z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence Mature Content

A Dungeon Boss's Journal Chapter 1

by Zolen


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Day 1

Most creatures can’t describe what it’s like to be born. To me, it felt...cold. A cold dark mess that was quickly overtaken by light. I heard faint muttering, some far off laugh, and then a scream. I heard beeping, followed by footsteps before someone yelled “STOP!”

…I tried to talk, and then the world went a heck of a lot darker.

When I could finally see I found myself in a dirty stone room with no doors or windows, bare of decorations except for a lazily carved stone throne. No doors, no explanation for why I was there, and no memories to point out what I was. 

I had vague spots of information, I could strangely name the room as a room, and the throne as a throne. I could name me as me. But I couldn’t figure out much more.

Without any hints as to what I was or what I was doing in this place I decided to interact with the only thing in the room.

The throne.

It was a pitiful thing, a solid stone lump that looked like someone punched it into the shape of a throne, rather then planned it. I didn’t want to touch the thing for some reason. Like I was finalizing some plan that I was no longer aware of. But as it was the only thing in the room, and there was no way out of here, I figured I might as well take a seat.

So I did.

“Following the orders of the Greater Goddess of the Underworld [Narull], and Lesser God of Dungeons [Snover] you have been granted a base level Dungeon, and a level one boss body.”

“What?” I said, confused at the words in my head.

“For further advancement please pick a boss body from the following monsters.”

A screen appeared in my head listing off three monsters.

-Hobgoblin

-Orc

-Kobold

I realized for the first time that I never actually saw myself. When walking around, looking down, and stumbling throughout the room, while I could feel, and roughly gauge where I was, I never actually saw my own hands. So I finally looked down to see…

Nothing.

I was a floating existence, hanging in the air.

An awareness without a body.

I refocused on my choices, all of them monsters, slightly higher then the lowest existences this world had, my mind told me. I suppose even as a [Boss] monster I was placed in a level one dungeon, so I couldn’t expect much. Thinking it over for a few minutes I decided on Hobgoblin, which was the most human of the options. For some reason I felt like that was the closest to what I was used to being.

The Orcs, and Kobolds, while humanoid as well were a bit more distorted then I was comfortable with. Orcs had large brutish bodies, massive clumsy hands, and tiny eyes. Kobolds, while reasonably sized, and quite powerful, had a dragon like face, and webbed fingers that i judged as awkward in the dry environment I am in.

Hobgoblins being short ugly green creatures with long ears, a massive nose, and gnarly hands. Their mouths are a hardened bone-like jagged line with curved teeth inside. But at least it would allow me to function better then the other options according to what little information my mind had. 

Out of the three Orc's seemed focused on power while sacrificing intelligence, something I would like to keep. 

Kobolds seem set on defense, and movement in water, since I see no water, it would be useless to me I figured.

Hobgoblins seemed like they were a balanced species with a slightly focus on speed and attack.

So I decided on Hobgoblins in the end.

As soon as I made my choice I could see my hands, which were grey for some reason. If there are any other changes from the standard Hobgoblin, I had and have no means of finding out.

As soon as I picked the option a screen appeared.

Name: ---

Gender: Male

Level: 1

Race: Hobgoblin Variant [Boss Class]

Titles: None earned at this time

Skills:

[Dungeon Administration lvl 1/20 rank up possible]

[Blessing of the Underworld lvl 1/20 rank up possible]

[Skill Copy lvl 1/20 rank up possible]

[Dungeon Override lvl 1/3 rank up possible]

[Flail lvl 1/20]

Status points:

HP: 100

MP: 20

Strength: 3 (+1) = 4

Dexterity: 2

Endurance: 2 (+1) = 3

Intelligence: 3 (+35) = 38

Charisma: 1 (+35) = 36

Magic: 3

Agility: 2

Luck: 1 (+1)= 2

“As a Dungeon boss class monster, Intelligence and Charisma have been boosted beyond species perimeters in order to allow proper dungeon administration.”

I tried asking a few questions about the screen, but the text in my head didn’t reply, so I was forced to experiment myself.

After playing around with the screen a little bit and testing what I could, I determined that:

[Dungeon Administration] was a skill that allowed me to control the layout of the structure I am trapped in.

[Blessing of the Underworld] is a passive skill that boost my strength, endurance, and luck.

