z

Young Writers Society



this film is not yet rated

by Zenjoy


and so i
start off the morning with a stiff drink
and i
try to wipe the sleep from my eyes
you said to watch the shoreline
you claimed the world was pretty

well i bombed the beaches
and stomped on flowers
cut the ropes on tire swings
and drained all the lakes
the world is ugly again
as it was before our time
because with the absence of beauty
you are not gorgeous anymore

and so i
got high and watched the clouds pass
and i
sat on the railing of the tallest bridge
you said not to fall in
you watched my swan dive

did you give it a ten out of ten?

well i bombed the beaches
and stomped on flowers
cut the ropes on tire swings
and drained all the lakes
the world is ugly again
as it was before our time
because with the absence of beauty
you are not gorgeous anymore

well i set fire to forests
and blew up the zoo
shot the last elephant
and melted antarctica
the world is ugly again
as it was before our time
because with the absence of beauty
you are not gorgeous anymore

well i bombed the beaches (set fire to forests)
and stomped on flowers (blew up the zoo)
cut the ropes on tire swings (shot the last elephant)
and drained all the lakes (melted antarctica)
the world is ugly again
as it was before our time
because with the absence of beauty
you are not gorgeous anymore


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
22 Reviews


Points: 4211
Reviews: 22

Donate
Sat Apr 03, 2010 2:36 am



I loved the feeling to this but some parts just didn't flow too well. If you changed around some of the lines, it would work better. I can't imagine it too well as a song though.




User avatar
1260 Reviews


Points: 1630
Reviews: 1260

Donate
Wed Mar 24, 2010 11:31 pm
Elinor wrote a review...



Hi Zenjoy!

This was nice, but I can't really imagine it as a song. It seemed a bit all over the place and there wasn't anything that could have me imagining a set tone or melody. As a poem, it's good though. Also, you should capitalize your i's. You may think that you're being artsy, but it really just looks bad.

And one note about your title; I couldn't see anything having to relate to film. Maybe choose a better title? Since this a song, you can just pick one of the lines.

Hope this helps, and good luck!

-Elinor





"Think of all the beauty still left around you, and smile."
— Anne Frank