Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
Scarlett
The moment our eyes met, I knew I was in danger.
Some sophomore guys had pulled away from their lockers, revealing a line of sight across the corridor. Shane’s piercing blue eyes were already locked onto mine as he entered the school and stalked towards me.
I expected him to be mad, yet somehow it wasn’t anger in his eyes that sent a shiver down my spine. It was the complete and utter absence of it. That’s how I knew I was really in trouble. His eyes were emotionless, unblinking. A false smile was fixed on his face, ear-to-ear, hauntingly disconnected from the empty stare that rooted me to the spot.
Students parted to let him through, their morning exchanges coming to an abrupt halt. And then the whispers began.
“Look at Shane’s arm!”
“What happened to him?”
“Can he still play tonight?”
I had two seconds to register the cast on Shane’s right arm before he came to a stop in front of me.
“I’m so sorry,” I blurted out. My mind flashed back to Friday. To the argument. To the door I slammed in a fit of rage. To the crunch that came after. And the yelp—that was the worst part. You don’t forget a noise like that.
“Oh, this?” he said cheerily, holding up his cast. “Don’t worry about it. A shattered bone won’t interfere with my football scholarship.”
There wasn’t a trace of sarcasm in his voice, and that terrified me. He either genuinely believed what he was saying or had skipped ten steps past anger to a place of absolute lunacy, where feeble emotions like rage and betrayal paled in comparison to whatever he now felt towards me. A churning in my stomach warned me it was the latter.
“Can we talk alone?” I pleaded, eyes flickering to the students shamelessly hanging on to our every word.
I regretted this request immediately—who cares if people overheard? I couldn’t be alone with him!
Too late. He gently took my elbow with his good hand and guided me away—so gently, he could have been helping an elderly woman across a busy road.
He nudged the nearest classroom door open with his foot and led me inside.
I breathed a sigh of relief. Cam, the football team’s QB, sat alone at the back of the room. If there was ever a day for him to start coming early to class, this was it.
“Hey, Captain!” Cam greeted, bounding to his feet like the overgrown bear he was. “Ready for the big game tonight? Ready to kick some serious—”
Cam’s eyes had finally found Shane’s cast, and he let out a pained squeak, not unlike the one Shane made when I accidentally slammed his arm in a door.
“No,” Cam whimpered. “This isn’t real. This isn’t happening.”
“Hey, buddy, would you mind giving us the room?” Shane asked, voice light and smile so perfectly intact I was almost starting to believe it.
“But your arm?” Cam persisted. “The game—”
“The room, please,” Shane asked again with finality.
I knew Cam was flunking Math, but even he must know that Shane smiling plus a broken arm must equal very bad things. Sure enough, Cam glanced at the cast one more time, let out another welp and shuffled out of the classroom.
Shane returned his gaze to me. “I’m thinking we can grab a bite after school. Randy told me about this awesome new sushi place. How does that sound?”
I felt my mouth open and close several times. Is he seriously talking about sushi?
“Babe, I’m fine,” he said, placing his good hand on my shoulder and giving it a squeeze. “Really. I'd been thinking anyway, it was stupid to base my entire life around football. Maybe this is the wakeup call I’ve always needed.”
He laughed so abruptly that it made me jump.
I felt I should choose my words carefully, until enough silence passed that I settled for the first words that came. “Shane, you remember what happened on Friday . . . right?”
“Friday . . .” he repeated to himself, brows knitting together. “Oh, duh. That’s when you broke up with me and crushed my arm in a door. And then you let me take myself to the hospital and didn’t check on me all weekend. I guess that brings us to now.”
He recanted the story fondly as if we had spent the day picnicking on the beach.
“Shane, I’m really sorry,” I said again. “I didn’t mean for this to happen. I will never forgive myself. But . . . but you know that . . .”
“Know what?”
I let a moment of silence pass, until I had enough courage to extract the words I needed to say.
“That we’re still over, Shane.”
“The nurses at the hospital kept asking how this happened,” Shane said, raising his cast.
“And what did you tell them?” I asked, not exactly thrilled with the change of conversation.