[Flail] is an active skill that causes on attack of mine to count as four low chance to hit attacks. It seemed to have a second long cool down.

[Skill Copy] I had nothing to test on at the time but it looks like a skill that allows me to copy any skill that I see, the level deciding how high the chance that I actually learn it is.

[Dungeon Override] doesn’t seem to do anything at the moment, but it sounds important.

As I focused on the skill [Dungeon Administration] a map appeared, outlining my room and how much space I can lay out rooms and halls. A number hung in my vision telling me how complex I was allowed to make the dungeon, how many traps I could lay down, and how many monster spawns I could place. Along with mentioning that I was required to make my room attach to an entrance point in my dungeon.

Because I could only lay down two simple traps and only had enough freedom on complexity to create a straight line to the exit, I decided to place the only monster spawn, a goblin, in my [Boss] room. I noticed I could [rank up] the monster but I didn’t have enough of the [coins] they were asking for. I also noticed I could change it’s weapons, but as I didn’t have anything other then a club myself, I decided to leave that alone for now.

As soon as I mentally pushed [execute] a simple archway formed on the side of the room I laid out for an entrance. I watched as walls shifted to allow simple traps, and then heard a buzz as a goblin spawned off to my left, dressed in a rag that covered most of it’s chest and legs, and armed with a simple club.

The goblin seemed just as ugly as me, just shorter, but unlike me it didn’t seem capable of anything other then following simple directions. I tried talking to it, but it didn’t do anything other then making growling noises. I am not sure if that is a goblin language or if it is too stupid to have a language. I decided to name the goblin Ash because it had gray skin for some reason.

I tried to leave the dungeon several times, but some invisible barrier stopped me from actually exiting. Outside of my dungeon I noticed it was night, even though it seemed dark I could see quite clearly, it seemed like my dungeon was based in some abandoned mine as I could see some rail carts and pick axes littering the landscape, overgrown weeds locking them all in place. The only other thing worth noting was there were two moons in the sky, one big white one, and one small red one. I don’t know why but I felt like there should only be one moon.

With nothing else to do I dozed off on the stone throne, it was strangely quite comfortable.

Day 2

Today was quite a boring day.

I woke up to my only companion, the goblin Ash I placed a spawn for staring at me and behind it I noticed a small pile of gold. Quickly checking my screen I realize that I had more gold now, not enough to rank up the goblin I had, but more, and that a [gold spawn] was marked on my map, saying:

“Time till next coin spawns, 12 minutes and 43 seconds.”

There was an option to upgrade the coin spawn rate and shorten the spawn time. I only had enough coins for one of them so I raised the coin spawn rate, since the time shortening only lowered the time by one second.

“Time till 3 coins spawn, 11 minutes and 12 seconds.”

The small pile of coins in the center of my [Boss] room dwindled, sinking through the floor till there were only a few coins left. Waiting till it ticked over three more coins spawned in the pile and I realized it takes two hours per what ever many coins it was set at, in this case 3.

Nothing else happened so I spent my time trying to talk to Ash, which didn’t go well. So instead I practiced fighting against it, training I reasoned. We didn’t gain any levels but I figured out how to move my body more, and Ash seemed more capable by the end.

Day 3

Today was a weird day. Not that it means much given the last two days since I was born.

But let's talk about how it started first. After waking up and boosting the number of coins that spawn several times until it was 10, I heard a noise and then text popped up in my head.

“Warning, Two Level 1 Adventurers approaching.”

A corner of my mind told me that I should either kill them or scare them away otherwise they would kill me. Which I figured was a bad thing. So I ordered Ash to hide off to the right of the entry in order to surprise them, and I decided to wait on my throne in order to draw their attention.

As they entered my dungeon and easily avoided the two lazy traps I noticed one was a well armored, blue haired human woman. She looked strong, yet the way she moved was rather clumsy like she had never worn armor before. Behind her was a weak looking little human boy in a cheap and torn up robe. Somehow he didn’t run into any of my traps, despite tripping over his robe so many times. The girl seemed to be the weak boys older sister, and she kept lecturing him as they walked. It was pointless bravado chatter so I won’t write it down. But even to a newly born creature like me, it was clear that she didn’t really know much. I felt sorry for them.

But as soon as they entered my [Boss] room, I signaled to Ash and it attacked the small boy.

