Click, click went all the cameras all around the crime scene, reporters trying to be kept away, cameras trying to be shut off. But, it made sense, attracting so much attention; it was, after all, the death of a politician.
“Detective Elroy.”
“Yes?”
“Hello sir, I’m Richard Owens. I was assigned to your team by Chief Marquez, sir.”
“Ahh….yes…Owens, I remember Chief saying something about that. Any reason why you are disturbing my morning coffee and newspaper?”
“Sir…. Do you know that Cortez guy? Just retired from the force.”
“Yeah, David, right, yeah, I voted for him, so glad he won, what about him?”
“Sir, he was just found dead in his house, downtown.”
“What!”
“Detective Elroy.”
“Yes, Owens.”
“Sir, this has us baffled, this crime scene has, no prints, no trails, the guys have never seen anything like it ever before.”
“Clues? Car trails? Dust? Anything???”
“No sir, as I said, nothing here sir, absolutely nothing..”
“where is the body?”
“Sir, in the main bedroom sir”
“have the boys at forensics check it out.”
“Yes sir, They’re on their way…. I’ve….”
“Not with that traffic they’re not.” Said a booming voice next to them. It caught them by surprise.
“Chief Marquez, with all those reporters, how'd you get here so fast?”
“I was here before any of you were.”
“Well, then you have a faster response rate than most of the San Diego Department.”
“No time for jokes now Ricky, the death of a man is no joke.”
“I’m sorry sir, just trying to light up the mood.”
“No need Owens.”
I could see a tear in Elsroy’s eye.
“Sorry sir, I just…. I knew David, a good man.”
“ I’m sorry Elroy.”
Saying that the chief walked away.
Now only me and Elsroy were left,
“Sir, with all due respect, I don’t think that we are qualified for this, we should call that consulting detective, sir, that guy down next to that Thai place, that….James..yeah...Anthony James.’’
“No.”
“Sir, you and I both know, we can’t do anything. With his experience…”
“Owens, I said under no circumstances are we to ever call him, ever, especially not him.”
“Tony, the mail’s here.”
“Yeah... Thanks, Karen, bring it in here.”
“You’re late today, Tony, that’s the third time this way.”
“Yeah, traffic was bad today, there was some kind of traffic downtown, must be another one of those concerts, I swear, they never end.”
“I’m not sure.”
“So, any calls? Any cases?”
“No, Tony, at least not yet.”
“Yeah..maybe we’ll have some luck with the mail.:”
“I hope so... Tony, you can barely afford to pay me... “
“I know Karen, but I can’t kill people myself.”
“Thank You, Karen, put it on my table.”
“Yeah, here it is.”
The chair creaked as he was sitting down, the sign of the cheap price. Karen’s heels produced a certain irritating noise as she walked anywhere. He put his feet up on the table, filled with old photos of him and his partner.
“Overdue…Overdue….Last notice…wait…some luck…..”
“Tony, what is it?”
“Junk mail.”
“Tony, we need cases.”
“As you’ve mentioned.”
“Tony…do something.”
“But, I can’t kill people now can I?”
“I know, Tony, but.”
And suddenly, the phone rang.
“Speak of the devil.”
“don’t be too hasty, we don’t need them thinking we’re desperate for cases.”
“So, we don’t need them to know the truth.”
“You’re too obsessive over a single thing Karen.”
“Yes.. hello... Anthony James’ Office, This is Karen.’
Tony looked over in excitement.
“NO..No.. we don’t need raffle tickets.”
“Another dead end.”
“Oh, No… Third junk call this week.”
Again, the excitement levels raised.
“Hello…Anthony James’ office… This is Karen… Yes.. he is available... I will just connect him to you……Tony, line two…. It’s a client.”
Silently, Tony basked in secret celebration. It was after all the answers to all of their bills, rents.
At least, that’s all he told me.
“Go for Tony..”
“Hello, Tony boy.”
“Get out of town… If it isn’t James Elroy himself.”
“Tony, shut up and let me talk.”
“How are you man, how’s your ma’”
“Tony, shut up and listen.”
“Alright man, I’m sorry.”
“Look outside your window.”
“Yeah... I’m seeing all these cars.”
