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An Unlit Sky and Inky Sea

by Zthr34t


I woke up, consumed with despair.
I yearned and wished to see,
Yet all I saw was a black nightmare:
An unlit sky and inky sea.

"Alone. I am alone," I spoke,
For I saw nobody
Within the wretched field of black smoke:
The unlit sky and inky sea.

"Please, O God, please help me," I cried,
The dark closed around me,
"For I've sinned and am pulled by the tide
Of th'unlit sky and inky sea."

When all at once a warm light shed.
T'was a door; I was free!
I didn't falter 'till I had fled
That unlit sky and inky sea.

God spoke: "You're not alone," said he,
"Never was, or will be.
I forgive your sins; you came back to me
From th'unlit sky and inky sea."


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Sat Jan 16, 2021 12:38 am
Goldfinch2 wrote a review...



Hello! I hope you don't mind if I give a review.

First, I want to start off by saying that I really like this. The imagery is great, but the one thing I would do differently is use a new word to describe the color of the sea and sky. You used black more than once, which is a little redundant.

Here: "Yet all I saw was a black nightmare," and "within the wretched field of black smoke." Your use of repetition is great, and definitely gave me some chills by the end, but if I were writing this I think I would either talk about the other qualities of the smoke instead of the color, or use another synonym for black, or maybe describe the mood? Hopefully that makes sense. I'll give an example of what I mean about that last one.

Example:

Original: "Within the wretched field of black smoke."

ex: Within the wretched field of oppressive smoke.

Once again, I really liked this. I'm new to this site (joined today) and I don't know if I can save other people's posts, but if I can I would definitely save this.




Zthr34t says...


Welcome to YWS, and thanks for making this one of your first reviews.
Yeah, I can see where you're getting at. I'll see if I can make some changes to the poem sometime in the future. I'll let you know when! Once again, thank you!



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Mon Jan 04, 2021 1:30 pm
anne27 wrote a review...



Hey there! Anne here for a review.
Wow! The message of this poem was conveyed so well that no one could have expected anything better!! :D
The title and its repetition throughout the poem emphasises the feeling of depression and gloomy surroundings as if the unlit and inky sea will splatter all its ink on your happiness and extinguish the joyful flame of your inner self. The way the narrator talks to Him, is adorably cute in a sense that whenever we feel sad and alone, our parents are the one we go to. Here the biggest Father of all mankind.

Although one thing was not that clear to me. First, its said that the person is alone on the 'wretched field of black smoke'(a wonderful expression if I might say so). However, afterwards it is mentioned that the person was thrown into that field due to the sins commuted by him. Does he actually not see any other sinner? I didn't get the meaning. Usually, when I feel alone, it feels as if everyone is a sinner and they are enjoying due to my sacrifices, leaving me in the darkness to rot. Snatching my wings of naivety and kindness by the vulgar pull of their sins. So can you kindly explain that?( ignore this if it offends you in any way, its a very SuBjEcTiVe opinion.)


God spoke: "You're not alone," said he,
"Never was, or will be.
And I forgive your sins; you came back to me
From th'unlit sky and inky sea."


This was undoubtedly, my favorite part of the poem. And yes it does flow very well when mentioning that the person has sinned. The only problem was the question- anyone else hasn't? Or is the person feeling no one has like the way we all do sometimes.

Just a minor critique, but I think the 'you' in you come back to me was not necessary and it disrupted the amazing flow a little bit. Say it aloud and see for yourself.

Overall, the whole poem was an epic creation and I really am looking forward to reading more from you. I love poems in which there are some mysteries. :) for me at least.

Keep writing (poems) because you're a supercalifragilisticexpialidocious poet.
(That means 'extremely good' Just wrote it to add the dramatic effect :wink:)

:D




Zthr34t says...


I'll be honest, I didn't think of the other people that could be, or are, down there with the person. And as I think about it, there are other people down there with them. However, I like to imagine that the place he is is so dark that he cannot see the other people.

Yeah, I've noticed that line disrupts the flow of the poem. To fix this problem, I feel like getting rid of any single-syllable word in that line could possibly fix it. So maybe I get rid of the 'And' at the beginning of the line?



Zthr34t says...


Also, thank you so much for the review! You're soooooo close to your second star (I think; I'm new, so I can't remember if you get your second star at 25 reviews). Keep up the good work!



anne27 says...


Ah! Nice and deep!
For the flow, either cut out the And in the beginning or the you after the comma.



anne27 says...


and thanks a ton for that motivation...I'm just one review away. :D (pls ignore the empty comment above )



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Sun Jan 03, 2021 5:11 am
Zthr34t says...



The last paragraph used to go as the following reads:

"You're not alone," a voice told me,
"Never was, or will be.
And I forgive your sins; you came back to me
From th'unlit sky and inky sea."

However, after receiving a couple reviews stating the redundancy of the word 'me' I decided to make a change. I wanted to make that change after receiving the first review that pointed it out, but I couldn't think of anything... until now. Now the last paragraph reads as following:

God spoke: "You're not alone," said he,
"Never was, or will be.
And I forgive your sins; you came back to me
From th'unlit sky and inky sea."