While I felt sorry for them, I still didn’t want to die.

While the small boy was panicking, I rushed the older girl. Some text in my mind telling me she was a warrior class. While I didn’t have much power, she didn’t quite know what to do with her sword. Luckily since I trained with Ash for an entire day I knew what I was doing a bit more, bashing her in the face several times. After only a few seconds I used [Flail], missing twice but still overwhelming her defenses, I had killed her, her body rapidly turning into bones before disappearing. It seemed weird to me, but at least I didn’t have to clean up the bodies.

The pale boy, the text telling me he was a cleric looked over, screaming out the name “Anna!” before Ash caved his skull in. The boys’ body disappeared and a text message appeared.

“Invading adventurers defeated, 10% of their gold has been added to your stockpile.”

Along with that I noticed left over gear from their deaths, a limbs worth of armor and a weapon. Apparently anything cut off stays where it's left rather then being brought with the looser.

After using the money to boost the coin spawn rate to 13 I heard a noise and the alert text appeared in my head.

“Warning, Two Level 1 Adventurers approaching.”

I directed Ash to hid off to the side again and waited on my throne. To my surprise the warrior girl named Anna and her cleric brother entered my dungeon again. While I didn’t know the rules of this world, it felt weird to see someone I thought I killed alive again.

“I’m going to get you this time, you weird grey goblin!” She yelled. Her previously cut off arm perfectly fine, though without the fancy armor she had originally came in with.

To her credit, she did ‘get’ me. After predicting the surprise attack of ash, and killing it, the both charged at me, I was slightly stronger then the blue haired girl, the constant healing by her cleric meant she killed me in the end. It was weird how calmly I took it, fading off to the sound of that girl jumping and cheering.

“Invading adventurers won, 10% of your gold has been added to their stockpile.”

After what seemed like a few seconds I woke up on my throne, the two adventurers waiting further back like they had been waiting there a while. This time when they attacked, I won, using Ash to back me up rather then surprise them. The fighting went back and forth, with me winning most of the time, but they kept attacking me, both of us slowly leveling up, my [Flail] ability reaching level 3, my self in general reaching level 7, and Ash reaching level 2.

“You're my rival now! I only lost three more times than you! So you better not lose before I come back!” The blue haired girl yelled at the end of the day.

It was a weird day.

With the money I got I raised the coin spawn rate to 15.

Day 4

Nobody showed up so I spent the day training with Ash, raising my coin spawn rate to 20 by the end of the day. Still not enough coins to bother with slowing down the spawn time. I'll just wait till I have a bunch of money to lower it by a bunch. Maybe when I have enough to remove ten minutes from the time. But that might take a while.

Day 5

Several adventurers arrived, all human at level one, as I had gotten to level 7 I killed all of them quite easily. While a few tried again, most of them left after one try. So most of the day I just waited around. Sadly they didn’t have enough coins on them to raise my coin spawn rate. I raised it to 22 by the end of the day. Me and Ash spent the rest of the day training. 

Since I knew that Ash would just re-spawn, I didn’t worry about killing it this time. So I feel like we both got a lot better at avoiding damage by the end.

Pretty sure Ash was glaring at me by the end of the day though…

I wonder what gender Ash is anyway?

I don’t know if it would be rude to check or not.

--------------------------------------------

Glossary


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Sun Jun 26, 2016 10:06 pm
reikann wrote a review...



Finally, I shall write a review for chapters one through five.
Zeno is taking the video game logic well in stride. One would, given that it's all he remembers.
Knowing what I know from later chapters, I enjoy Zeno's early humanity and emotion, as shown by him (I'm going to call Zeno a him, even though it's non confirmed, because I feel as if Zeno is meant to be a him. This could be wrong).
The characterization given to the adventurers is effective. I would enjoy other, future adventurers being given a similar treatment, or perhaps receiving slights hints of their personality by way of items they leave behind or the like.
Can some of the character stats be simplified somewhat, for ease of reading? Magic/Int and Agility/Dex, for instance, are by D&D rules one and the same.
What species was he once? I recall in a later chapter, he feels a visual kinship to a half-elf. That is a dramatic Int and Cha bonus. Why, I wonder? Was he a half-elf sorcerer? And why does Zeno feel as if there should be only one moon? This world definitely requires a constant influx of new dungeons, if all bosses are as competent as our protagonist. Mysteries, mysteries!




