Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression:
Anyway let's get right to it,
There was a guy named Max. He was such a heart rob in is school. Most of the girls who dint have a boyfriend chased after Max. Max on the other hand he loved the attention. He would end up breaking someone´s heart. He usually would flirt with the girl, go out with the girl. Hold her hand and hug her. Then on the second date he would take her out for dinner and take her for a walk and under the moon light he would kiss her. Then he would walk her home and kiss her good night. He would probably go on a few more dates with her and break up with her before he gets to attached with his feelings. That was Max he did the same routine over and over.
Alright, we're starting off with a little bit of a character description by the sounds of things here...and its not half bad. I think you perhaps leaned into a few too many details about the exact procedure that Max tends to follow, I think with only about half of these details you can still tell the same story and without it sounding like too much is being said at once, so you may want to look into that, but for the most part, this is really neat little start here.
Max always did this beacause he wanted to feel good about himself and doing this made him feel special. The longest relationship he has ever been in was 3 weeks. Whenever the girl became to clingy or dominating he would break up with her. In rare cases he breaks up with her if he gets to attached with his feelings. He doesnt want to feel the pain he felt with his first girlfriend. Thats one of the main reasons he turned out like this. He never wanted to last long with a girl cause he doesnt want to end up heart broken again. He could never tell anyone about Chris, his first girlfriend cause he doesnt want anyone to know what he has been through to become like this. He only wants to be known as Max the heart rob.
Well, that's an interesting backstory. I don't believe I've seen such a thing used before to showcase why a character in a story acts like Max here seems to act. I think that can definitely make for a very interesting emotional pathway in this story if the main character is going to be working through a situation like this one. This is certainly sounding more and more interesting as we continue here.
One day Max was just about to start his routine on Monica. Then Mrs. Brix anounced that they will be having a new student Sophie. But Max continued flirting with Monica. Then Sophie entered the class. Then Mrs. Brix announced everyone this is Sophie. Sophie pls take a seat wherever you like. Then Sophie whispered " Thank you Mrs Brix." Max turned to look at Sophie and suddenly he became speechless. He thought wow she is hot.Then Max told Peter if they could exchange seats. Peter agreed cause he wanted to sit next to Monica. Then Sophie sat next to Max. Max whispered " You chose a good seat. Hi, I am Max. Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are?" Sophie smiled and replied " Thank you, but pls compliment me some other time I need to pay attention." Max answered back "So your the smart type. Who knew that someone as beautiful as you could be smart." Sophie replied " Max, you know my name not my story now zip it."
Max laughed to himself and said man this is gonna be a hard one.
Okayy...a really interesting point to end on there, I believe we might have just run into the character that's going to eventually end up changing it all for Max here...and you can certainly see some evidence of that from the dialogue that we've got going on at the moment. The one issue that I see with this is the fact that the dialogues come off a little too stiff. I definitely get the angle you're going for here, but you've gotta rethink some of these dialogue to create a more flirty and light sounding dialogue as opposed to this very scripted sounding dialogue you have here. Overall, definitely an interesting piece, but it needs a bit of ironing out here and there.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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