You've been running from the world young grasshopper but when will you stop ?
Do you seek wisdom and vengeance from your experience?
You don't gotta run anymore.
For the world's spotlight ain't blocking you.
Young grasshopper you can walk freely with determination in your pace. So young grasshopper don't give the world even a look back least you wanna turn into stone.
You'll move on to brighter and higher things.
Don't give up your inner self and peace by looking back.
Look among universes hidden
And you'll be with peace and be unfragile to the ways of the world.
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140,226 Literary Works • 673,047 Reviews
Hello all, this is the author herself Zizi. I realize I have a lot of grammar mistakes. A lot of this grammar like "ain't" and "gonna" comes from the environment and word usage in my family. Because I'm so used to it I've never really gone and looked at how that might be, well, grammarly incorrect.
I'm not too good with commas and things like that with @ChocolateCello pointing out some flaws. I'm glad she told me and gave me the constructive critique and criticism that I needed. I will be making the appropriate corrections with some help, but please even with my horrible grammar I would hope that you all enjoy the poem.
Thank you.
Hello all, this is the author herself Zizi. I realize I have a lot of grammar mistakes. A lot of this grammar like "ain't" and "gonna" comes from the environment and word usage in my family. Because I'm so used to it I've never really gone and looked at how that might be, well, grammarly incorrect. I'm not too good with commas and things like that with @ChocolateCello pointing out some flaws. I'm glad she told me and gave me the constructive critique and criticism that I needed. I will be making the appropriate corrections with some help, but please even with my horrible grammar I would hope that you all enjoy the poem. Thank you.
Oh and let's not forget @Shakthi for her great use of constructive criticisms.
Hi Shakthi is here to review your work..!
First of all, this is a nicely written work. I really enjoyed your nicely presented words.
On coming to the negative part, (every work has its own pluses and minuses....)
I suggest you to use the punctuations appropriate place, to make your work look even better. For example, you could've used a comma after 'And' in the last line. I know you have your own way of writing which isn't so formal. Trust me, i also rule out grammar when it comes to my poems mostly. But, you can still cope up with formals along with your style when you gotta publish it for all.
Besides this, your work is well written.
And also, i cant help relating your work to human life. Yes, this is actually a great advice for everyone. We tend run along with our own fears, which are actually virtual most of the times.
"Don't give up your your inner self and peace by looking back" --- a nice inspirational reminder for me.
That's it..! This is a very nice piece of work as a whole.
Oh, this is my first review for your first work.
Keep up your good work.
Happy writing friend..!
Thank you all for constructive critiques and criticisms. I'm glad that you've enjoyed it. Very nice review and your criticism is very needed. Once again thank you.
'Ello, it's Cello, here to review!
Let me start by saying that the thing I noticed most was your lack of commas. There were so many places that commas were needed but simply not present.
Now, you may be one of those people who thinks 'this is poetry, I can break all the rules of punctuation!' Well, that's not true. While some forms of poetry allow you to break certain punctuation rules, not all poetry gives you a 'get out of punctuation free' card. In this poem, with the style you've chosen, you need commas.
For this particular situation, I feel that two major comma rules must be reviewed.
1- Use commas to separate an opening phrase from the rest of a sentence.
"So, I thought we could go for a walk. Additionally, I thought a visit to the zoo would be nice."
2- Put commas around the name of the person addressed in your sentence.
"Ben, can you pick up those papers? That man, Mr.Smith, just dropped them."
Now let's apply these rules.
See?
I'll leave it to you to apply these rules elsewhere in your poem, as I'm sure you're capable. If you feel unsure about it, or need more guidance, feel free to contact me. I'm happy to further explain if needed.
I'd also like to take a moment to talk about your use of words like 'wanna' and 'gotta'.
This poem has a very relaxed, yet formal tone in the beginning and in many other areas. When you use words like 'wanna' and 'gotta', you loose the formality. It sounds strange and it distracts from the message you're trying to get across. The same thing happens when you use the word 'ain't'. Simple words like this can change a readers entire view on the speaker. I started reading this imagining some old, soft spoken, wise, Mr.Miyagi type character. When you spoke with words like 'ain't' or 'gonna', I imagined more of a 'Mama Odie' persona. Both are fine character types but although they have their similarities, they're both very different. Try to keep consistent with the speaking patterns you use. Little details are the most important, especially in poetry.
Keep up the great work! (Also, I just noticed that you're new. Welcome to the site!)
-ChocolateCello
Thank you for your feedback. It's always nice to hear some constructive criticisms. I admit I am a bit new to writing and I have not always like writing. This is just something I write down and don't always pay attention the details because I'm so wraped up. I do admit I'm not good with commas and the like. Things like "ain't" and "gonna" are because well because of my environment I tend to use the less grammarly forms of those words. I thank you for your feedback and will try to work on these things when they come up. Thank you
You're more than welcome!
Wow... nice piece of work
Thank you %uD83D%uDC4D%uD83D%uDE0A%uD83D%uDE01
is this any kind of code ? ;-D
Those were supposed to be emojis XD
The message of this poem is profound. It's telling the "young grasshopper" to find peace in the world and stop running.
The grammar from some of the lines are incorrect. I don't know if you meant for it to be that way.
"You don't gotta run anymore" is better as you don't have to run anymore
"For the world's spotlight ain't blocking you" is better as: For the world's spotlight isn't blocking you.
Overall, nice job!
The message of this poem is profound. It's telling the "young grasshopper" to find peace in the world and stop running.
The grammar from some of the lines are incorrect. I don't know if you meant for it to be that way.
"You don't gotta run anymore" is better as you don't have to run anymore
"For the world's spotlight ain't blocking you" is better as: For the world's spotlight isn't blocking you.
Overall, nice job!
It was meant for writing purposes. That's just how I write my poems. If it isn't so formal people can relate better. Thank you for the comment tho really %uD83D%uDE0A. First poem and I get a comment. Thank you %uD83D%uDE0A