The Inevitable

Welcome YWS! Because you asked so nicely I decided to stop by and leave a little review for you (well, that and reviewing is basically why I'm on this site at all).
The number one thing I want to address is the rhyming. I'm sure you are well aware of this, but you are under no obligation whatsoever to make your poems rhyme. Forcing a rhyme scheme can take away from the message you are trying to deliver by making the language, feeling, and flow clunky and jumbled. I'm not saying that happened here, but I'm not saying it didn't either.
Another thing to think about is "what am I trying to say?" What message are you trying to get across. I'm not literally asking, I am aware that this poem is about death as an event, I'm trying to get YOUR brain working. There are so many tiny details that can change everything in a poem, you need to be aware of all of them. Is your purpose to be somber and gloomy or optimistic and joyous? Who is telling the story? Who's the audience? Tools you can use like tone, mood, tense, rhyme, structure, punctuation, flow -- the list goes on and on -- have an enormous effect on how the poem affects us the readers.
I personally feel like this poem tried to approach a subject that is darker and more somber in a manner that diminished it's seriousness; that things like rhyme and unnecessary words got in the way of what could be a cool idea.
I am not going to nit-pick all through and say that "this comma should be here" or "you need to eliminate this word" but I will say that you need to do two things if you want to make this poem better: A) Edit the snot out of this one, and B) Write a whole new draft. You'd be surprised what you can come up with in the second draft if you are considering what I suggested to you earlier: Who are you addressing, what is the subject, and how do you want it portrayed? Keep in mind the effects that the tiniest details can have. Saying "We will all face" instead of "We all face" is a huge difference in poetry, where everything has a double meaning and flow is more important than grammar.
If you have any questions, please let me know. I'd love to help, and I want you to know that while I may sound rather critical in this review (usually I'm not) I genuinely think this poem has potential, as do you.
~Q

hey there ,

I'm not really good at this reviewing stuff (what with me being a new member anyway) your poem is really good... i like that you can put your feelings about the INEVITABLE in words personally- i have never been able to write about stuffs like this...but anyway...
There are some grammatical mistakes in your poem...look here

"We will all face the inevitable,
When we try to stop it we are unable."

in the second sentence you have used present tense and in the rest of the poem you have used future tense. it does not sound good that way...please mend it and try to make it in one particular tense.

Just that one thing looked awkward to me otherwise i just loved your poem....