OK this is a story I started writing in 2005 but ended up not doing much with I will probably do more with it. There's more of it than this but I figure the first chapter is good for now. Critique welcomed.
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Princess Sidra is what I prefer people call me. Elves love to say I’m a very beautiful elf I’m tall and slender with very fair skin, and very long black hair this made me look even paler than I am. People would say my shimmering purple eyes would dazzle them. I would say it’s all a lot of hoopla and kissing up to me.
“Princess!” A messenger of my parents called out as he approached me. “I’ve been looking for you everywhere; I have a message for you from the King and Queen.” He said stating the obvious; I just smiled and nodded like it was news to me. He took out a piece of paper and began reading it.
“Dearest Daughter,
Important and unexpected events suddenly occurred causing us to have to leave on short notice. You are appointed authority in our absence, please do as is needed and take care of yourself and our affairs.
Love,
Father and Mother”
The messenger just looked at me waiting for a response. I just continued sitting on the stone bench and played with the flowers I had just picked from the garden. After a moment I smiled “Thank you, you’re dismissed now.”
He looked worried but bowed and left me alone in the garden or so they thought. I went inside the garden maze to keep any prying eyes away. I couldn’t take any chances of them seeing my friend. I went to the center of the maze I knew it well since I always loved playing here when I was a wee child. I was a young adult now, but I still loved to come here. I had gotten lost so many times as a child that I knew my way by heart!
“Xenos come out I know you’re here.”
Xenos my dear friend and guard became visible before me. He is what is called a Mindmage; you have to be born one you can’t just become one. They are great illusionists and most are quite adept at fighting too. Most Mindmages lives are lived in solitude, some even have to wear special gear to help them cancel out effects that any normal person would not hear or feel and have a problem with. I looked at him as he kneeled before me and remembered why I had called him here other than just liking his company.
“Sidra I assume your going to tell me about the actions you plan on taking after getting that letter?” Xenos said as he looked up at me. He is one of the few people who I would actually let call me Sidra. I smiled and nodded.
Xenos was one of the Mindmages who had to wear special gear. I don’t particularly know how it works or what it helps with, but I know for the most part the piece he could hardly do without is his mask. It went from his nose down to his chin and was made of black leather just like everything else he was wearing. I had seen him without his mask before. He was rather good looking his teal eyes and long blue hair just made him look even better.
“Yes, well you know that I’ve been waiting a long time for an opportunity like this. I’m going to do what should have been done a long time ago. I’m going to call war on our enemies. Not fighting back when they attack has gotten us nowhere.”
“Do you think the country will actually follow you and not retaliate? You know people are not fond of going to war. You must have a plan don’t you?”
I stared at him, I did have a plan but at the moment something else was bothering me. “Xenos could you sit next to me and stop kneeling down in front of me? It’s bothering me. You know I don’t like to treat you as anything less then an equal.”
He stood up and sat on the bench next to me.
“Yes I do have a plan there will be casualties, but it will be redeemed by the war. I will need your help to pull this off though, A LOT of your help Xenos. I will need you to control one of the dragons, or one of their kin will do nicely too whichever is easier for you. Well I need you to control one, make it rampage into a city with little defense and have it attack. No, a massacre one that will make them regret not taking action sooner
“A planned attack on your own people to push them into a war that is already happening that they’re turning a blind eye to. It’s horrid enough to work! I will help you Sidra.”
I smiled and put one of my flowers down between us. Xenos looked at it and then picked it up.
I smiled, “I only wish I don’t have to be seen around there the day you do this. Of coarse it can’t be too soon or it ill look obvious.”
Xenos put the flower back down where I had placed it. “No problem, just tell me when. You know I’m always around you.”
“Yes I know you are, you stalker. I bet you eye me disrobe to,” I smirked and said jokingly.
He laughed, probably the first time I’d heard him laugh in months.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,772 Reviews
this sentence is a wee bit wierd
Elves love to say I’m a very beautiful elf I’m tall and slender with very fair skin, and very long black hair
add an and when you write beautiful elf and im tall
or place a period elf. Im
overall you described the main character well in the way beggining
hope this helps with editing
Sorry, I'm late! But, I'm here and ready to critique! (=
Flow - The way this is written makes it seem a little rough. Let's take the first paragraph as an example:
^_^ I didn't read the other reviews, so forgive me if I repeat some stuff.
