Young Writers Society

Hey there Zephy! Tis WD, here as requested to review your piece. ^_^ Because a lot of my comments are sentence-level and you requested this review, I'll take this paragraph by paragraph and sum up things at the end, kay?

So, let's start at the beginning.

Have you ever woken up to the feeling that your day was absolutely going to suck? As the alarm struck six a.m. I felt an immense pounding in my head - my own internal clock was ticking away in my brain like a time bomb ready to explode.

Mmm, I very much like the part about the internal clock--I could really feel that time bomb. Very good way of drawing the reader in. The weakest part of this paragraph is the first line. Generally, I am not a fan of asking questions of the readers in second person in the first line, but it can be done well. Personally, I would omit it, but if you want to keep this, make it less wordy. More concise and pointed. Shoot it at the reader before they know you just addressed them and keep going.

The countdown was on.

I have a weakness for great sentences that get their own paragraphs. Nice!

While my first day back at Minden Academy was not at all the celebration that my siblings #FF0000 ">were making (tense shift. 'were making' is progressive and suggests that during his first day, his siblings were making it out to be a celebration. Don't think that was intended and it sounds strange) it out to be, I was proud of myself for making a consorted effort to maintain a positive attitude. #000080 ">After all, being in subliminal hibernation over the past three years had felt like an everlasting eternity. The transition of moving back from (#FF0000 ">sounds awkward--make it clearer) the cleanest town in the world was just a little, well - strange, to say the least. Not so overjoyed with the pure air of the eco-friendly natural beauty of this world, we decided that we erratically #FF0000 ">(huh? word choice?)preferred the maze of noisy streets, pollution and what my Nona (and probably all Hippies from the 60’s and 70’s) refer to as, ‘the concrete graveyard’. Though #FF0000 ">(However?), this is coming from a woman who I am certain is the female version of Tommy Chong and George Clinton (the funk-master himself) and keeps a demented pet pig named Beethoven who my three brothers, my dad and I can swear is the spawn of the devil.

Great narrator voice. Your narrator has a very distinct way of seeing things and it's making great characterization. Just watch out for tense shift and awkwardness; read this aloud to yourself. Also, it can get slightly wordy at times. See the sentence in blue. 'Subliminal' and 'everlasting' are both very long adjectives; they're not necessarily bad but, in the same sentence, they sound like overkill.

You see, several years ago we moved away from this city to the purest town in the world, Maharishi Vedic City, Iowa. #FF0000 ">(the locations are getting a little jumbled; sit down and reread these parts and make it clearer where the narrator is, used to be etc.) As part of a deal contrived by my parents who happen to be complete opposites of each other – kind of like night and day. I really don’t know how they ended up together except it definitely must have been fate. They absolutely have nothing in common, but as cheesy as it may sound - they really do complete each other.

This is a massive detour from your earlier thought process. Not necessarily bad, but if you're going to go on a tangent about the narrator's parents, I hope there's a reason other than information dumping. Make this is a hot spot for your narrative voice; tell us something about narrator in relation to parents. You're getting there, but the detour must tell us something else about the narrator other than background. Also, did you mean for "as part of a deal contrived by my parents" to feel like an incomplete phrase? Right now it sounds like your narrator starts a new idea about the deal and then gets completely sidetracked by the parents. If the 'deal' refers to the moving, make it its own sentence and begin the parents rant in another sentence.

Mom is what I would call a modern-day Hippie. She is a yoga doing, Grateful Dead listening, organic vegan-eating ecomaniac. Her affinity to nature has always been a little more than overkill – I mean she even named all four of her kids after seasons of the year. Completely obsessed with body, mind and spirit, she is relentless at her attempts to ensure her family is not poisoned by what we put into our bodies. My dad, on the other hand, seems to think it’s all a bunch of BS. He is a true man’s man, an insatiable carnivore, and still insists on driving his gas guzzling Hummer just to get under my mother’s skin.

Good characterization. I think some understatement would be nice here. Right now you pack the disbelief in the line "she even named all four of her kids after seasons of the year", but it might be more humorous, if you took out the 'even' and 'I mean'. Read it aloud and decide what sounds best.

