Published May 17, 2005
This is a misrable translated version of one of my poems that was recently published in a book in macedonia. The original is in macedonian, so it does sound kinda dumb. Also I changed a thing or two.
I went to bed that night
thinking I would dream of you again.
With a smile on my face I closed my eyes
and waited for the Dream Weaver to visit my mind.
After some time I felt a presence inside my head.
Something alien, something dark.
From the depths of my dark corners
something shrieked and lunged towards me.
Just before it desecrated my soul I saw YOUR face.
I tried to scream, but it was too late.
I knew I had to listen to the Soothsayer when she said
that this love is not natural.
Silent tears of rage rolled down my cheeks as I lay
in the bed, in a grotesuqe figure.
I managed to open my eyes and I saw your figure
dressed in black with a devilish grin streched ear-to-ear.
I opened my mouth to curse you but blood ran down my neck and clothes.
I looked down. A dagger of green crystal was stabbed in my heart.
And you just stood there, laughing silently widening your eyes
watching in wonder as I drowned in my own blood.
"Why?" I thought to myself. Images of happines and gardens
danced inside my head, splashed with a haze of crimson red.
Then I realised I loved not a woman, but a demon. You leaned forward
and wispered "I shall meet you again."
I lay there helpless drenching in my own blood, paralised and broken
like a fly caught on the web of a spider. I looked at her.
"Go on finish me off." I managed to murmur through the red basin.
"No." she shook her head. There is a price to be paid for love.
Esspecially when you love a woman. She turned around
and her dark figure glided accross the room and out through the window.
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141,293 Literary Works • 674,334 Reviews
For a fifth poem, this was great. My fifth poem was a lot worse...I think it was called a Girl Dies in Boston? Go back to like the first page of Dramatic poetry and you'll see that it is nothing to be proud of...
this was coool, yet creepy, i liked it..
I agree with Chevy. Good conceptually, and you have some really great lines and manage to create a pretty tense feel, even with some minor errors.
That's sweet... kind of a "we'll meet in dreams" sort of thing, but said much better.
I liked this...it was creepy, and the 'shrieking and lunging' is very vivid. Gave me shivers.
The end, however, was slightly cliche in all the dialogue:
"Go on, finish me off," just doesn't fit with the serious, eloquent tone you've set. Either cut the speaking or replace it with something more poignant.
Kind of weak. I like the "There is a price....when you love a woman." but the ending sentence should have more of a BAM effect (kind of like that brick we discussed earlier
Overall, I liked this. Good job, Arvy.
I think this is more of a narrative poem. The format was a little weird and some of the lines were choppy. It was okay, besides that.
Thanks Chevy I'll see what I can do. Im a total noob at poems, infact this is my 5th I think ever written.
You had a great concept, but it didn't seem to flow very well. There were a few lines that caught my attention such as:
"Why?" I thought to myself. Images of happines and gardens
danced inside my head, splashed with a haze of crimson red.
However, some of it made it the same cliche tale that's been told a thousand times for instance:
Just before it desecrated my soul I saw YOUR face.
I tried to scream, but it was too late.
The poem in general was a little wordy, and redundant in some places. However, you weak points don't exceed the stronger parts, so I think that if you try to minimize it a little, it will an exceptional piece of work.