertheless! I'm not so sure I like the beginning of the second line with "The"-- the has been used in the previous line, so you should use this opportunity to use another word, and even if you substitute it with something as simple as "A", that will work perfectly. In fact, I would like "A" there a lot more, because "A turquoise sky" will symbolize easily that there are different skies (ie: pink skies, indigo skies... red skies. Okay, kidding, but!) while "The" would symbolize that there's only one sky... if that makes any sense?

The last line here is kind of... iffy with me. I like it and I don't, because with the first two lines, it's sort of like, the moon and the sky are calling another blank page to be filled up with descriptive writing. However! In another sense, it's like: What does a page have to do with a moon and sky at all?

It's not a terribly bad thing, but lots of times, in haiku, the lines feel disconnected, but really are connected! It's taken a really broad reach to connect these, dear.

II

The Abyss Below

The Pool of Water Reflects;

A Sky With no Stars

Again, little thing with "The" again. Here, instead of the last line not actually connecting, I think it's more so the first line.

I like the abyss/water comparison, but, I think that it doesn't fit here. Maybe if the second line were /pool of water reflecting/ then this could fit more?

Also! You will seldom see punctuation used in haiku, dear, unless it's in the middle of a line, like, in the case of description or splicing. Or something. Not actually at the end of a line, because the creativity is in the words, dear.


III

The King on a Throne

The Ants Beneath Him Minute

Power Unrivaled

XD

This is cute, but also confusing!

I'm not so sure about this king-- I assume you mean the king of ants? But, usually, it's a queen-- no king-- in an ant community.

And, the second line! I'm not sure what you mean by the /minute/ and such-- it's kind of confusing, because this seems to take on a more deep meaning with a steep climb to understanding it?

But, same thing with the "The"; try not to overuse words in haiku, if such overusing is possible.


Nice work, though! Thanks for the read, and wonderful work on these, dear.


Juniper