Published September 23, 2012
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140,080 Literary Works • 672,994 Reviews
I read a review on your piece and I must say that I agree with it, I am not sure whether I like the piece or not it is slightly co fusing and I guess that's the point, to make you think and try to interpret it in your own way and yes in that sense it is perfectly well constructed and a great use of words are used.
Also if you Interpret it In your own way you can have many different ways of interpreting it and I find that to be a good characteristic poetry and work like this needs so that it allows feelings and words of oneself to be put in and that is important in any good piece.
This piece of poetry in particular has a lot of emotion and is pretty expressive. The repetition shows emphasis and talking about "the self" was a good topic, I must admit. It gathers you in and makes you think in to the deeper image of your self and the poem.
There is a good rhyming scheme being followed and the work is well formatted and performed. I hope you keep up the work. Work on a few thi ngs In the piece for example the I mediate repetition ascot could bore readers. Meaning that you had a line and then Repeated it and then had a new sentence and the repeated the same line as before. Try To avoid over use of this other that that it is an amazing piece..keep up the good work. Xoxo
Another good review, thanks. I'm pleased with the fact that you see something in it, and can see where you're coming from about being repetitious or a little boring. Looking at it again, I can see that at least when reading it, the repetition (especially of "The self,") could be kind of bland, it sounds nicer when said with a pause and feeling and has a flow, whereas reading it that flow is different. But maybe thats just me in denial
but thanks for the review!
*Dusts keyboard off.* Man, it's been quite a while since I've last reviewed.
I'm not sure whether or not I like this piece, all I know is that it is intriguing and slightly confusing - mainly confusing in the last stanza. Even though you have stated it to be a song, the repetition is slightly too much. To keep the repetition, but too lessen it, I would remove only put "Sense of self sensed something else" once after every other little tidbit. The little tidbits in the second stanza - I like them. They fit into the poem well and really do help create the emotion in this poem.
For the first stanza, I love the techniques you've used there. The separation between lines lines that you've used creates a hard to explain but wonderful effect. Each separation is like a breath, getting longer as the spaces do. It's like the new self peeling away from the old self as the events happen.
To me, this poem seems to be very self-exploratory - possibly looking into / recounting some sort of inner-turmoil or emotional pain. Either way, the images are conveyed rather well. It flows really nicely too. The rhyme is done rather well, but a more definitive break in the scheme somewhere could work.
Other than that (and the typo of 'esle' in the final line) you did a rather good job with this poem. Of course, there is room for improvement, but isn't there always? I give this a thumbs up and a like for the sake of it. Keep writing!
- noninjaspresent
Thanks for the great review, apparently it is a little repetitious, but I wouldn't want to sacrifice anything besides what you suggested, saying "Sense of self sensed something else" once. And I'm so glad about what you said about my format use, it sounds like you really got it! And that makes me glad knowing that someone will be able to grasp that. And what do you mean by a definitive break?
Honestly, I don't like this piece very much. There's a lot of repetition, which can be a valuable poetic tool, but here it feels more confusing and drowning out the actual message. I'll give you props for experimenting with the format, though. In the future, I think it would be best to use more concrete images to convey meaning. Keep writing!
Get and respect your point, but it wasn't supposed to be of any complexity, I wanted to use that sound in "self" through most of it because it would be a song, and would have this kind of somber, echoing, slow, flow of words. So the repetition was all intentional, so it's not like I'm offended by your opinion. Because that would be dumb too haha.
Very emotional. I love the way everything seems to flow.