Published April 24, 2013
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Hi Roxy here!
Its my favorite paragraph! 
I know that this is your first poem so I think that we all need a bit of encouragement, cause it takes courage to show others your work! So well done for being brave enough!
I thought that this was a really cute and sweet poem and I liked how you started with how you met and progressed into a relationship, its a real down to earth poem, about real love and you describe the feelings that every person gets going into a new relationship well so good job!
I think that the last paragraph is really sweet and honest!
Overall I think that this is a really good first poem!
I really hope you keep it up!
PM me if you need any help!
thank you
Lets switch it up a bit?
I feel like this poem needs more variety to it. It's almost like you're telling a story where you have a set number of ways you can write a sentence instead of exploring all of the possibilities out there. Also, do we have to use talking 24/7, staring, and sparks? These things could mean completely other things. Getting frustrated with people can create sparks in the stomach, or getting caught with your pants down, or even running! Also people who argue 24/7 still talk 24/7, and people can stare at one another when they're studying proportions. These things are sticking to the stereotypical romance and I want some fresh meat. Plus those romances usually don't end so well when they're based off of how often you talk, chemistry of kisses, and a hidden emotion of love. Relationships need something more stable to stand on, like common interests, curiosity, mutual benefit, that type of thing. I'd like to see this relationship in a few years and see how it turns out. Some of the time, they make it, most of the time something happens.
So change your syntax, play with new symbols for love, and try surprising the reader. These things will help the poem grow. Overall, keep the pacing. You had a nice lay out for how quick things should progress through to the relationship at the end.
thanks for the advice. it's my first poem.
Okay, so Black here for a Review Day Review!
First off nice work, it WAS cute how you developed their relationship with practically no relations to anything else . . . However much I'd like to say that this is perfect I must tell you that there are a couple problems: Mainly this, this is one of those pieces of poetry with a really over used and thus weak theme, as of such the way that it reads is sadly unacceptable . . .
Look at this.
Besides the fact that this is really jerky, read it through. You can't do it in a nice, skipping pace like you should be able to with all poetry, you have to read it, sentence by sentence, like in a book . . . did I mention it was jerky?
People usually use rhyme to fix this major problem . . . I'd advise you to as well, rhyming would go especially well here seeing as it has, in my opinion, a rather weak theme.
It’s the second day of school.
She walks into the class.
She notices how incredibly funny
He is.
Just a quick note about something I like to not do when I do what little poetry I do do. I DON"T MAKE SENTENCES OF SUCH VARYING LENGTH. This stanza reads really, REALLY jerky. "She notices how incredibly funny (PAUSE) he is" . . . Is it just me or did that read wrong . . .
Anyway, nice work . . . The way you developed the relationship was definitely very nice!
Keep writing (How else will you get to be really good?)
thanks for the tips. it's my first poem
Very cute; I liked how you naturally evolved a friendship to a relationship. Nice use of power verbs and keep writing.