The nitpicks have been covered...So, I'm gonna start out with all that concept-ish stuff...
Now, the opening sentence is phrased awkwardly. Why not just say that "I prefer people to call me Princess Sidra."?
Now the elves in the second sentence is repetitive.
Then, I'd add a little more emphasis on the last sentence. Maybe separate it into two? First say that it's a lot of hoopla; then, add that they're just trying to kiss up to her?
Now, by doing that the entire paragraph would flow a lot better.
Another way to make the flow better is to add transition words. Throughout the story, transitions can be added.
When going from paragraph to paragraph, use words like "then" and "after that".
When the Mindmage appears, use words like "suddenly" etc.
Y'know what I mean?
What does the gear look like? Is it heavy? Does it weigh him down? We know his helmet is black leather, but what about the rest? Is it light? Sleek? Does it shimmer? What's it made of? Gold, silver, bronze? Platinum? xD Create a picture in our mind of Xenos and his armor.
In general, I'd like to know more about the setting. What does her palace look like? What does the garden maze look like? Is the place huge? Tiny?
xD I never add enough description; so here are some general tips that help me.
~Picture the place in your mind; if you want, sketch it out. This will help show what exactly you want the reader to see.
~Once you have the picture, decide what major objects that are there. Point them out and describe them.
When describing something, show the basic characteristics that you'd notice about it.
~Color
~Texture
~Size
~Placement
^_^ That will help create a picture in teh mind of the reader
Sidra - She's a princess. Make her seem like one. Right now, she's a pretty flat character; that is, I'd like to know a lot more about her. Is she snobby? Is she accustomed to power? By the way she accepts the note, she seems to be...But, show us what she's like. Tell us why she's so close to Xenos. She seems to act extremely distantly to everyone else; why is he special? Show us what she's thinking. Is she quiet when the guards approach because she's shy? Or snobby? Make her seem real and not like a character.
Xenos - Since he isn't the MC and this is just the first chapter, I'm not going to say anything. But, I'd like to have a little more insight on his life in general. What's being a Mindmage really like? ^_^ However, for a first chapter, your characterization of him is fine.
I hope to see some updates on this soon!
Peace, love, and chocolate,
Flute Loops<3
Everybody took what I was going to say, and so you don't need to here it again, I talk about other stuff I noticed, but I'm lucky they missed some things. Sorry if this review is not helpful as well.
Your just missing a quotation mark and a period here.
Here I feel that your missing something here since it seems rushed. If you could add something like. He thought for a moment. Or something similar.
I think you mean "course". I'm sure your missing a "w".
Well, that's my critic, sorry if it's harsh. I'm just picky.
Hi! I am used to writing poetry, and so don't very often critique this sort of thing - sorry if it's not helpful!
First the grammatical stuff: (in bold)
Princess Sidra is what I prefer people to call me.
Elves love to say I’m a very beautiful elf :I’m tall and slender, with very fair skin, and very long ,black hair. This makes me look even paler than I am.
People would say my shimmering purple eyes dazzle them.
I'm not going to do this all the way through, but just remember punctuation and tenses!
I think that you have a wonderful imagination, and you have some very complex characters introduced. However, you could just slow it down a little, as I think somebody has already mentioned above. Also, try not to use too much dialogue as it becomes difficult to write from a grammatical sense, and also broing to read. For example, whilst the messenger at the beggining is reading, you could just have the princess being bored and not really listening etc. (Obviously explaining what the message says, but not through direct speech if you get my drift)
You finish off very well. My favourite line of the whole piece is the last one.
I think that you could improve by thinking more about your characters, and adding more thought and emotion to them.
Hope I was of some use to you!
Jemima
Hi Zoya,
Here are some things you should work on.
Elves love to say I’m a very beautiful elf I’m tall and slender with very fair skin, and very long black hair this made me look even paler than I am.
You change tenses here, and I think you should make this into two sentences.
Elves love to say I'm a very beautiful elf. I'm tall, slender, fair skinned, and have long black hair that makes me look even paler than I am.
Most Mindmages lives are lived in solitude, some even have to wear special gear to help them cancel out effects that any normal person would not hear or feel and have a problem with.
I think you should break this sentence up too, it's really lengthy and full of information. You mention the 'special gear' later in the story so you could somehow combine the two.