Thank you to @NastyMajesty and @mordax for suggesting I change this!




mordax says...


Beautiful! I love this new edit!



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Sun Jan 03, 2021 5:01 am
mordax wrote a review...



Wow! This is amazing!! I am in no way a poet or have the knowledge of one, so this review will be in the perspective of a reader:

First off, this poem flows beautifully. It sounds lovely in my head and aloud and I could sit there and read it again and again and never tire of the words, their beauty, and their meaning. You flawlessly executed conveying emotion throughout the entire poem so that I even felt invigorated along with the character as he "was free".

My only critique, and this is entirely personal preference, was your repetition of the word "me". I saw someone else also mention this in a review, so I won't try to be redundant, but it was one of the only things I had to comment on. Besides this minor thing, this poem was beautiful and I applaud you!!




Zthr34t says...


Thank you so much for making this your first review!



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Sat Jan 02, 2021 11:44 pm
NastyMajesty wrote a review...



Hellooooooo @Zthr34t! NastyMajesty here, but you can call me Maryah. Hope you're having a wonderful day/night wherever you are! :) Okay, let's jump right in.

Grows

"You're not alone," a voice told me,
"Never was, or will be.
And I forgive your sins; you came back to me
From th'unlit sky and inky sea."
I noticed that there was a teensy bit of repetition in this stanza with "me" and that's totally fine! You could try to incorporate some other "ee" words... perhaps flee or plea?
Anyways, there's not really much else I noticed about this poem! Just a quick reminder that you don't have to capitalize the first letter of every line -- but if that's your style, feel free to just ignore this quick comment :P

Glows

Okay. Can I just say... WOAH. This poem is amazing. Your way with words is just so elegant and beautiful. I love the way you depicted sin and mistakes as the unlit sky and inky sea. I also like how you have a mood change! A lot of poems have a single mood throughout the entire poem, and there's nothing wrong with that but it's always refreshing to read a poem that goes from deep down in the pits to high up in the clouds that just leaves the reader feeling good once they're done reading it. Overall, fantastic job on the poem, I really enjoyed reading it! Keep it up and keep writing!
<3 (:
~Your Friendly Neighborhood Majesty of Nastiness~




Zthr34t says...


I know I don't have to capitalize the first word of each line, but I feel like it's more... I don't know? Formal? Something like that. (Sorry if this sounds rude.)
Thank you so much for the review! I've gone ahead and went with your suggestion to replace one of the 'me's with another word. At first it was really difficult! I had to think about it for a moment because I had to find a new word that rhymed with 'sea' but also didn't change anything about the stanza.



NastyMajesty says...


Ah yes the change works super well!



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Sat Jan 02, 2021 5:46 pm
yumi wrote a review...



I really enjoyed this poem overall! In particular, I enjoyed your clever use of apostrophe to make the line From th'unlit sky and inky sea." fit better within the stanza-even though it made the poem seem sillier than the subject matter of the poem suggests is required. I would have liked to feel thee emotions felt by the narrator of the poem, alone in the dark in an inky black sea crying out to God in despair, but instead I felt like was reading a merry old sea shanty-a well written merry old sea shanty. Have you given any thought towards expanding this? You could prob'ly turn it into an awesome high seas adventure epic.




Zthr34t says...


Thank you for the review!
I might expand this poem a little bit to add some more pacing or something like that, but I'm not too sure yet.
Also, with the whole apostrophe trick, it was mainly used because I wanted the rhythm of each stanza to be the same. For example, if you were to count the syllables of each line in each stanza, you would notice that the first--You know what? You just helped me find a mistake in my poem! I'm going to fix that real quick.



Zthr34t says...


Okay, as I was saying earlier, the first line in each stanza has 8 syllables, the second lines have 6, the third SHOULD have 9 (I noticed another mistake), and the last lines have 8. I feel like following this pattern was crucial to keeping the poem's flow.



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Sat Jan 02, 2021 7:18 am
rida wrote a review...



Wow! You are a very, very talented poet! This poem was relatable and really good. I like how you repeated the sentence ‘the unlit sky and inky sea.’ I think the title was perfect for the poem! I just wanted to ask:

“ I yearned and wished to see”
You didn’t say WHAT you wished to see, so I was a bit confused there. Please ignore this if you think I’m wrong, because I am not a very talented poet myself. Other than that, I loved this poem! The rhyming is just perfect! The message is clear and the poem is well written. Thank you so much for sharing this amazing poem! I’m really looking forward to more poems from you!
Rida
:) :) :)




Zthr34t says...


When I wrote the part "I yearned and wished to see" I wasn't referring to the character wanting to see something in particular. I was thinking more along the lines of seeing at all, kind of like when you're in a cave and all the lights have been turned off. You can't see anything; it's literally pitch black.



Zthr34t says...


Also, thank you very much! I actually don't write poetry that often. Maybe I should do it more often...



rida says...


Yeah! Definitely!




If you can't get out of your comfort zone, you'll never find what you're looking for. Don't make things quick and easy to feel better short term. Make a change and then you'll feel better longer term.
— Frinderman