Published November 16, 2011
My death will be the thorn in your side
I wish I had the slightest pity, I just can’t find the time
To spare a moment to consider that you’re not ok,
But after these last thirteen months, I’m longing for this day,
I’m leaving you tonight, I hope you miss me
Cause you’ve taken your sweet time,
I hope it hurts you, I’m hoping the pain lasts
I hope that my body forever scares your path.
But don’t worry; I’m sure that I’ll be fine,
Even if I wasn’t, you’ve already crossed the line,
You proved with your actions that you don’t care,
Even when I broke away, you just stopped and stared.
So I’m leaving you, tonight, I hope you miss me
Cause you’ve taken your sweet time,
I hope it hurts you, I’m hoping the pain lasts
I hope that my body forever scares your path.
Don’t come near me, when I am in my grave,
I don’t want you anymore; I’m finally free of your blame,
My life is over, because you made it so,
You now have to live with that,
That I asked and all you said was no.
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141,303 Literary Works • 674,338 Reviews
Hey there, me again!
Once again, you portray a lovely dark voice in this piece. I love the title as well. It's an attention grabber and that is very important! I love how you made the narrator kind of get in the face of the person he's talking to a little. It made it exciting. It wasn't another one of those "Oh he loves me and she loves him too but theres this other guy and I'm so torn, blah blah blah" pieces. It was different- a breath of fresh air. Can't wait to see more of your writing. Let me know when you get more stuff posted! As always, fantastic job.
~Jess
Hello there! I'm Rose, and I'm going to be reviewing your work today!
First off, I think that this piece of work fits perfectly in the 'lyric poetry' section. I didn't notice what type of poetry it was before I read this, and after I'd finished, I thought that it would make a perfect song. Then I looked at what type of poetry it was! Great work there.
Now, onto the subject of your poem. It's something that I think has been done quite a few times. Not to say that it's a bad subject, I've written things like this myself and don't really know anybody that hasn't. However, I do believe that when you're writing things like this, you need to make them exceptionally fresh in order for them to be truly memorable. I think that you've actually done a pretty good job at that.
This is my favorite part of this poem. I particularly love the second line. It's got a sarcastic attitude about it that I adore!
One last thing. In the 'chorus' of this piece, you used the words 'scares your path'. I'm not sure if you wanted to use the word 'scars' instead.
Great work!! Always keep writing!!
-Rose