A large castle hung in a void of total darkness, the only noise heard was the screams and begging of inhuman voices. The massive castle was dressed in gothic lace, gold and obsidian brick dancing with a grim sort of wealth and skill. This dark structure seemed dwarfed by the great void yet within seemed just as infinite, just as dark. The castles depths hung many creatures, a morbid spectacle of the long dead. They were split by species and, by what could be diverged, gender from the strange mass of colors and limbs. The creatures seemed to be floating, just mere inches from the ground, with a haze of white outlining their dull and lifeless body.
Within the keep countless steps forward into that massive castle stood decrepit and warped creatures, in each row was another dark creature, its frail bloated hands writing in a book that seemed older than itself. Unlike the dull lifeless shells far at the back those closer seemed alive and fluid, self-aware and scared as they spoke to their grim host. One such voice rang out as if purer then the others, from a human that was not quite right. His eyes were pitch black, and his skin was a deathly pale. In a line if millions he seemed unique as if drawn by this force the voice starts to raise and lower, twisting the air and the fabric of reality, with it, images begain flashing around the hall, burning anyone who gazed upon them and then the memories of a long dead soul took form ripping through the senses, a life time in a single second.
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140,220 Literary Works • 673,046 Reviews
Wheep wheep. I asked you to review my story, and I thought I'd pop by your portfolio for a review too, since I should actually review more often! Anyway, onwards!
So, before I move on to the technical stuff -- which isn't much except for a couple of typos -- let me tell you that your descriptions are very captivating! I like how you personify things, and yet you don't make it stark-obvious. One suggestion I would like to make here, though, is that avoid writing in a passive tone. Now, the question to all questions is:
How to make the passive non-passive?
Simple, really. The first sentence, for example:
By changing the "A" to "The," you're telling us that you're not just talking about any castle; you're telling us about the castle in your story. The reader immediately focuses on the castle. "A" is usually used for side-line descriptions, ones that don't really contribute to the story. Using "the" does just the opposite.
So ... now for the nit-picky-ness...
"begain" should be "began."
A semi-colon is technically more proper there.
I absolutely loved this description you had here:
Just ... *shivers* It was so vivid! Great work!
Overall, lovely intro you've got here. It's kind of a prologue, right? A teaser? I think you've got the teasing thing down pretty well, and since Deadman already pointed out the bits where you were slightly ambiguous, I don't think I need to repeat that.
Keep it up! Keep writing!
Cheers,
~Pompadour
Hey! I'm back to review you. So as everyone prior to me has stated, there is great detail. I'm not even done with the first paragraph and I'm already painting this image in my head. I will admit it is a little hard to understand in a few places, but upon reading the sentence over I can determine what you meant.
"The castles depths hung many creatures, a morbid spectacle of the long dead. "
Two things wrong with the above statement, first off, well just read it out loud to yourself, it doesn't sound quite right to you does it? "The castles depths hung many creatures." I feel like a word is missing in my honest opinion. I understand you where going for an ominous feeling in this intro, and you've got it, but you might want to change this sentence up a little bit. Also the fact that castle is clearly possessive of the shadows so it should have an apostrophe. I personally would have done the sentence like this, "In the castle's depths, hung many creatures, a morbid spectacle of the long dead."
It seems better to me, but the more I look at the original sentence, it is more appealing to me. Eh, go with what you think is better and fits and flows with the text. I think your's could be right, but I'm really second guessing myself now.
"The creatures seemed to be floating, just mere inches from the ground, with a haze of white outlining their dull and lifeless body."
Whoops, you were just talking about creatures, as in multiple and wrote body, implying that there is only one. That should probably say bodies.
"Within the keep countless steps forward into that massive castle stood decrepit and warped creatures, in each row was another dark creature, its frail bloated hands writing in a book that seemed older than itself."
I would do away with this part. "Within the keep." It doesn't flow right at all, and to be honest it sounds right without it. "Countless steps forward into that massive castle stood decrepit and warped creatures, in each row was another dark creature, its frail bloated hands writing in a book that seemed older than itself."
"Unlike the dull lifeless shells far at the back those closer seemed alive and fluid, self-aware and scared as they spoke to their grim host."
Put a comma after back.
