Hated, Loathed, Despised
The little girl by the road
Her heart turning into ice
Her heart already eroded
Denying her tears
Denying her fears
She just sat there and tear
Why doesn't anyone see her fear
Cold, Scarred and all alone
No one ever cares, she was told
Her heart had turned ice cold
Without even knowing what love is
Hated, Loathed Despised
Dead
The girl who sat all alone crying
Lord, why show no mercy?
- Claire Leong -
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey there, Zyth! Welcome aboard to YWS! You'll have much joy here.
I'll try to do the most detailed review I can with this poem.
I like it. Except on some parts I think you could polish up.
You don't seems to maintain a rhyme scheme. Like:
This is the first stanza. On the second one you change to:
So, you should maintain a certain scheme. Sometimes it works when it's irregular, but not here.
Also, this stanza sounds awkward. You repeat fear/fears and tear/tears. Maybe change that.
[quote]
Cold, Scarred and all alone
[quote]
Scarred shouldn't be capitalized. Oh, almost forgot to mention to change that in the first stanza too.
Oh, and on the third too
Again on the third you change the rhyme scheme again. But I liked the end.
Keep on writing!
*Kat*
P.S: PM me if you need anything.
P.P.S: Hope I wasn't too harsh
The repitition of words is not really working for this poem right from the beginning. Especially how you used "tears" and "fears" four times in one stanza. That is not always the best way to get a strong point across on those kind of words, especially. The part at the end where you just state "Dead" really just throws the entire poem off which generally had a good pattern...the overall idea of this poem is good, emotional, but the way it is put together is not the best. Some (only very little) punctuation would be a good idea as well.
I did enjoy it! I hope you don't get the entirely wrong impression...just needs some re-wording!