DROWN ME
You held me underwater,
Waiting for me to drown,
But I have died once before,
Your knife is still in my back,
Still slick with my blood.
Take it out and cut my throat, drowning didn't work,
Now i'm bleeding, silent screaming, but I still survive.
You said I shot our friendship dead,
Maybe I did, but you loaded it,
My hands stink of blood,
And my heart burns in my chest,
At least I tried my best,
But tears still stain my cheeks.
Bleeding black and Locusts force their way from my skin,
As I fall apart I'm glad to be dead,
I didn't give in, you didn't end me.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
This was reall great although I didn't see the point of the locust being in there, but that's not a really big problem. It was great over all
Keep up the good work
Hi, Zombie!
You've really got fantastic imagery, which is undoubtedly where that emotion is coming from. You had some really great moments, too, with the way you phrase certain lines and your choice of words. I'll have to take this stanza by stanza, actually. I don't any initial points to make besides the good ones.
It was awkward to read -- I had to read it two or three times to get it right -- but once I understood, I thought this was a great way to start. Considering it's called "Drown Me," starting with an image of drowning really benefited the song. The knife bit, I'm unsure about. At least, it doesn't feel like it belongs in the same stanza as drowning since those are two different deaths. Drowning is a feeling of suffocation while being stabbed in the back is a sharp pain in your chest. They're a bit different!
The rhythm here worked surprisingly well. Very nice! Though again, I'm not sure about the bleeding plus drowning. That kind of connection might require more lyrics to the song to explain the situation at hand more -- help the listener understand what the singer is getting at.
I just love that bold couplet. Your choice of words to indicate the metaphor of a gun? Seriously, that is fantastic.
We got the heartburn, yay! More blood, yay! And now we introduce a new image that wasn't alluded to before -- tears. It's one of those random lines that could require more foreshadowing. By that I mean, before this, I didn't imagine the speaker was sad. I imagined him more angry or upset. But I didn't see tears coming, so it threw me off a bit. Something to look at!
Your lines here are just awesome. Seriously, you have a great choice in words/phrasings. My only concern is what this has to do with the rest of the song! Tie it all together. That last stanza should make sense, but the final line here only confused me more. How did that person not end the singer? D: He was complaining about it the whole time!
So while your imagery and vocabulary/structure is excellent, probably work on tying it all together so that it makes sense according to the subject at hand. Of course, maybe it's just me.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Thank you both so much! I never thought I was any good, I always thought I was just average o.o Never thought I could make people feel anything. Thank you both.
Wow. Such great emotion. I'm sorry about your friendship, but you used it to make something quite good. I am going to give you some suggestions:
So those were some things I would look at. Overall, I connected with the first and third stanzas. They were very powerful. I had a friend like that once. I woke up and realized she wasn't worth it. It hurt but sometimes friendships end. (So that was my philosophical lecture of the day.) Thanks so much for sharing this poem.
Oh wow.
Hi there, ZombieSquirrel.
I love how you put so much emotion into this poem. Great imagery, you chose amazing words, and it flows neatly. Although, in the second stanza, you didn't capitalized an 'i'. But other than that, this is brilliant. The way you started is catchy, makes me wonder what the hell is happening. xD And the way you describe those simple situation is just amazing!
Keep writing!
~Solly<3