Published December 27, 2007
A beginning, or perhaps an ending, that's as far as I've been able to get. I wrote this a year ago and have been waiting for inspiration and time to maybe add more...
DO NOT PUSH THE READ BUTTON
She sat on her doorstep, still as a porcelain doll. A dog barked at her as it led its owner down the cobblestone street. Several people passed her by without so much as a glimpse. A single tear rolled down her cheek. Her head drooped, and a pad of paper slipped from her lifeless fingers. The sheets fluttered in the soft wind. The single page with writing on it read:
Dear Reader;
If you are reading this then you know I am dead. I don’t blame anybody but myself. Not that you care, but do remember this if nothing else: DO NOT PUSH THE RED BUTTON.
Points:
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IP address:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
This was definitely an intriguing start to the story. We have all the ingredients for a mystery here and I really am curious to know more about the red button. However, despite the intriguing plot, this is too short to count as a story. Unless, you meant it to be a prologue, in which case this nailed the mark.
You have a good writing style. Unfortunately, you need more than that to transform this into the story. Firstly, you need to give us more background. We know nothing about the character and her warning does not really have the same effect until we really know what it is about. The MC was crying though, so I am going to assume that it was a tragic end. However, apart from that, we really know nothing else about this story. It seems more like an advertisement for the story rather than the story itself. You need to put in more content to give the readers a better idea of what this is about.
The letter itself was ominous enough. I wonder what the red button represents. I also wonder if this person knew that they are not supposed to push the red button, the why did she push it? After all, that is what led to her death, isn't it? Or is it not? Did she kill herself? She was alone in the moment of her death and had the time to write a note, so it is completely possible that she committed suicide. But then why would she do it in the open outside?
See, what I am trying to say here. There are too many unanswered questions here. We are invested in the story but it is really disappointing when we are left without any answers. It makes us wonder what was the point in setting such a good mystery, if we were never going to solve it anyways?
That's all!
Keep writing and have a great day!
Personally, I wouldn't use caps. They're distracting. You could also add a comma in here:
If you are reading this, then you know I am dead.
You could probably change that and remove the 'if you are reading this' part. Also, I'd prefer if you used a hyphen/dash instead of a colon at the end.
Also, it could be:
The single sheet with writing upon it ...
Also, in the first 'Do not push' you have 'read' button, not 'red button'. Spelling error!
Also, I would change the "The single page with writing on it read' to a different word instead of read, as you say 'Dear Reader' next, so that's implying they read it. Does that make sense? lol!
Yeah. This review is almost as big as the story. hehehe! ^.^
It's a good beginning! I'd love to read more of it, but normally you post more than a paragraph for your story. You can edit your story by looking in the upper right hand corner and pressing the edit button. PM me if you have any questions.
Like I said, good beginning. The note seemed kind of forced, and the grammar could be worked on (I suggest E.B. White and William Strunk's Elements of Style), and you can look in the writing tips forum (under community forums) for more tips on specific parts of writing. Best of luck!