Over the past three years we have lived in total isolation away from normal everyday American life. A “normal” day of school for my brothers and I consisted of starting the morning off with meditation and ending the afternoon with more meditation. We lived in a green house with the greenest grass and had green cars. Quite frankly, the color green has become my least favorite color. We were supposed to have lived this peaceful existence for five years to, as my mother states, “cleanse our bodies and souls of harmful impurities to prolong our life expectancies.” However, as inflexible as my mother may be about her ideas of the perfect life, she also strongly believes in a democratic household. In other words, she was outvoted and we moved back two years early.

Hmmmm. again, I like your narrator voice, but I'm starting to feel overburdened with all of this information. You are introducing your character, but in such a way that is distancing me from your character. Narrator voice = good. Dumping all this information on a reader who doesn't know your character very well is very risky business, and it takes some serious narrator voice gymnastics and toiling to make it engaging. You can do it, but my interest is beginning to slip. Here's the problem with characters telling their life stories to begin a piece: the reader doesn't care. I know it's horrible, but the reader really doesn't care about your character until you make the character real, until the character gains depth and touches us enough that we are burning to know more. This is why most stories begin in an active setting where something is happening and you are drawn to the character by body language, dialogue etc. It is possible to do this with narrator voice, but it takes an extremely distinct narrator with some serious attention to sentence detail to pull it off. Robin Hobb pulled it off in her Assassin's Apprentice if you want an example, because her narrator is looking back, doesn't remember half of his past and sounds absolutely tortured in every word he says. So, be wary of information dumps. I will address this again at the end.

My Nona was not so easily convinced but had no choice in the move since her only source of income is a very small social security check she gets from the government she hates so much once a month. A true Hippie left over from the 60’s, I don’t think she has actually cut her hair since her days at Woodstock which she constantly makes references to. Definitely not your typical grandmother who bakes cookies,#FF0000 ">(new sentence) she practices voodoo in the attic dismissing the strange smells that smolder down from her sanctuary as simple herbal remedies.

Again, some good characterization. I would urge you to make your sentences don't wander too much though. Right now they're touching on a bunch of small issues, but you're placing no real emphasis on any detail. Go through this and decide what is important to the narrator. Emphasize that. Slow down the prose a little; focus in on that and then keep going. Sentences get wandering and lose interest when they don't take emphasis into consideration.

My older brother, Winter Storm (and yes, that is his name) couldn’t be happier to be moving back to this urban lifestyle. I on the other hand have mixed emotions, although I did vote to move back because I was bored out of my mind (everyone there was nuts #FF0000 ">(necessary?)). I am a little reluctant to return to a school that I feel is still stuck in the Stone Age. However, Storm, I’m sure is looking forward to all the boy crazy bimbos that are surely to swarm as he reenters the cave.

Good! Excellent example of emphasis. You slow down the prose to show us your narrator's reactions. See that emphasis? That is what you want. Hone in on what your narrator focuses on and stab your reader with the emphasis. See that? And the hilarious first set of parentheses. Very nice.

Moving away to Vedic City is one of those things that seemed like a good idea at the time. My mom was just so sure that we were meant to live there; she was so overjoyed when Dad finally agreed to try it for a while and once we got there I honestly couldn’t believe my eyes. Let’s just say after three years of living there Dad, my brothers and I packed our bags quicker than Mom could protest.

Tense confusion. We've been in past tense most the story and now some present? Really pay attention to this. Read it aloud. It's confusing me. Also, my confusion about locations is killing this for me. Clarify where they are moving to, moving from... timing etc. I'm not grasping the full impact of your story because of my confusion about setting. This paragraph is better on voice. Good closing piece.

Now, to address a few overall things.

1. Tenses!

Your verb tense was not painfully inconsistent, but there were parts where it got confusing. Really establish in your head from what point the narrator is telling the story and whether it will be told in past tense. Then read it aloud. The tense changes should sound odd to you. A small detail, but very important.