Zolen says...


Agility is how someone moves, dexterity has to do with the hands, how you handle things, intelligence is how smart you are, magic is how much raw power you have. Merging them does not make sense to me.

Zeno is a he, I just can't figure out a way to outright say that, so rather imply it through his actions and how people respond to him.

Also the title grey lord. Lords are male.

As for the rest, happy to know you are curious, which was the intent.



reikann says...


Leave Dex/Agility and Int/Magic the same if you will; 'twas but a suggestion. My opinion remains unchanged.
I also just noticed the Gender: Male segment of the character sheets - that is a pretty 'out' way of expressing gender. Heh. It must have been buried in the statistics.



Zolen says...


Zolen may have forgotten that he made it obvious on account of other things.



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Sat May 21, 2016 1:05 pm
Mageheart wrote a review...



Hi Zolen! Mage here to do the promised review! :D

While reading this, I found myself getting a kick out of the video game aspect, laughing at some of the main character's comments, and wondering what had happened before he became a dungeon boss. Basically, you've gotten me hooked and I'm officially obsessed.

Following what I've seen other people do, I'll leave nitpicky stuff in a spoiler.

Spoiler! :


I woke up to my only companion, the goblin Ash I placed a spawn for staring at me, and behind it I noticed a small pile of gold.


The commas are weirdly placed here. I would suggest getting rid of the comma after "me" and putting one after "spawn".

Today was a weird day. Not that, that means much given the last two days since I was born.


I would suggest getting rid of one of the "thats". Also, I loved that line. :D

But lets talk about how it started first. After waking up and boosting the number of coins that spawn several times until it was 10, I heard a noise and then text popped up in my head.


There should be a comma after the "t" in "lets".

Behind her was a weak looking little human boy in a cheap and torn up robe, somehow he didn’t run into any of my traps despite tripping over his robe so many times.


There should be a period after the first "robe" and a comma after "traps".

This time when they attacked, I won, using ash to back me up rather then surprise them.


The "a" in "ash" should be capitalized. Also, looks our protagonist is adapting! :D

“Your my rival now! I only lost three more times then you! So you better not loose before I come back!” The blue haired girl yelled at the end of the day.


"Your" should be "You're". "Then" should be "than". "Loose" should be "lose." And the "t" in "the" should be lowercased. I love the possibilities of what her promised return could mean. If the girl continues to come back, who knows? Maybe - and I know this is far-fetched - the protagonist can become friends with her.



Now here's all the stuff that made me laugh! :D

It seemed weird to me, but at least I didn’t have to clean up the bodies.


For some reason I got a kick out of that comment.

I wonder what gender Ash is anyway?
I don’t know if it would be rude to check or not.


I pretty much died there.

Okay, onto the stuff that isn't classified as possible future revisions or things I found humorous.

I realized for the first time that I never actually saw myself. When walking around, looking down, and stumbling throughout the room, while I could feel, and roughly gauge where I was, I never actually saw my own hands. So I finally looked down to see…
Nothing.
I was a floating existence, hanging in the air.
An awareness without a body.


That would have terrified me! I'm not sure if the MC isn't too terrified because his doesn't remember much, but maybe you could include that if it wasn't something you thought of. It just would have made me pee my non-existent pants.

For some reason I felt like that was the closest to what I was used to being.


The implications of this statement are great ones. Now I have to wonder how dungeon bosses are created. Something tells me they might have once been human...

While I felt sorry for them, I still didn’t want to die.


Yeah! The MC has a conscience! (The things I get excited over.)

I'll make sure to get to the next chapters soon! :D Also, I think the title of this should be "A Dungeon Boss's Journal". Keep up the awesome work - which I doubt you'll trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night! :D




Zolen says...


I'll make sure to get to the next chapters soon! :D Also, I think the title of this should be "A Dungeon Boss's Journal".

.....*totally goes out of his way to fix this major error*

*also fixes errors based on what you pointed out.*

That would have terrified me! I'm not sure if the MC isn't too terrified because his doesn't remember much, but maybe you could include that if it wasn't something you thought of. It just would have made me pee my non-existent pants.


He quickly picked a species because it confused him, but the whole lack of a body didn't bother him much, he was still rather dazed about the whole existing at all thing after all.

