There was a guy named Max. He was such a heart rob in is school. Most of the girls who dint have a boyfriend chased after Max. Max on the other hand he loved the attention. He would end up breaking someone´s heart. He usually would flirt with the girl, go out with the girl. Hold her hand and hug her. Then on the second date he would take her out for dinner and take her for a walk and under the moon light he would kiss her. Then he would walk her home and kiss her good night. He would probably go on a few more dates with her and break up with her before he gets to attached with his feelings. That was Max he did the same routine over and over.
Max always did this beacause he wanted to feel good about himself and doing this made him feel special. The longest relationship he has ever been in was 3 weeks. Whenever the girl became to clingy or dominating he would break up with her. In rare cases he breaks up with her if he gets to attached with his feelings. He doesnt want to feel the pain he felt with his first girlfriend. Thats one of the main reasons he turned out like this. He never wanted to last long with a girl cause he doesnt want to end up heart broken again. He could never tell anyone about Chris, his first girlfriend cause he doesnt want anyone to know what he has been through to become like this. He only wants to be known as Max the heart rob.
One day Max was just about to start his routine on Monica. Then Mrs. Brix anounced that they will be having a new student Sophie. But Max continued flirting with Monica. Then Sophie entered the class. Then Mrs. Brix announced everyone this is Sophie. Sophie pls take a seat wherever you like. Then Sophie whispered " Thank you Mrs Brix." Max turned to look at Sophie and suddenly he became speechless. He thought wow she is hot.Then Max told Peter if they could exchange seats. Peter agreed cause he wanted to sit next to Monica. Then Sophie sat next to Max. Max whispered " You chose a good seat. Hi, I am Max. Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are?" Sophie smiled and replied " Thank you, but pls compliment me some other time I need to pay attention." Max answered back "So your the smart type. Who knew that someone as beautiful as you could be smart." Sophie replied " Max, you know my name not my story now zip it."
Max laughed to himself and said man this is gonna be a hard one.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression:
Anyway let's get right to it,
Alright, we're starting off with a little bit of a character description by the sounds of things here...and its not half bad. I think you perhaps leaned into a few too many details about the exact procedure that Max tends to follow, I think with only about half of these details you can still tell the same story and without it sounding like too much is being said at once, so you may want to look into that, but for the most part, this is really neat little start here.
Well, that's an interesting backstory. I don't believe I've seen such a thing used before to showcase why a character in a story acts like Max here seems to act. I think that can definitely make for a very interesting emotional pathway in this story if the main character is going to be working through a situation like this one. This is certainly sounding more and more interesting as we continue here.
Okayy...a really interesting point to end on there, I believe we might have just run into the character that's going to eventually end up changing it all for Max here...and you can certainly see some evidence of that from the dialogue that we've got going on at the moment. The one issue that I see with this is the fact that the dialogues come off a little too stiff. I definitely get the angle you're going for here, but you've gotta rethink some of these dialogue to create a more flirty and light sounding dialogue as opposed to this very scripted sounding dialogue you have here. Overall, definitely an interesting piece, but it needs a bit of ironing out here and there.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thank you for all your suggestions.
hi! here to review your awesometastic novel chapter! So lets get started!
Really and truthfully, this sounds like every other romance out on the market today. There is no charecter building, No plot, nothing. The chapter looks very holey. and truthfully, you can tell that a new person wrote it.
You need to work on dialogue tags, so we'll start with that.
1. "Hello," he said
2. "Hello" he said
3. "Hello." He said
4. "Hello." he said
5. "Hello." He waved
#FF0000 ">1 is correct because there is a comma AFTER the dialogue
2 is wrong becuase there is no punucation
3 is wrong cause the He is captilized. after talking, you don't captizile it unless its an action
4 is correct because the he is lower cased
5 is correct because after the dialogue its an action.
Have you ever heard of the weight of the story?
Well, the weight is important.
Yours is pretty heavy.
1. you tell instead of show
2. your coners aren't clean cut
3. you haven't mastered the flawless smoothness yet.
think about that. Do feel as though your chapter is clean cut and mature?
just think.
~drama
Hey Zoreo!
I'm pretty sure it's heart throb, not heart rob.So, welcome to YWS! I hope you're enjoying it here. Feel free to ask any of us for any sort of help.
Now onto your story.
Wow, your MC is quite a guy, huh? To me, he seems like a typical jerk who goes around recycling girls. Well, let's see how well you can develop him. And your story borders on the boring high-school drama side, so you need to step up your game.
I also noticed a few minor punctuation slips, I'm not going to point them out. Just look out for them while editing
Description: Though your story is short you can make it longer and better by including description. Right now, you're telling us what happened. You need to work on showing us what happened and use some description. Show us a typical scene in class, uses his five senses, use his thoughts and ideas and everything. Show us what the class reaction is. Because right now, it seems two dimensional. It needs to be made believable.
Characters : Right now, with such a short piece, you don't see much of your MC, besides him being a typical jerk. Show us more. Otherwise they'll end up like cut outs doing something.
So, basically, go for a major edit and you should be fine.
~Lava
I'm saving my spot to review later!