“Tony, there’s a case, downtown…. And honestly, we’re stuck like bad, and.. uhh… sigh… as much as I don’t want to say this…We… uhh.. here down at the precinct, we… uhh.. we would… would greatly appreciate your.. help,…assistance on this case ….as it is quite complex.”
“just say that you need me.”
“Yeah, No kidding.”
“ooooohhh that desperate.. are you?”
“Tony shut up.”
“Awww, your disappointment of a squad already give up.”
“This coming from a fired police officer, begging for cases.”
“How’s the eye, Jamie boy?”
“just be there.”
‘Always works.”
He shut down the phone and threw his hands up in celebration.
“Karen, we have a case.”
“About time.”
“Dang right.”
“He only said downtown. Didn’t say where didn’t even say who? Karen... Karen …. Stop watching the T.V I’m talking to you… ”
“Tony, shut up, I think I found your case.”
The TV screen clearly said in bold letters, “LOCAL SAN DIEGO POLITICIAN, DAVID CORTEZ, MURDERED IN HOUSE, DOWNTOWN.”
“Karen, turn it up.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
“Local decorated, ex-policeman, David Cortez, who just took his turn at politics, has been found murdered at his house, downtown San Diego. Police have arrived on the scene after reports of screaming at his house by his neighbor, whom we have identified as a local pastry chef, Milika Peters. David Cortez, son of a famous politician, Ernesto Cortez, was 53 years old, with a son named John, and his late daughter, Tristina. Officials say that an expert consulting detective has been called on the scene, who has not yet been identified. We will inform you of further updates as soon as they are available.”
“Tony, I didn’t know he was a policeman.”
“Yeah, I worked with him on quite some cases. Me, him, Jamie, then he became a hero after he arrested that M…..”
“Yeah, I think you should hurry up, the traffic’s just going to get worse.”
“Right, right, yeah, so bye then… Call me if there are any other calls.”
“Yeah sure.”
“Owens, get these reporters out of the scene, we don’t need all that attention now, we’re screwed enough already as it is.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Sir, there’s a man here, James sir, he says that you called him here, says that he's a consulting detective or something.”
“Yeah, call him in. Thank you, Hartland.”
That’s when I first saw Tony, a black shirt, a beige jacket, plain jeans, and some old designer shoes. He was walking quite briskly, with a surprising smile on his face. He passes right by me, didn’t say anything.
“Hey chief, How are you?”
“Tony... I’m fine, thanks very much.”
Elroy was walking towards us but seeing Tony he tried to walk away unnoticed.
“Jamie, I see you, don’t try and run away.”
“Hey Tony, I didn’t see you. When’d you get here?”:
“Did I mention you’re a terrible actor?”
“Tony, this is no time for jokes….HOW CAN YOU BE SMILING AT A TIME LIKE THIS, A MAN IS DEAD????”
“As I’m told over and over.
Sorry, chief, this is my first case in months. I’m just excited.”
“The crime scene’s a mess. So much blood, so many things scattered around the scene, it's unreal.”
“Has there been an autopsy yet?”
“No. But forensics is on its way.”
“Not with that traffic it isn’t.”
“First on the crime scene?”
“Chief. Even before me..”
“Doesn’t he have anything more important to do?”
“Apparently not.”
“So, the body?”
“His living room, two cuts on the throat, finger chopped off.”
“Okay, I’ll get right on it…but… I don’t work for free.”
“Of course you don’t.”
“Here’s the first day’s.”
He handed him five $100 bills, which he quickly took and put in his pocket.
“meals and gas included.”
“Of course, they are.”
“Alright then, I’ll see you later, then.”
He took a step towards the front door, where Hartland and another officer were on duty. Chief stopped him
“If you think that you’re gonna do such a big case like this freelance, without anyone of our own, you’re wrong.”
“Thanks, chief but I don’t do partners, ever since.. since Will.”
“I’m not asking you. I’m telling you….. Owens, you’re with him.
Good luck.”
“No chief, you know I HATE partners.”
“Yes, yes I do.”
Saying that he walked away, putting a smirk on his and Elsroy’s face.
I hadn’t been formally introduced, so I just introduced myself.
