Young Writers Society

Hello Zenith!

I am personally a big fan of metaphors. And it was so nice to read a poem laced with it. I enjoyed the whole experience of reading it. So here is my interpretation of the overall poem, and then we'll discuss review :

I believe the poem is about a child, whose parents abandoned him [although 'child' is neutral-gender, you refer to it as 'him', no problem it's your poetic liberty]. The parents made 'promises' which were left unattended. The poem describes that people usually make a shedload of promises and keep making new ones like waves arriving on a shore for eternity. A couple [or polyamorous relationship] did the same with the child, didn't keep up with those promises, and broke his castle, symbol of his hope. Then they came back again years later, remembering and honoring those old promises.

Correct me in the comment, if my interpretation is wrong.

Wonderful imagination, no doubt. Here is my review of your poem:

There is a grammatical tension throughout the poem regarding the subject-predicate conflict. For eg

The water ravages sand castles
And caresses the small hands,
Like the fingers that have held him;

If I go by grammar rules, it seems 'him' referred to 'water' [attempt of personification, may be], but I personally felt it is referring to the 'child'. If it is referring to the child, it's really hard to conclude because neither the child ['him'] appears before this line nor it is the subject or object of the sentence.

Years later, they return again.
And strangely, so do the folks

Who returns again [other than folks]? And if it's waves, weren't they already crashing onto shores for long?

Waves crash into the shore
One after another- for all eternity,
Just like a myriad of people
Bringing quiet promises along.

My favorite part of the poem. It's beautiful and simple.

The water ravages sand castles
And caresses the small hands,

Beautiful imagery here.

Overall, I love the intuition behind the poem. Very creative of you to come up with it. Pace and flow are serene all through the poem. The structure makes it very readable.

Keep writing and Welcome to YWS!

I love this poem and I especially love how clear it is and how smoothly it flows. You do a really good job of not straying from the main idea of broken promises -- specifically, in the last stanza, I like these lines:

"Perhaps they remembered now, / Certain promises were made / Ages ago, to a pair of small hands / That embraced them with open arms."

These lines read very strongly -- it's almost as though there's an underlying feeling of betrayal on behalf of the narrator.

From a structural standpoint, I like that you broke it up into two stanzas that carry their own ideas/main themes; this makes it easier to read. I also like that you opted to use punctuation to maintain a clear sense of rhythm for your readers.

I personally am a fan of the straightforward vocabulary because it conveys the message clearly and doesn't leave too much up to interpretation. Rather than leaving too much to be deconstructed or analyzed, you have a clear theme that is executed very well.

Good job and keep writing!!

Hi there,

I like the poem and the ideas it convey.

Waves crashing into the shore
One after another for all of eternity,
Just like a myriad of people
Bringing quiet promises along.

It's a nice analogy. The waves representing all the people that we meet/crash into over the years.

The water ravaging sand castles
And caressing the small hands.

My personal interpretation here is that these couple lines are an analogy for how some people damage us, but we go on because they also happen to love us, or so we think. We shift our focus to the warmth they render, while the sand castle (could it signify trust?) crumbles in the background.

Watching the waves leave slowly,
Waiting for them in silent hope.

I like these lines in particular. We just knowthat the waves will return to the beach sooner than later. It's a strong belief (as it's based on precedent and facts). That's exactly how strongly we believe, sometimes, that those forgotten promises haven't really been forgotten. We know it in our heart that if we wait just a moment longer, we'll see their silhouettes pop up on the horizon. It seems obvious, when, in reality, it couldn't be further from the truth.

Once we get a feel of how this particular analogy works in the first part, the second part sounds strangely clear and, frankly, literal. It's a cool effect. I think it just means that the analogies work really well.

I enjoyed reading it. It wasn't anything too abstract. Written in fairly straightforward language. Yet it was so full of meaning. I like it when a poem does that.

Aaaaaand that's the review. Keep on writing.

Excelsior!

~MAS

Hi!
What I like:
I like the whole metaphorical structure, and how that makes it easier to relate with the poem, and also adds 'power' to it. I find metaphor to be the greatest tool in creative writing (metaphors are how we communicate all the time, if you think about it), and you have used it well here. I loved the part that talks about the 'empty seashore' and a pair of 'small hands' that have now perished.
Now let's get to things I think can be improved:
1. One thing I have often noticed is that words written in the continuous present tense like 'crashing' often harm the assertiveness of the poem. If one reads a poem and it begins with more 'assertive' words(or words that have an assertive connotation), they are better grappled by it, compared to a poem that does not use assertive words. In this case, the word 'crash' is more assertive than 'crashing'. You have used the continuous tense in several places, and I would suggest that you at least try to replace them with more assertive words.
2. If you notice in the second line, the word 'just' is superficial and should be removed. Not only does that improve the clarity of the poem, but it also gives it a better flow. So try to cut down lines wherever you can.
Keeping the last two points in mind, here is how I would edit the first four lines;
"Waves crash into the shore
One after another- for all eternity,
Like a myriad of people
That brings quiet promises along."
3. The third this I want to discuss is line break and punctuation.
The fourth line begins in a very unnatural way and ruins the flow. I think your use of 'ravaging' is to blame there. I think using a more 'assertive' word would mend that. The second stanza starts with perfect line breaks, but I think you should break the stanza at the end of the 9th line and separate the last 3 lines into a different stanza. I suggest adding the word 'with' before 'No sand Castles'.
I have nothing more to say. I hope you find this helpful.
Have a great day/night!