"In a line if millions he seemed unique as if drawn by this force"
Needs a comma after millions.
Overall this story was very detailed, and I liked it, and I am going to go read the first chapter the second I get a chance! I look forward to more from you. This story is definitely going to be an interesting one. I hope my review helped you a little bit. Happy writing!
Cheers,
Deadman XD
I absolutely love the picture you've created! It is ever so descriptive, I can almost see everything about this castle: the obsidian brick dancing with a grim sort of wealth and skill, gothic lace, morbid spectacle, haze of white, decrepit castle, warped creatures, grim host, and so on... You really know how to use imagery to the fullest.
You've also been able to create a nice eerie mood, which can be a very good technique.
I also liked how through all of the description, I was also able to pick up on some action going on as well. This indicates a good balance to your story.
"A large castle hung in a void of total darkness"
Do castles really hang? ...but void is certainly a very good way to describe darkness... but you end up using void again in the same paragraph...you may want to change that up to create a greater variety.
"Within the keep countless steps" ?? did you mean to put a comma after 'keep'?
Why didn't you write more?! That was great, I'm really intrigued, I'd love to read more and look forward to doing so. Great job.
An intro at most should only be a page or two, they are sort of like the teaser to a movie, hinting at something that will happen later on in the story, and telling the reader "this opening might be slow, but look what is will happen if you wait a few chapters! Which is why I kept this by itself, I am not sure if I really attach this to the story.
Also, I am going to review everyone who reviewed me, so anything you specifically would like a massively detailed review of?
Hello! I'm Sarah and I'm here to review!
I love the description in this! It was absolutely amazing how you described things! I particularly like this line:
"The massive castle was dressed in gothic lace, gold and obsidian brick dancing with a grim sort of wealth and skill."
That line paints a picture in my head of a castle that is so grand and amazing! I like it!
The idea is really hard to follow though. At first, I was a little lost but then I got the hang of it. I must admit though, I had to read this around three times to actually fully understand the concept. It was confusing at first but I finally understand it, it's set in the middle ages or something like that.
I think you need to clear up the idea a little. Just try to explain it a little better.
Second thing, I think there's something wrong with the format of the story itself. It's a little annoying to read like this. As stated below, don't press keep format. Otherwise it'll look really untidy.
One last thing, why is the chapter so short? I know this will sound selfish but I think this could be longer, it'll suit it better!
Overall, I love the description and the idea, (once I got it), but I feel it's missing something. Something that'll spark the readers interest.
Oh! I forgot to tell you! The mood is really well done in this! Great job!
Please don't feel offended by this, I'm only trying to help.
Catch you later!
Thank you for your suggestions and thoughts, (and the complement for how I describe things
)
Don't worry about ever offending someone who wishes to improve, if they ask for others opinions they are expected to be able to handle the answer. : D
Also...expect a review in return later, as a thank you.
You're very welcome! I'm happy I could help!
I'll start with the criticism:
It's a little hard to tell what's going on, and sometimes I have to reread details because they seem to contradict.
Next time, when you copy and paste, don't click keep format, because there are funny little scroll bars within the text. It makes reading a little confusing.
Watch your commas and run-ons. Reading aloud helps with these things!
And lastly, and I've noticed this in other short opening chapters, there isn't as much exposition as I would like. The mystery part is great, but it needs a solid problem to arise soon.
Now for my compliments:
You did an awesome job setting the mood. I can already tell there's a lot of dark stuff happening. The element of mystery is great, and I definitely want to read more.
So far the plot seems like it has lots of possibility, so I hope you come up something really shocking. There's a ton of potential here.
Keep it up!
If you can see this next time you log on, sorry for the slow reply, was waiting to see what would happen and how many people would react, thank you for mentioning and (yes run-ons, my old enemy.) The reason you might notice that is because openings such at what I am doing are not so much an expression of the problem, but a hint at the conflict and challenges to come, to draw the reader in and keep them interesting. It's a common tool when the opening chapter is...for lack of a better word, mellow. This story in fact will be VERY dark, but the opening chapter will just be introducing the themes, which is always the scary part for a writer, the introduction, a mellow opening can destroy a book.
Also yes, when I see formate, I expect it to keep the formate I put it in with. Fix it I shall. Expect a review in return from me.