Happy you like the story.



Mageheart says...


Sorry for taking so long to reply to your replies!

That makes sense. I have characters in my stories who suddenly pop into existence, but I had never thought of that! Well, you learn something everyday, I guess. :D



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Thu May 19, 2016 6:01 am
Lightsong wrote a review...



Hey, I'm here to review as promised! :D

First, the technical stuff because my inner perfectionist is too strong:

1.

Spoiler! :
A cold dark mess that was quickly over taken overtaken by light.


2.

I like the part about him feeling how it is to be born. That's something I rarely read in novels, not even in fantasy. It's a good way to start the novel.

3.

When I could finally see I found myself in a dirty stone room with no doors or windows, the room baredd of decorations except for a lazily carved stone throne.


Try to avoid repetition as much as possible. This here can easily be fixed to avoid just that.

4.

The part about him knowing to understand things is also interesting. Now I'm really intrigued of who he is... or rather, what he is... o.o

5.

Without any hints as to what I was or what I was doing in this place I decided to interact with the only thing in the room.

The throne.


A touch of humour. I like. xD

6.

“What?” I said, confused at the words floating in my head.


This one is confusing. Is it in his head, or on it? If it's in, does it matter if they're floating? Having them in it is enough already... although I don't think that's the case? EDIT: There's another mention about this, and you stick with in the head, so I think the floating part isn't really necessary. Anyway, we're on into some game-based setting, so I'd see how it goes.

7.

Hobgoblins being short ugly green creatures with long ears, a massive nose, and gnarly hands. But at least it would allow me to function better than the other options, as soon as I did that I could see my hands, which were grey for some reason.


Expand on this. How does it make the protagonist function better than the others? Is it something his mind tell him, or if there's any logic he applies here?

8.

Explanation about the terms, as interesting as it could be, is info-dumpy--I wonder if you can make a footnote for it? That'd make it better for the story, and extract a substantial part of it to make it tighter without losing its meaning. Also, try to avoid bolding the words as many as possible. Here, you've already given a '[ ]' sign for the terms, so the bolding isn't necessary. For the character profile, instead of bolding it, you can italicize it.

9.

As they entered my dungeon and easily avoided the two lazy traps I noticed one was a well-armored , blue-haired human woman.


Alright, so this is interesting. I'm actually not a fan of action genre, and the actions here aren't richly described, so I'm fine with this. I like the game setting too. It has huge potential to be explored deeper, and I think the descriptions can be made more detail to give us a better visualization of the surrounding.

I'm surprised that while the protagonist is able to name his monster spawn Ash, he doesn't have any thought to name himself. I think it would dawn on him that he himself has no name and would want to make one. Hmm. He's also a bit lacking emotionally, and sometimes act innocent that can be funny (like talking to the throne and wondering whether it's rude or not to ask Ash's gender). I'm pretty interested with his slightly detached personality, although I'd expect more emotions and inner monologues from him.

I also notice there's no apparent plot in here. The days seem to be nothing much different from each other, and the protagonist doesn't set a goal for himself. I worry about that, because I can't expect what's going to happen in the sense that I don't know what is this supposed to be about rather than a retelling of the protagonist's gaming daily routine. It's also sketchy whether the protagonist is playing a real game, or if he's a character played by real people. That can be shown in the story. Questions are good when they're necessary.

Also, I usually don't bring this up, but your grammatical errors are enough to be noticed, as it interrupts my readability. Dashes and apostrophes should be applied where they're due, and sentence structure can be paid a closer attention.

Overall, it's an interesting chapter, one that has potential. Keep improving! :D




Zolen says...


Edited following your suggestions a bit.

As for the bolding, while it may be overboard, I fear that as the plot progresses and more skills and terms appear, it's going to get harder to keep track of. So I want to make it as easy as possible for readers to spot unique terms.

Yes, his lack of naming himself, and a few others things he does is meant to reflect is distinct lack of self awareness.

As for the gaming routine, I'm not sure what your talking about. I have not implied anything about this story not taking place in some reality. As far as the character knows, they actually exist in that world, trapped in that dungeon.

At the moment the character and reader are still getting a handle on the world. As he is isolated, other then the drive to get stronger since people are attacking him, he has nothing. As more characters choose to talk to him rather then attack he will develop more of a drive.

