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18+ Language Violence

Them Blues

by Zizi16


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.

I've got blues

Them ole crazy blues

Them ole crazy blues won't leave me alone

I've sat here and I've cried

I've sat here and I've moaned

If it wasn't for my man I wouldn't have these blues

He up and left me for that prostitute down the side of the road

I'll show him

I'll show him when I jump out this window and my body is beaten and my bones are broken and my blood is spilling down Renaissance Avenue.


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Thu Dec 29, 2016 5:43 pm
JosephGeorge wrote a review...



Hey Zizi16, here for a Review Day review,

Positives:A strong voice and a definite direction for this poem. You know where you wanted to go with it for sure.

It's also rather realistic, which is kind of scary and makes me really depressed that people like this exist, and it's happened before on many occasions.

Negatives:

I've got blues

Them ole crazy blues

Them ole crazy blues won't leave me alone

I've sat here and I've cried

I've sat here and I've moaned


I have to agree with Casanova below on the whole repetition thing. Sometimes, if you're really good at it, you can make it work, but you have to really power down on the other lines because what you do when you repeat is you take a few steps backwards. You take up precious space and time, and fill it with nothing, which means I'm now going down on the escalator because I've stopped walking.

In order to make it work, you really have to build from one sentence to the next, which either means cutting some of the repeats and focusing on solid content, or creating some more power and depth into the surrounding lines.

I'll show him when I jump out this window and my body is beaten and my bones are broken and my blood is spilling down Renaissance Avenue.


While this part is written just like the rest of the poem, it's formatted really awkwardly in this one long sentence, which isn't befitting of a poem, especially the one you've got here. It could be simply changed by rearranging it to fit the previous styles, or you could rewrite the whole section into something a little more manageable.

I give it:
ImageImageImage


Joseph Henry George




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Tue Dec 13, 2016 3:24 pm
Zizi16 says...



I feel as if people need to read it in a more lyrical way. It's based more on a blues song from the Harlem Renaissance. Understand that and compare it to this poem. Now I do agree that this poem needs much editing and I appreciate that very much for those who gave fair and kind criticism to my work. I'd really like if you searched up blues and the Harlem Renaissance poet Langston Hughes and see where I got my sort of idea in place for this poem. Many of his poems have repetition and it goes well. I do not feel if I need more lines to add to add emotion or imagery as there's already enough with this poem despite not having much lines. Those who truly feel as if they've had this feeling such stark and deeply and knows the mood of the Harlem Renaissance they will truly understand why it is indeed sincere if you look more into it. Listen to Blues before truly giving this insincere outlook. But yes edits are in the works and I truly am grateful for the critics.

My own review,
Zionna




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Sat Dec 03, 2016 12:23 pm
Casanova wrote a review...



Heya, ZiZi! Casanova here to do a review for you!

Anyway, I'll be breaking this up into sections, so I hope you don't mind. I'll do an overall review afterwards, so bear with me.

I've got blues

Them ole crazy blues

Them ole crazy blues won't leave me alone

I've sat here and I've cried

I've sat here and I've moaned


Anyway, the first thing I noticed about these lines were the repetition. Sometimes in poetry we get the idea,"Hey, maybe this would work in a couple of spots," and it just lies flat there. I would suggest cutting the repetitive spots and just continuing on with it, as if you were telling a story. I think that that would really help it here, in any case. Like.."I've got the ole crazy blues that won't leave me alone/I've say here and I've cried and I've moaned." I think something like that would really help it. The other thing I noticed here was that these lines are really lacking in depth and direction, and I think you could add a bit more to them than just you have the blues. There's nothing really coming out of just stating you have the blues besides,"Hey, they have the blues. Whatevs." If you get my point here.

If it wasn't for my man I wouldn't have these blues

He up and left me for that prostitute down the side of the road

I'll show him

I'll show him when I jump out this window and my body is beaten and my bones are broken and my blood is spilling down Renaissance Avenue.


These lines seem a bit wordy, as there's a bucket full of information here in so few lines. I would suggest cutting the part where it says the Renaissance Avenue, as that doesn't really add anything to the lines, and I feel like you could take it out. The next thing that I noticed about these lines were that you were trying to tell a story with them. Now, in poetry a narrative poem can be a hit or miss. I think you run that risk and loss, as there's barely any depth or direction to this poem. I could see this being in a set of lyrics on a pop station, but as for poetry I think that it feels rather lacking. Especially switching from a long line like,"He up and left me for that prostitute down the side of the road," To,"I'll show him." Which is also repeated in the line after it. I would say scrap the line that repeats as well. I think that might help your case. The last thing I didn't like about these lines was the tone of absolute apathy. It seems like you're going to show him who's boss, but you're doing so while not really caring.. Basically what I mean by this is that I don't get any sense of emotion here, and that was a rather down put because I know the blues is a soulful style(and I mean it's packed full of emotion and culture) and I felt like this didn't live up to that claim.

Anyway, overall I think you have an idea that could go places if you tweaked your style, the rhythm, the repetitive places, and your lack of emotion. Take this idea and pour your heart out into it, shine your emotion through imagery, and let your imagery tell the story. I think that would really help your poem here, and I think the idea and style you have really deserve the effort.

Anyway, that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped.

Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.

Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron




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Fri Dec 02, 2016 9:52 pm
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Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Kaos here for a review.

I had a hard time collecting thoughts on this poem. It seems hastily written and angry, but not angry in the way of being powerful, just angry. I had a hard time taking this poem seriously or finding the sincerity here, which is one of my main problems with the poem. The whole "blues" thing and mostly just how it was worded made it feel insincere, and I didn't really know if you intended it to be that way or not. The tone or voice in this poem is strong, but in the way of what I've mentioned so far. See, the end of the poem contrasts the start and middle because it's more strongly put than the rest of it.

There isn't really much imagery in this poem which is something that I suggest adding so you can make more of an atmosphere. You could describe what the speaker is doing at the time, perhaps in their room or somewhere else. The poem is wrapped up in itself and this usually blocks the passageway for imagery because there isn't really a scene or image to set up. Instead of bluntly telling the reader everything, show the reader through imagery and figurative language. Metaphors and similes do well at defining emotion, so I suggest that.

Another thing that I suggest is adding punctuation to the poem as it would help the flow. Of course, you don't have to, but it would benefit and work out the kinks in the flow that you have in this poem. Rewording would also be beneficial because some of the lines are worded awkwardly. The contrast between the start and end of the poem is weird to me and I think that that's also something to try and focus on.

I hope I helped and have a great day!




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Fri Dec 02, 2016 8:54 pm
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nadair says...



Hi, Zizi16! I did really enjoy this poem. I like the concept. If I had to really leave any "criticism," I personally probably would have used some type of punctuation in places, but that's a completely stylistic choice. I do feel like the last sentence is a little bulky considering the rest of the poem.

As I said, I really enjoyed reading this poem. Keep up the good work :)

Nick.




Zizi16 says...


Thank you so much for what I felt was great criticism




Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new.
— Henry David Thoreau