Perfectly Perfect
In everyway
And in your heart
thats how she'll stay
and to her
how can I compare
to the perfect smile
to her perfect hair.
you'll always love her
she'll always win
Not me
the girl that let you in
I'm sorry I'm not her
I'm not the perfect one
I'm sorry I fell for you
I sure was dumb
to ever think
that you'd pick me
over perfect her
I guess this pain....
Is what i deserve
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello there, ZoeRenee, and welcome to YWS. I see you've already gotten busy with the reviewing, and that's great. :D
Now, onto the review.
Your lines struck me as very short. Too short. Rather than split the rhymes into an ABCB pattern, it would make more sense to format them as rhyming couplets, and would also help improve the flow of your poem. For example, the first four lines would become:
The bold are corrections. Speaking of which, your capitalization and punctuation were pretty inconsistent. Coupled with the spelling mistakes, and this poem does not give a good impression of your writing skills. In general, poetry follows the same conventions of capitalization and punctuation as regular writing, meaning that you should be able to take your poem and reformat it as prose with it still making sense. If you can't, it's a sign you need to fix something.
Another thing I noticed was how vague this poem was. There's nothing unique about it, and it could have been written by anyone. One of the greatest strengths of poetry is how it can allow a poet to express themselves in a way wholly unique to them. This poem is missing that unique expression.
A good way of adding uniqueness to your poem is to add unique imagery. One way to come up with unique imagery is to look at two unlike things and find similarities between them that make perfect sense to you, then write so that other people can see those similarities too. As with all things, practice is the best way to develop unique imageries, and I encourage you to practice.
Good luck.
Hey,
I really enjoyed this poem. You seem to have an awesome grasp on rhythming! But, there are two things that I would like to point out:
This line seems to disrupt the flow of the poem. Maybe try changing it up with I sure was so dumb, or something like that.
And, I am sure this is just a typo, but make sure to always capitalize your I.
If you have any questions, or need another review, please write on my wall of PM me,
Have an awesome day,
Tiffany