Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Jeremy
Perched upon the diamond-shaped leaf of a colos tree, I waited for a sign of quarry.
I hadn't moved an inch since setting the trap that morning—even clutching my tail to prevent it from swishing against the leaf. The trap was simple; a spiked branch pulled to the point of strain by a golex vine. A tiny bird carcuss served as bait, though based on the repugnant odour it emitted after a day under the sweltering sun, I doubted its effectiveness. My stomach hadn’t received real food in days and even I didn't want to go near it.
The blood-red sun had begun its lazy descent behind the horizon, marbling the sky with soft swirls of pink and orange. This was usually my cue to retrieve the bird and climb the colos tree to the top, where it was safer to sleep. My distant feline heritage might have afforded me night vision, but I was still woefully human where it mattered. There wasn't much that cat ears and a rebellious tail could do in a fight.
Seconds from dismounting the leaf, I spotted a shrub twitching on the jungle floor. Once. Twice. My heart drummed against my chest as I raised a blade to the vine.
A white mouse scurried from the bush and beelined for the bird-bait. I swear, I almost laughed. Though it would have been one of those maniacal laughs that ended in real tears.
In all of Marokaw Jungle, I had attracted the only creature smaller than the damn bird. I should have deterred it with a hiss, but there was something oddly charming about the way it frantically pounced on the bird in its haste to devour it.
Just as I lowered the blade, my wildest dream exploded into wonderous reality.
A gem-hound stalked out from around the bush, leathery nose low to the ground.
My eyes and mouth flew open to maximum openness. I wasn’t even convinced they were real until seeing one for myself, and even then, I was questioning if maybe I had finally keeled over from starvation. The creature before me was legendary. Not a single day went by in the village without some lunatic yelling theatrical stories about the elusive gem-hound, or a kid pranking his friends by pretending to have seen one. The details changed depending on who was telling the story, but something remained consistent throughout all of them: the reason it would only appear during twilight. The sun blinded its milky eyes during the day, and its shocking blue fur glowed brilliantly in the moonlight, leaving a narrow window for it to leave its sanctuary without putting itself in danger. Some tribes believed that by consuming its flesh, you would absorb its spirit and extraordinary aptitude for survival.
Not only was I lucky to even witness one, the mouse was luring the gem-hound directly towards my rig! My mind calculated the glorious possibilities; the look on people's faces when I triumphantly returned to the village with a gem-hound slung over my shoulder, the ability to trade its meat for anything I wanted . . .
The gem-hound lowered itself even further to the ground, pale eyes transfixed on the mouse like beacons of predatory intent.
“Is he seriously talking about sushi?”
“Huh!” I gasped aloud before I could stop myself. The gem-hound raised its head and bolted into the trees. With a startled squeak, the mouse shot in the opposite direction.
I almost fell off my leaf-perch. I heard the voice inside my head as clear as my own thoughts, yet it was female and completely detached from my own consciousness. I scanned the jungle floor, knowing full well that the voice had been spoken inside my mind. Except, last I checked, my mind only contained me—and that was more than enough to be getting on with.
Get a grip, Jer. You’re tired and hungry. Your mind is playing tricks on you.
It was the only explanation. Although, I had never heard of a word such as ‘sushi’ and couldn’t imagine how my brain had invented it.
I scaled the colos tree to the very top and threw myself onto a comfortable looking leaf, lamenting the lost opportunity to completely change my life forever.
In the distance, the gem-hound howled into the night. Perhaps in anguish of its own squandered kill. Perhaps to taunt me.
A smile took me by surprise. I knew without question or reason that somehow, somewhere, my path would cross with the gem-hound again.
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Canary word: Present
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Okay, since I've reviewed three other chapters so far and this one's still in the Green Room...
So I think this would actually be a good place to introduce some stakes like I talked about in the other chapters? Because, okay. You've got Jeremy hunting, and I know you mention that he hasn't eaten in three days here. But it doesn't feel like a big deal. For one thing, he's not really focused on how hungry he is, except for that line.
For another, he never mentions Belle! He might be able to overlook how hungry he is, but his sister's hunger could be a much more powerful motivator.
I'm also a little confused, because in chapter 4 and he's like "I didn't kill the gem-hound" but thinks internally how that's not technically a lie, which makes it sound like the gem-hound did die or something, he just technically didn't kill it. Only...nope. The gem-hound gets away no problem. Is it just because he's thinking he'll cross paths with it again and kill it then?
On that note, so much importance is given to the gem-hound in this chapter that I'm curious to see if it ends up being a major plot point later on.
Hey Zoom! I thought this looked interesting, so I figured I'd drop by and review it this lovely Review Day!
I did go back and read the first chapter, so I was pretty confused when this chapter opened in a totally different place with a totally different... person? I don't know if you'd consider him a different species or not. (Also, I sort of feel like Jeremy's name is really mainstream English in a way that doesn't make sense if he's from somewhere completely different and is probably not really that human, but of course it's up to you whether or not to worry about stuff like that, and maybe he is actually originally from a place on Earth that would have named him Jeremy.)
But! I was then very happy when the two chapters connected at the end here, because it was interesting and funny and made everything fit together again. So no problems here. xD
I think my biggest critique here right now is the way you introduce the gem-hound - rather than describing what it looks like, you mostly just tell us how cool and amazing it is that there's one here, but as the reader, since we're only being told this *now*, it's harder for us to appreciate it. If you could mention the existence of gem-hounds *before* it comes into the clearing, along with a subtle reference to how rare they are (maybe something like "prey had been as rare as a gem-heart for the last few days, hence why my stomach was growling so loudly"), that would help to foreshadow this twist.
Also, although you have the line about him lamenting the loss of the gem-hound, it doesn't feel that serious, and I think it should be more serious. He had the biggest stroke of luck ever, and then lost it in one fell swoop, and I feel like that should be more crushing, even though he has the feeling he'll be seeing the gem-hound again.
I loved the whole bit with the mouse. That was just funny. xD
And I think that's all I've got for you! I enjoyed reading this, and I might go ahead and check out the other chapters. Keep writing!