Sorry for the grammatical errors. I can't claim I will get any better at it, but I will continue to try my best at spotting them.

Thank you.



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Wed May 18, 2016 9:13 pm
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TheSilverFox wrote a review...



Hello there, Zolen! I thought I'd drop by, thanks to this surprisingly large amount of spare time I have, and review a story for the first time in a while. And, since you wanted an interest check on your story, I'll be sure to provide that as well. :D

First, let's get down to the gist of the story. Plot, characters, theme, setting, etc.

...Wow, this really is awesome. The concept is fun, it's beautifully developed, and I couldn't stop thinking about this story when I finished reading it. This screams a fantasy RPG or MMORPG, especially in the way you incorporated the stream of text and the options that the unnamed dungeon boss has to control his dungeon and the attributes within it. That was a nice touch, not to mention the multitude of adventurers who arrive to battle this dungeon boss and the way you skillfully described the battles that take place.

What, now that I think about it, impresses me the most is that you provide the immerse experience of an RPG in the form of a story. The dungeon itself is tiny, without many spaces or additions, and populated by solely the main character and his goblin minion. And yet you assure that I'm never bored. Through implementations like the coin spawns, the main character's sudden birth and the whirlwind of strange things that happen around him, as well as the way that you discuss the concept of death and conflict in the story, it's not as though I'm faced with constant descriptions of a simple, stone room or the persistent discussion of boredom likely experienced by this dungeon boss. While it probably would've been nice to hear his own thoughts a little more often, given that he seems to take an observational and distant tone about everything, and I'm curious to learn more about his thoughts of his experiences and his sudden introduction into the world, you provide many of the components of a fun RPG fantasy game through a unique perspective flip. So, definitely, nice job with respect to that.

Moving onwards, I find your character development to be spectacular. The dungeon boss's fear, surprise, and confusion are all noted accordingly and in a clear fashion. I could definitely relate to him in a variety of ways, especially when it comes to the realization of a lack of material form or the general confusion over the attributes of his environment that he comes into contact with at the beginning of the story. Ash was also fascinating, partially because of its simplistic behavior and ability to be controlled by the main character, but also how it gradually develops over these five days. From simple grunting and a lack of strategy to slowly learning how to fight, use surprise tactics, or just support the main character in his endeavors, the goblin quickly starts to mature as a noticeable character. The training was a nice and accurate touch, since I can't imagine that the dungeon boss would have much else to do in such a small, enclosed space that he can't escape from, and it would be a good way to make both him and Ash more capable of fighting. His contemplation about Ash at the end of Day 5 was a nice, humorous touch to the story, and I like how it helps to improve the reader's understanding of just who exactly the main character is like, as well as what Ash could be like.

As for any complaints or concerns I might have, I can't say much. It would've been nice to delve further into the main character's confusion at his sudden birth and surroundings, although, given what little he is able to do on a daily basis, it wouldn't surprise me that he could develop a nonchalant personality about things quickly enough. It also wouldn't have been bad if you'd gone to discuss what other options the main character had for a dungeon boss, mostly to help develop the setting of your world a little more and shed light on the potential that the boss could've had. Too, I would've also liked to have seen further character development in Day 3 between the dungeon boss and the challengers. Of course, in the case of the latter, I can't really complain, since I loved the way the dungeon boss used basic fighting strategies to his advantage, not to mention how your descriptions of the personality and actions of the brother-sister duo helped to emphasize them as characters. The rivalry part was kind of cool, as well as their fighting persistently throughout the day. Nice way to pass time and get stronger, eh? And, of course, I have the sneaking suspicion that I'll be seeing the both of them later, and that'll start to shine more and more as they pursue this opposition, so I'm definitely looking forward to that.

Lastly, I get the feeling that this is a diary of some kind. I'm assuming that this is just the character's own observations in his mind as the days pass by? Because I'm not sure he'd know how to write, given that he seems to have just been created, and, as a hobgoblin, he has large hands, not to mention a lack of writing implements. I'm just asking because I was going to talk about your shifting between the past and present tense frequently, which sometimes seems inconsistent or a little jarring to the readers, as they might not be sure what the timeframe of the story is. However, if that's the case, that would make a lot of sense, except for when you discuss the skills, since you seem to switch between their functions while also jumping between the two tenses. That's something I might recommend that you work on.

