Mother - Chapter 8.2

"The damage revealed the cost

And it wasn’t worth it, we’re all going to hell"

—Circa Survive, Kicking Your Crosses Down

Once again, I’m frozen stiff, as if the spirit’s enchantment has reawakened, numbing my body back to the point of paralysis. I know the cause isn’t magic this time, but rather my own thoughts striking through my mind in a debilitating, constant motion. I can only remain prone, allow the dewy grass to soak through to my skin, and struggle to make sense of everything. I’m desperate for an idea to spring into my brain. Some shred of philosophy that will relieve me of the inescapable truth.

Conrad has been enslaved by the spirit, and it’s entirely my fault.

There’s no running from it. I used my brother as a tool, manipulated his kind desire to help the Tanaka family, and in doing so, led him straight into the lair of a monster. I can lie here and frantically brainstorm until sunrise, yet nothing will ever change that.

A sharp stab of horror. I’m wallowing in guilt when I should be rushing over to Conrad. I push myself to my feet and bury the urge to dust myself off, denying myself even one more second of attention, and begin to feel my way through the impenetrable darkness. The ghostly tree is now eerier than ever, impossibly lustrous given the complete scarcity of light. A silvery luminescence emanates from within, seemingly unable to cast into the meadow beyond, as if trapped behind the ashy bark, locked inside the portal to Kitsune’s world.

Mr Tanaka has beaten me there, having already made the journey by lunging at the spirit. He’s scooped Conrad into his arms. I know this because he’s stood directly in front of the tree, their silhouettes crisp against the radiant backdrop.

“Is he okay?” I ask, knowing Mr Tanaka cannot answer.

He storms past me with Conrad cradled to his chest, as if I’m nothing more than a fly buzzing around his head, and begins the journey home. I trail behind, wrestling my mind away from the possibility that . . . that Conrad might be dead—I know he can’t be, Kitsune said he could only make a deal with Conrad because his soul is pure, and so it wouldn’t make sense to have killed him. Yet the way his legs swing helplessly over the crook of Mr Tanaka’s elbow makes me feel violently sick. I force my attention to anything else, and end up wondering how I might explain myself to Father, since Mr Tanaka will surely find a way to tell him what I’ve done, especially once his wife visits the farm tomorrow and reaffirms my culpability.

After we exit the paddock of tree stumps, the sound of awkward shuffling tells me Mr Tanaka is struggling to find his way through the dense blackness. I realise there’s a way I can help. The time for secrecy well and truly over, I peel back my sleeve and allow the blue symbol on my forearm—so bright against the darkness that it’s entirely illegible—to illuminate our path.

I should’ve known the immediate effect this would have. Mr Tanaka whirls on the spot, face panic-stricken, Conrad’s legs swinging from the sudden motion. The blue that spilled from the symbol must’ve recreated the scene of the spirit coming through the gate in the tree.

“I’m sorry!” I say hastily, showing him my arm in an attempt to stow his fear. He merely glances at the symbol, makes a hissing noise through his nose, and then turns his back on me again, waiting for me to take the lead.

We continue on to Shinpi, using my symbol to guide the way. I spend most of the time thinking of something I can say to Mr Tanaka. I’ve started to see myself through his eyes, to sense how little he must think of me.

In the end, I decide there’s nothing to be said, and holding my silence is for the best.

#

The trek down the mountain path is the most time-consuming leg of the journey; Mr Tanaka has to turn sideways and inch his way along, Conrad half suspended over the drop-off. Thankfully, we’re saved a battle through the trees by the tunnel Mr Tanaka cut through the bamboo shoots long before tonight. We follow it all the way to the end, ejecting from the forest near the edge of the rice paddies. The mist has lifted somewhat, revealing enough starlight to get by without my symbol. A short trudge along the river bank brings us to the bridge that separates our minkas.

“I can carry him from here,” I say, offering out my arms. Mr Tanaka carefully transfers Conrad into them. I feel him breathe against my neck, and cannot help feel a rush of relief, though it is short-lived.

Mr Tanaka slides my door ajar and waits for me to hobble inside. I risk a farewell glance over my shoulder, dreading to see the face of a kind man I have distressed beyond sense, but see only the door sliding back into place. Heavy footsteps confirm his swift departure.

Conrad appears to grow heavier by the second. My arms scream in protest, throbbing muscles fervently reminding me that I sowed the rice paddies only yesterday. I’m determined not to give up, however. I need to bring Conrad back to his bed, where he belongs. This seems overwhelmingly important, as if this small task might somehow turn back the clock.

I step up and out of the entrance chamber, immediately greeted by the noxious smell of soot. There are enough embers glowing in the hearth to guide me through the living quarters, into the third and final room beyond, where I find the narrow staircase leading to the upper floor. I turn sideways and allow the wall to take the strain of our weight as I shuffle up, onto the balcony, back into the light of the golden embers shining from the firepit.

Father’s snores grumble from his attic bedroom, confirming his obliviousness to all that’s happened in the last few hours. A wave of dread rises in my stomach.

I carry Conrad along the balcony to our room on the far side. As I lay him down on his futon mattress, ensuring his head finds the pillow first, he stirs with a slight whimper, but does not wake. I lay beside him and cuddle him close, wondering how long until the sun will rise and bring with it what I’m sure will be one of the most difficult days of my life. Wondering if there’s any way out of the mess I’ve created . . .

A flash of blue snatches my attention.

I instantly prop myself onto an elbow, instinctively checking my sleeve. But it’s firmly blanketing the symbol as I expect. After an uncomfortable minute of waiting, heart thumping, staring into the darkness, I resign myself to the possibility that I’m exhausted and my brain is already reliving the trauma of what happened in the cave. And so I settle back down, perhaps clutching Conrad a little tighter now.

Sleep does not claim me as swiftly as I hoped. Along with the position I’ve put my brother in, I cannot stop thinking about what Kitsune said, about how my soul is impure.

Does that mean I’m a bad person? I’ve never thought of myself like that before. I suppose, if I weren’t a bad person, I’d be able to think of at least one example to dispel Kitsune’s claim, an occasion where I’ve helped someone else, made someone’s life better in some way. But I can’t think of anything at all.

What else did the spirit say? I force my mind back, finding it surprisingly easy to recall the words, even how they sounded; whispery and excruciatingly playful.

“You have broken one of the cardinal laws of nature. You have allowed another’s vessel to come to harm by your own hand, and for that, your soul is forever tainted.”

Now with the freedom to think these words over, my stomach twists into knots, because I know exactly what Kitsune meant. Though it’s a memory I don’t often revisit, after hearing Kitsune’s voice inside my head and feeling the sickening, plummeting sensation this evoked, I welcome the distraction with open arms.

And so I wait to drift into a restless sleep, mind consumed by the day my soul became tainted.

#

A/N: So I realised after reading feedback on the last segment that this chapter has been a bit confusing overall. I made it seem as if Conrad either died, or the spirit took his soul, neither of which is true (which I don't mind telling you because I wanted that to be clear anyway).

Kitsune has locked Conrad into a deal, in which he needs to bring three pure souls to the spirit. If he does, Kitsune will release Mother's soul. If he doesn't, Kitsune will take Conrad's soul instead. So yeah, a pretty bleak situation all around haha.

TY