Xenos said as he looked up at me. He is one of the few people who I would actually let call me Sidra.
You change tenses again.
I would put 'was' instead of is.
“Yes I do have a plan there will be casualties, but it will be redeemed by the war. I will need your help to pull this off though, A LOT of your help Xenos. I will need you to control one of the dragons, or one of their kin will do nicely too whichever is easier for you. Well I need you to control one, make it rampage into a city with little defense and have it attack. No, a massacre one that will make them regret not taking action sooner
You forgot to put a period at the end and you didn't close the dialogue.
. . .not taking action sooner."
Also that paragraph seems choppy, you should reword it and change where some of the periods and commas are.
A planned attack on your own people to push them into a war that is already happening that they’re turning a blind eye to.
You might want to change this into two sentences.
I smiled and put one of my flowers down between us. Xenos looked at it and then picked it up.
I smiled, “I only wish I don’t have to be seen around there the day you do this. Of coarse it can’t be too soon or it ill look obvious.”
You put 'I smiled' too many times here I would change it to something else.
course
it'll
Also your character doesn't seem to have very much emotion, and she's seems hard hearted and evil. is this the way you wanted her to come across?
If you slow down and go over your story a little I think it could have real potential.
Sorry if I was too harsh, I'm just trying to help.
~Zanna
Hi Zoya,
You already have a contrast of speaking styles. Interspersed with shimmering blue eyes and tall, slender elves with fair skin is "hoopla" and "kissing up". I sincerely hope that you are going somewhere with this stark difference in writing, because right now you sound like the typical adolescent Valley Girl who can't assume a different tone or way of speaking for the life of her. And it shows, like an open sore.
Why do you go off on the tangent of the obvious aspect of his statement? It doesn't inspire much humor, in this reader anyway, and there seems to be no purpose for it. Again, this is a subjective comment, but that was just unfunny. Try again.
After one read through, I am shocked to see that the princess doesn't seem surprised at all. The regents of a country just disappear into thin air, leave their teenage daughter in charge, and everything is just supposed to fly through her mind dandily? This is completely unrealistic and laughable. Even the servant feels more concerned than she does.
Now, there are several possibilites of explanation; perhaps she had them killed or was expecting their departure long before the letter. No matter what the situation is, the reader should be given some sort of hint, or will automatically assume that your failure to even nudge at an explanation is just a symptom of shoddy writing and hasty storylines.
Describe it. Locations mean nothing if you can't offer any information on how they look.
Exclamation points, when not in quotations, make your story sound juvenile.
This is nothing less than an info dump, meaning a paragraph or many sentences where you simply recite particular information. Its not interesting and it doesn't progress the story; in short, it is one of the worst mistakes a writer can make. Change this entire paragraph by inserting subtle hints about Xenos' character and abilities throughout the dialogue or during musings or reflections.
That's very bold of him, and unrealistic as well. Why again doesn't he ask her...where her parents are?
Blah blah, describing eys and hair and nothing else. You did go into the mask with detail but you need to cast some light on how Xenos looks, and I mean besides hair/eyes.
If they attack you and you don't fight back, wouldn't the kingdom already have been destroyed by now? I don't understand at all what she means, and I suspect this is just poor storytelling on your part. Change it.
No. This dialogue is overwhelmingly cheesy and childish. Basically, it goes like this:
Friend: So how do we begin this war?
Princess: Murder ten thousand of our own people.
Friend: Cool! I'll get to it tomorrow.
If this story was a complete and bare joke, the dialogue might have worked. As it stands, though, it is too rushed and without any type of doubt or distrust on the Friend's part. Your characters are one-dimensional and to make them grow, you must inject different viewpoints and emotions into each one.
I'm not sure what the point of this entire last section is. It makes these two go from cold-blooded tyrants to high school dates giggling and making perverted jokes. It's juvenile and doesn't do anything for the story or our understanding of the characters. Fix it somehow, but more than not the best advice would be to ditch it.
Actually, consider putting this story back in the corner of your mind and letting it ferment there. Right now, its so raw as to be nearly untouchable; save a divine miracle, nothing will salvage any of the good parts, the gems, that may have been present here. Use the knowledge you've gained since you wrote it and start anew.
Hope that helped,
Galerius