Young Writers Society

Hello! I hope you don't mind if I give a review.

First, I want to start off by saying that I really like this. The imagery is great, but the one thing I would do differently is use a new word to describe the color of the sea and sky. You used black more than once, which is a little redundant.

Here: "Yet all I saw was a black nightmare," and "within the wretched field of black smoke." Your use of repetition is great, and definitely gave me some chills by the end, but if I were writing this I think I would either talk about the other qualities of the smoke instead of the color, or use another synonym for black, or maybe describe the mood? Hopefully that makes sense. I'll give an example of what I mean about that last one.

Example:

Original: "Within the wretched field of black smoke."

ex: Within the wretched field of oppressive smoke.

Once again, I really liked this. I'm new to this site (joined today) and I don't know if I can save other people's posts, but if I can I would definitely save this.

Hey there! Anne here for a review.
Wow! The message of this poem was conveyed so well that no one could have expected anything better!!
The title and its repetition throughout the poem emphasises the feeling of depression and gloomy surroundings as if the unlit and inky sea will splatter all its ink on your happiness and extinguish the joyful flame of your inner self. The way the narrator talks to Him, is adorably cute in a sense that whenever we feel sad and alone, our parents are the one we go to. Here the biggest Father of all mankind.

Although one thing was not that clear to me. First, its said that the person is alone on the 'wretched field of black smoke'(a wonderful expression if I might say so). However, afterwards it is mentioned that the person was thrown into that field due to the sins commuted by him. Does he actually not see any other sinner? I didn't get the meaning. Usually, when I feel alone, it feels as if everyone is a sinner and they are enjoying due to my sacrifices, leaving me in the darkness to rot. Snatching my wings of naivety and kindness by the vulgar pull of their sins. So can you kindly explain that?( ignore this if it offends you in any way, its a very SuBjEcTiVe opinion.)

God spoke: "You're not alone," said he,
"Never was, or will be.
And I forgive your sins; you came back to me
From th'unlit sky and inky sea."

The last paragraph used to go as the following reads:

"You're not alone," a voice told me,
"Never was, or will be.
And I forgive your sins; you came back to me
From th'unlit sky and inky sea."

However, after receiving a couple reviews stating the redundancy of the word 'me' I decided to make a change. I wanted to make that change after receiving the first review that pointed it out, but I couldn't think of anything... until now. Now the last paragraph reads as following:

God spoke: "You're not alone," said he,
"Never was, or will be.
And I forgive your sins; you came back to me
From th'unlit sky and inky sea."

Thank you to @NastyMajesty and @mordax for suggesting I change this!

Wow! This is amazing!! I am in no way a poet or have the knowledge of one, so this review will be in the perspective of a reader:

First off, this poem flows beautifully. It sounds lovely in my head and aloud and I could sit there and read it again and again and never tire of the words, their beauty, and their meaning. You flawlessly executed conveying emotion throughout the entire poem so that I even felt invigorated along with the character as he "was free".

My only critique, and this is entirely personal preference, was your repetition of the word "me". I saw someone else also mention this in a review, so I won't try to be redundant, but it was one of the only things I had to comment on. Besides this minor thing, this poem was beautiful and I applaud you!!

Hellooooooo @Zthr34t! NastyMajesty here, but you can call me Maryah. Hope you're having a wonderful day/night wherever you are! Okay, let's jump right in.

Grows

"You're not alone," a voice told me,
"Never was, or will be.
And I forgive your sins; you came back to me
From th'unlit sky and inky sea."

I really enjoyed this poem overall! In particular, I enjoyed your clever use of apostrophe to make the line From th'unlit sky and inky sea." fit better within the stanza-even though it made the poem seem sillier than the subject matter of the poem suggests is required. I would have liked to feel thee emotions felt by the narrator of the poem, alone in the dark in an inky black sea crying out to God in despair, but instead I felt like was reading a merry old sea shanty-a well written merry old sea shanty. Have you given any thought towards expanding this? You could prob'ly turn it into an awesome high seas adventure epic.

Wow! You are a very, very talented poet! This poem was relatable and really good. I like how you repeated the sentence ‘the unlit sky and inky sea.’ I think the title was perfect for the poem! I just wanted to ask:

“ I yearned and wished to see”
You didn’t say WHAT you wished to see, so I was a bit confused there. Please ignore this if you think I’m wrong, because I am not a very talented poet myself. Other than that, I loved this poem! The rhyming is just perfect! The message is clear and the poem is well written. Thank you so much for sharing this amazing poem! I’m really looking forward to more poems from you!
Rida