Waking The Fallen City of Evil 3

umm...i can see in parts of your story you were trying the be sassy or sarcastic with your caracter but i think it fell shart because you have no details in the strory. you also put the "effect" befor you put the "cause" like when the woman handed you the pie then she asks; "does she have a free hand to take it ?" i just think you need alot more details throught the whole thing. And is the main character a girl or boy? if they are just a kid,why is the babey nursing from them.

This was about the shortest chapter I've ever read. So, I'm quoting all of it!

a7xlatina978 wrote:CHAPTER 3: A VISITOR


I wake up to the sound of somebody knocking at the front door. I look at my clockwhich tells me it is only 8 am…Who would be here to see us this early?This isn't actually thatearly My sibs Your what?at school and mom isat work, Jorge is also asleep. Nobody is available to get it so I do. My baby sister is now sleeping in my room. She’s wide awake,So she isn't exactly sleeping is she? I pick her up. Wouldn't you have to get out of bed to picke her up?I get out of bed, messy hair, bare feet, sleep shorts, braless tank top, baby and all. My eyes squint from sleep as I go down stairs. I open the door and a woman about my mother’s age is at the door with a pie and a large smile.
“Can I help you?” I ask her politely and sleepily.
“Hello, I am Maria Baker, sorry to wake you honey. I am your new neighbor. My son Zachary came over a few days ago to meet you. Who is this little cutie?”
“My sister.”
She hands me the pie.Does she have a free hand to take it?
“Welcome to the neighborhood, to you and your family.”
“Thank you.”
“I just wanted to stop by before work, why are you not in school?”
“Not registered yet.”
“Oh, well if you need help tell your mother I am here for you.” She's the new neighbour yet she's the one offering the help? Surely she would be needing help.
“Ok thank you.”
She leaves and I go back upstairs. I put Laura back in her crib and go back to sleep…
I wake up a couple hours later and Laura is asleep. I go downstairs and see Jorge eating cereal in the kitchen. He’s shirtless with jeans and bare feet.
“Buenos Dias.”
“Hi.:
“Donde esta Laura?”
“Upstairs sleeping.”
I sit and rub my eyes. My head hurts, I have been having nightmares since we’ve been here. Jorge burps loudly and I sigh in disgust..
“Pig.”
“Pollo”
I stick my tongue at him. Then I hear Laura start to cry, I go upstairs and take her from the crib. I stick my knuckle to her lips, she sucks on it. I lift up my shirt and hold her to my chest. She starts nursing from me and I sit on the bed. She keeps eating for about two minutes. I start singing in Spanish as I hold her.