“Hello sir, my name is Richard Owens, but you can call me Ricky, and I’m very excited to work with you and I’m sure that……”
Mind your business and I’ll mind mine and we’ll get along, okay? So Shutt Up”
That caught me off guard.
“
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
I love the dialogue in this story so much!! The way Elroy and Tony interact had me super into the story from the very beginning. I think that you have a really good foundation for setting up characters that are both interesting and humorous, which is a winning combination in the world of literature in my opinion.
I just wanted to point out that in a couple of places, you add an extra S to Elroy's name; I wasn't sure if this was just a typo or if his name was actually supposed to include an S, so I figured I'd point it out just in case you went back and revised this particular piece.
The actual plotline of the story was comical, yet dramatic enough with the idea of a man's murder. I like that you were able to create a balance; the comic relief that the character provided throughout their dialogue is what made this story all the more interesting to read.
I think the story is just missing a bit in terms of action; maybe now and then we could get some sort of verb thrown in between the conversation. An example would be maybe having one of the men roll his eyes, while the other fidgets nervously; while dialogue is great and enjoyable when it takes place between such interesting characters, it can get dry pretty quickly if there isn't any action or movement to accompany it.
There are a few grammar and spelling mistakes throughout the story (one of which being the extra S that I mentioned above) so just be on the lookout for those and maybe proofread ahead of time! One of the more notable examples is towards the end:
For some reason, all the first letters of these words are capitalized, and there's no punctuation and a spelling mistake but it's just one of those errors that can be solved by proofreading in the future.
All in all this was a great story and I'm very excited to see more interaction between Tony and Elroy.
Write on!!
AHH I love the humor behind this!! Your characters have such awesome chemistry, I can tell, and this Anthony James character has NO FEAR when it comes to teasing the police department. He clearly knows how to get on Elroy's nerves! I just love that playful part of his personality. It really helped him stand out from the rest!
In fact, Tony and Elroy's chemistry was just ultimately the best so far. It would be hilarious to see them work together. It wasn't until MUCH later that we realize this is actually in Owens' perspective, and we didn't really get as much introduction with him. We DO get a sense of his urgency for this case, and I like that Elroy was able to defuse his anxiety as an experienced cop, going through solutions to proceed with the case.
I was a little confused as to the "desperation for cases" idea as I thought they were looking at a case already. Though now that I think about it, that might've been during the transition to Anthony James' office, and I dont' think that was made very clear. I was kind of lost in that transition, unfortunately. So I guess that makes sense though, now that I've placed where that was mentioned. XD
I do think some dialogue tags might be beneficial here and more description. Either that or I'd consider writing a script since I can tell this is being driven a lot by dialogue. Scripts DO still require some description for set-up and key actions through the story, but you might be surprised how easier it might be for you to write. Otherwise, as a written novel, I'd definitely flesh this out a bit and consider showing us the story through narration so that the dialogue is supported with a reliable picture and portrays more entertaining storytelling with less confusion.
Anthony James' attitude towards Owens was such a shock at the end there! After his humor earlier with the police on the phone, I really hope he learns to loosen up a bit with Owens! I look forward to seeing this partnership develop over time.
Keep writing!!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Hello! Lady Mysterio here, with the first review I guess.
I love detective, Sherlock Holmes, type stories.
I was going to review this a while ago but couldn't find the story again.
Now the first thing I noticed is you have a lot of dialogue. but it can be a bit to follow along with. Mostly because you don't have a lot description at all of how the characters sound, their facial expressions or of their body language, such as how they sit or walk (except for that one girl with heels). I would suggest adding a bit more description here there instead of just mostly dialogue.
I also got really confused when it switches to Tony's office. I didn't know what was going on. so maybe add something to show that the scene has changed.
One thing I liked about this story, is why detective doesn't like partners, you don't say it straight out, but there is some sort of background here with willy. it's nice as it gives the story a bit of depth. You don't have the detective just hating having partners for that reason only. There is an emotion attached.
The ending was also great, a good cliff hanger.
Lady Mysterio
Saw the words detective and mystery and death, and clicked on this faster than Petro Maximoff.
Can't wait for the next part!