“That it was an accident, of course. Can you imagine if I told them what really happened?”
I realised what he was implying, heard the threat hidden beneath the false, pleasant tone. He had me dead to rights. There was nothing I could do. Breaking up with him wasn’t an option anymore, and he fucking knew it, too.
“So, sushi later?” He called this over his shoulder as he sauntered out of the classroom and closed the door behind him.
The bell for homeroom rung throughout the school, and the door burst open again as dozens of boisterous students piled into the classroom.
A/N: Decided to revive an old story that I never intended to do much with. Just having fun and seeing what happens. Any comments are welcome.
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Hey there! Great story and I love where you're going with it. I'm kind of just reviewing and reading the other chapters you have as I go along. There were a few grammatical errors up there but otherwise, you did really well. You could practically feel the dread the MC was feeling. Also, a little more description of the MC would be appreciated, but not really needed. You can get away with it for now, but I think Shane needs some more description.
Good read, sweetie! Keep up the good work!
Thanks for the review! Appreciated
Hey Zoom,
Shady here with a review for you! My style tends to be notate as I read through, then attempt to give an overall summary of my thoughts on the story at the very end. Let's get started...
I really like your opening line. It's simple, but strangely powerful. Like it sent a little shiver down my spine at what is to come with the rest of this story.
I'm not loving that you use the word 'revealing' twice in a single sentence. It is distracting and takes away from the sentence overall, in my opinion. I'd look for a synonym for one of them (I think I'd recommend replacing the first instance, but it's your story so do what you want).
Ooh, this is a really good description -- well done! It's very chilling and is helping to suck me right into the raw emotion of the scene.
"was sat" is incorrect. You should have either "sat alone" or "was sitting alone" here instead. Also, "our" football team's QB. Do you mean "our" as in the collective of the school, or "our" as in the narrator is also on the football team?
~ ~ ~
Overall, I really liked this story. I actually liked it more than I'd expected to when I started reading lol. But one of the major flaws I noticed is you tell us next to nothing about the narrator of this story.
I get the feel it's a high school girl. We learn that she broke up with Shane and broke his arm in the process -- then apparently acted like a mega jerk and refused to help him even after all that. And she? is afraid of being with Shane alone -- another indication that it's probably a female narrator. But you never give us a name. You never give us a physical description. And then you referred to "our" football QB which kinda makes me think the narrator might be Shane's gay partner? I really don't know at this point.
As I said, I'm assuming narrator is a girl -- but we don't have nearly enough information about her, for sure, if something as simple as her gender isn't even clear by the end of the story.
I do like the interaction, though. Shane seems like a psychopath and is clearly controlling and manipulative. I really hated him for it, but from a literary perspective he is a really solid character and plot point.
One question that did come to mind, though, is what would happen if people found out the truth about what happened to his arm? Sure she'd look like a mega jerk -- but would there really be any other consequences for her beyond some social embarrassment? I just don't understand why that threat is a motivator for her, I suppose.
You have a really good premise, though, and your pacing throughout was fantastic. You kept the story moving without making it feel rushed. I really enjoyed reading this! Great job!
Keep writing!
~Shady
Thanks a lot for your review. I completely agree that I provided no details about the MC. I can be really minimalist with details to the point where major aspects of my writing are left empty. I%u2019ll try to improve that in the next part. Also great question about the implications of her breaking Shane%u2019s arm. I really need to justify why he is able to use this as leverage against her, thanks for raising that concern to me.
Hi, Bloodlord here for a review!
I really enjoyed reading this, and you conveyed the creepiness of Shane's behavior really well. I can't wait to discover his true intentions in the coming chapters!
I just have a few small suggestions if you want them:
"Shane's dazzling blue eyes were already locked onto mine as he passed the school threshold and stalked towards me."
The 'passed the school threshold' part was a little unclear. What exactly do you mean?
"I knew Cam was flunking Math..."
It wasn't exactly clear how this was relevant.
"Yaknow..."
I think splitting this into "Ya know..." would be more clear. The first time I read it, I almost confused it with "yak now".
Thanks for sharing! Can't wait to read more!
Thanks for your review and suggestions!