Otherwise, I liked this story a lot! A lot of my remaining notes all come down to your usage of grammar and sentences in the story. I'd just like to recommend that you focus on defining different concepts, like the throne or the room, with the help synonyms, because you frequently seem to repeat the same word for these concepts within closely related sentences, or even twice in the same one. And that can be a bit boring to read through, if you understand what I mean. A variety of words to refer to the same thing, like space, structure, dungeon for the room, etc, can provide a little more life and air to the story, and make it a little more interesting for readers to read through. Beyond that, I'd also suggest that you focus on reading your story out loud and apply commas at spots where you pause, as there are several points in the work in which it would've been preferential if you had incorporated a pause in that form, or you added a pause where it wasn't exactly necessary.

On the other hand, there were several points where you added commas when dashes or semicolons would've been more useful. The general rule of thumb here is to use a dash or semicolon when you can take the connecting ideas and break them out to form sentences of their own. In that case, they are both independent clauses, which can stand on their own, and you're better off separating them by means other than commas, which usually separate dependent clauses, who must depend on the independent ones in order to form their own sentence. Lastly, I notice that sometimes you stitch together sentences with somewhat different ideas, or you don't properly provide a connection action-wise between two concepts. That can interrupt the flow of the story (which, might I add, is otherwise flawless. Not too detail-heavy, and not too quick that character development is stifled by action. Nicely done!) and be a little jolting towards the reader. For instance, "..better then the other options, as soon as I did that I could see my hands,..." would've flowed a lot better if you mentioned in between these two ideas that he chose the option, and then went on to explain what happened to his hands.

Regardless, all in all, I loved this story. It was fun to read from start to finish, and I'm impressed! If you'd like me to delve any deeper into my review, please feel free to ask, and I'll be more than happy to reply. While, given my schedule, I can't exactly guarantee I'll be able to review future chapters, if you'd like me to, I'll see what I can do. Great job, and what a great work you have here! Keep it up! :D




Zolen says...


I am happy that you enjoyed my idea, and hope you are willing to continue reading.

Hm, I had three paragraphs worth of information on his other choices, but as it felt like a slow info dump no matter how I phrased it, I removed them figuring that I can explain them later if he ever runs into them.

The exact source of these writings is meant to be explained later, however I will agree that he does not know how to write or read when he is first born, nor does he have the tools to do so.

Sorry for the grammar, I am quite rusty, and in part am trying to brute forced my flaws out by writing as much as possible. Sadly it does not seem to be worry.

While I am happy for any deeper review, simply hearing peoples thoughts as they read through the chapters are useful enough to me at this point. I am trying to feel out a good story more then anything.



Zolen says...


hm, following your suggestion I gave a little bit more information on the two other choices.



TheSilverFox says...


Yep, that looks fairly reasonable to me. It does a nice job of specifying the main character's thought process, not to mention the advantages and disadvantages of the other two options. And it flowed well enough to where it didn't act as an info dump. Nice job!

Oh, no problem! This is a good story so far, and it definitely has a lot of potential to expand and become a well-rounded, well-developed world. Which is cool. I'll definitely see if I can't find time to keeping reading (and reviewing, of course). And don't worry significantly about the grammar; I can still read the story just fine, and I rarely run into spots where it troubles me in any fashion. I understand, especially since I have a tendency to struggle with my grammar when I'm writing something, usually when it's either long or I'm writing very fast.

Anyways, since I do have some spare time, I'll see if I can't read and review the next chapter, so keep an eye out for that. Thanks for writing this great story! :D



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Wed May 18, 2016 5:54 am
Redbox275 says...



Liked your story. Sorry can't review. It was well written!




Zolen says...


Happy you liked it. I can understand being busy, so don't worry.



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Wed May 18, 2016 5:01 am
Lightsong says...



Remind me to review this later. c:




Zolen says...


remind given, with sparkles.



Lightsong says...


>.> ... <.< I did say 'later'. :P I can't review it right now. xD



Zolen says...


twas doing that as a joke



Zolen says...


actual reminder now sent



Lightsong says...


I've finished half the review. Your story's long. =_='



Zolen says...


hahaha, sorry.




If a story is in you, it has to come out.
— William Faulkner