Published February 8, 2010
love is a two-sided mixtape
side A contains the kiss without a care
side B showed what you could have been,
what you will never know
it skips too often and won't rewind
it repeats every day until it dies
it was made with the song you know is about you
but you won't believe
it's the last tape i want to make
it's the last tape i ever want to hear
you are the only girl i ever want to kiss
i tried to make an infinite list of every song
that made me stop and think and wish to dream
but this i could never do
and just for the record
this song is about you
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140,909 Literary Works • 673,726 Reviews
Hello, I am AspiringAuthorA..M. and shall be your reviewer tonight.
Did you mean "wanted"
That's one too many "and"
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haha i guess you have to hear me play it then
Hi there Zenjoy!
First of all, let me say that I really like the idea of this song; comparing the joy and sorrow of love to a cassette tape. I especially like how it "skips too often and won't rewind". (How true, huh?) I think you really nailed the concept of the song. Good job!
However, I'm noting a lack of rhythm. (Which is fine if this is a rap song, I suppose, but since you never really specified, I'll continue.) The amount of syllables seem to be a bit differential. In my experience, it helps if corresponding lines are close in their amount of syllables so it's easier for the words to "flow". (Not all the time though!) Another thing is that this seems to be rather short for a song. So either it's like those two-minute Beatles songs or it's slow. You my want to add a little more meat to it's bones, although you don't have to. (And if you do add something, might I suggest pulling a line or two from the earlier paragraphs to form a chorus?)
So anyway, that's about it. Like I said before, I really like this concept, but think you could explore it a bit more to make this even better!
Keep writing!
Y
Hi Zenjoy, Did you avoid to put capital letters at the beginning of sentences on purpose or was it just oversight? Since you have classified your writing as Lyric, I think the required rhythm is missing. Proper punctuation marks if used in the appropriate places would enhance the way the piece could be read thereby bringing out its true meaning