Who would I be
If I wasn’t alone
Who would I be
If this house was a home
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If these walls could talk
Would I hear them scream
When my eyes are closed
And I’m chasing your ghost
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Who would you be
If you crawled from the past
Who would you be
If you woke up at last
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Will you fade
Will that bed be your grave
Is it wrong to feel
You’re too lost to save
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Who would I choose
Who would I be
If the price of you
Was the cost of me
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If this house was on fire
Would it burn slow
Would I turn my back
Or watch it go
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Think I might need an extra stanza between the last and penultimate - thoughts? Feel the transition between those two is a bit jumpy.
Sorry if the formatting is terrible. I can literally count on one hand how many poems I've ever written. Just had some thoughts I needed to get out and this seemed like a good platform to do it.
-Zoom
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Hello, I'm reviewing because this is a really nice poem! I really liked the rhymes and the way you worded the lines, it flowed mostly smoothly. And I really like when you repeated lines, because it made it more effective for the reader. I personally love how you wrote this and I hope you write many more because I would love to read them. I can't really think of any critiques right now, ahahahaha, sorry! But just know, it's a really good poem.
Thanks for your review! Appreciated
Hey
I'm honestly not the best at writing poetry either but here to help!
Is this about an orphan that finds her/his biological parents and is in the house she could of grown up in?
I mean that might be completely wrong but those were my thoughts when I read it a couple of times.
When it comes to the poem in itself it's organised and well put together it just misses some emotion. I don't know if this is way too harsh and honestly I might be so wrong but I'm missing this sense of passion and pain...it's nearly numb if that makes sense? There's a feeling of loss and unknown? Is that right?
I don't think you need to add another stanza as I think the jump strengthens the poem! I really liked it!
Hope this helps!
Lau
Hi Lau
Thanks for your feedback! One of the reasons I dont write poetry is because I prefer not to write so directly about emotions etc, so here Ive tried instead to imply emotion instead of making it the core subject. I like leaving things to interpretation. Yours was certainly interesting to read!
The general concept here is someone who is stuck in a living situation with someone who has completely lost their way, and the %u201Cprotagonist%u201D has reached the point where they are done trying to help them. I find houses a fun subject matter especially when they are anthropomorphised or given some kind of unique perspective or attribute. If you think about it, houses %u201Csee%u201D everything that happens within, the good and the bad, so would have a more refined perspective than any of its inhabitants. I struggled a lot trying to portray something along those lines haha