2. Speaking of reading aloud...

There were a few few sentence and word-choice issues here that I felt like you could deal with. Read this aloud. It will really help. Run the sentences through your mind and then read them so you can hear them. This will really give you a feel for where the stress should be and what sounds strange. Pay careful to attention to how your sentences are wonding and what words you are using. Again, small details, but they work wonders for your piece.

3. Info Dumping and Narrator Voice

I could write an entire tutorial on these two things, but I'll make myself keep it to a minimum. Info dumping is a very risky way to start off a story. The reader will not care about the details of your narrator and his life if he or she is not characterized well. I will not remember what color of hair your character has before I know some things about the essence and mannerisms of your character. So, be careful here. In third person, info dumping is a massive sin that is only excused in some extremely well-written, vital, prologue-themed, significant cases. First person you can get away with it more, but this is where narrator voice comes in.

You can only dump information on us first thing if your narrator is wickedly interesting and distinct. You can do this. It's not impossible. But we need a connection, a window into your narrator's mind and heart before we care about him at all. It is your job to help focus your narrator to provide this. I'm going to give you an example from Assassin's Apprentice by Robin Hobb:

"My memories reach back to when I was six years old. Before that, there is nothing, only a blank gulf no exercise of my mind has ever been able to pierce. Prior to that day at Moonseye, there is nothing. But on that day they suddenly begin, with brightness and detail that overwhelm me. Sometimes it seems too complete, and I wonder if it is truly mine. Am I recalling it from my own mind, or from dozens of retellings by legions of kitchen maids and ranks of scullions and herds of stable boys as they explained my presence to each other? Perhaps I have heard this story so many times, from so many sources, that I now recall it as an actual memory of my own."

This is why I love Robin Hobb. She has pages and pages of telling us all this information about her narrator, but the narrator has such a distinct, enrapturing voice that she gets away with it. You have to discover your narrator's voice. And then saturate every sentence, word and thought with that voice so the reader can't help but be dragged into the depths of your character as you give information.

Emphasis also helps with this. Where your narrator slows down and places significance is where the windows happen. Why is this part important enough that your narrator slows down? Why is he/she placing emphasis on this part? So, remember voice and emphasis.

Does that make sense, I hope?

Again, it's possible, but you need to be careful. Either cut down on the info dumping or really pump this beginning full of narrator voice.

All in all, a really nice piece. Your narrator does have a voice, which is a good sign and you have a lot to work with whilst engaging your reader. Really keep character in mind while you write this. Character intrigues readers more than any kind of backstory, so whatever you begin this story with, make it drip with character. Nice job and keep writing! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!

Hey, Zephy!

So, the first piece of a novel, eh? I'll be interested to find out what will happen in the future, since this one seemed to be dedicated to the background of the story. You write colourfully and smoothly – however, I would suggest adding something action-y to this chapter to keep the readers more hooked in it. A real cliffhanger, you know? There hasn't happened anything yet, and still it all seems a bit rushed - as if you just wanted to start the story and get over the facts as quickly as possible. Personally, though, I would keep reading, because I adore the hippie elements in this story and I can't wait to see what they will be used for and further development.

I didn't really notice anything wrong with your grammar, but there were some punctuation issues:

However, Storm, I’m sure is looking forward to

I had to reread this part to understand it. You need another comma after "I'm sure", so that it will be clearer what you meant.

Let’s just say after three years of living therecomma here Dad, my brothers and I packed our bags quicker than Mom could protest.

There probably were other places as well, but they were all alike. A good tip for placing a comma is to read the sentence out loud, and the place you need to put a comma in is usually there where you naturally pause a little. I'm not sure if that previous sentence made any sense.

that are surely to swarm as he reenters the cave.

If this is a reference to Plato's cave, I'll love you forever. If not, well, nevermind then.


I'll be glad to find out more about the characters. I'm not the best person to give you advice on character development, but I understand that since this is the first chapter, there's still much we don't know about the characters. Just focus on the main characters, and don't try to sneak in too many supporting characters - it will only become confusing.

So, overall this is a sweet and light beginning to a novel that will hopefully be something unique. Keep writing!


Demeter
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