z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Good Dream

by Zenith


He was there. In a half sitting position. Perhaps taking a small break before continuing on. Just like I was at that moment. And yet I could easily see the difference. He seemed asleep while I was very much awake. I looked out and found the daylight fading away. The climb till that point had been exhausting. A slow wave of sympathy passed over me as I looked at my companion who was here before me. I checked out the contents of my backpack. Few last packets of food and one unopened bottle of water. I looked at my fellow traveler. There was no used up food packets or wrappers. Just a plastic bottle. He didn't have any food with him when he first reached this cave. I wonder for how long he had been here. The ground around his right leg seemed a little red. Perhaps he had hurt himself and was bleeding. The villager on the way did tell me that this mountain was unconquerable. Anyone who ever went on this quest, never came back. That's what piqued my interest in the beginning. I decided to be the first. And here I was, stranded in a cave amidst the rocky terrain. But no, I am not stranded, I still have food left and perhaps I would find a stream nearby. Unlike the one with whom I was sharing the cave right now.

I gazed at the starry sky silently, as I waited for the arrival of the sun rays. I pondered the same questions over and over again. Is it really worth all the effort? It’s just a mountain top. So many before me failed, and so many more would still. What is the possibility of me being any different from them? But if I forsook this path now, where else would I go? Like an endless cycle, I was caught in them. And somewhere along, I fell asleep and started dreaming of the future. My bright future. A young climber finally conquers the unconquerable. Yes that's what the newspaper headlines would say. When I would make it to the top. Right there, on the top of the world, everything around me would feel so small and insignificant, but alive.

I woke up with a start. The dark walls of the cave and the daylight made a strange contrast. I knew it was time to leave this sanctuary. I looked at my companion. The one still sleeping. The one who will never wake up. I wonder if he saw the same dream as me. About climbing on. I wonder if that was the last dream he ever saw. As he bled and starved to death. If it was, I think it was worth it. I hope he made it to the summit. Even if it was only in his dream. I picked up some wildflowers growing nearby and put it beside the skeleton.

"You did a good job by coming till this point. It was a good dream. I choose to go on and fulfill both of ours. I'm glad that I met you. "

Saying so, I smiled and began my journey. After all, I had a tough climb ahead. And my conviction had just been renewed. And my dream is yet to be achieved. 

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114 Reviews

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Reviews: 114

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Fri Dec 06, 2019 10:51 pm
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Necromancer14 wrote a review...



Well, this was quite good! I like how the guy struggles with himself about whether he will climb the mountain or not.

"Like an endless cycle, I was caught in them."

This part stuck in my mind, and I really liked it. The idea of being in an "endless cycle" is a great way to build on the fact that the main character is attempting to do something that lots of people have done before and failed.

"The dark walls of the cave and the daylight made a strange contrast"

This is nice and descriptive! The use of the word "strange" instead of something more typical like "sharp" or "big" helps add to the mood.

This was really interesting, just make sure you don't put periods where commas are supposed to go. You tend to have a lot of periods, when you should have commas. For instance;

"He was there. In a half sitting position"

Here the period should be a comma. "In a half sitting position" is a prepositional phrase, not a sentence on its own. The way you can tell the difference is if you read it by itself. If it doesn't make any sense without the sentences around it, it needs to be attached with a comma.

All in all, this was a great little short story, and I enjoyed reading it. :)




Zenith says...


Thank you so much for your review. I'm glad that you liked the story. I'll make the changes as soon as possible %uD83D%uDE0A



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151 Reviews

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Reviews: 151

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Thu Dec 05, 2019 12:51 am
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Junel wrote a review...



Hey there! This is very cool, you set a clear scene, give personality to your character(which can be hard in short stories), and even have a bit of surprise thrown in.

First my nitpicks and suggestions:
(I bold is what needs to be changed)


I checked out the contents of my backpack. Few last packets of food and one unopened bottle of water

The period should be a colon and it wouldn't hurt to add a before few. Also, uncapitalize few.
Just like I was at that moment. And yet

A few comments here. 1. I think you can just cut at the moment it messes with the flow. 2. I think you could start a new paragraph here. The topic shifts just enough and a new paragraph would add to the idea of the differences. 3. A large portion of this piece is either short sentences or fragments. It adds to the tone of your story and is a good technique to add emphasis, but... We don't talk like that in real life and here is slows your story down and makes it harder on the reader. My theatre director always says that as an actor one needs to have multiple levels of emotion throughout a scene. For example, a story that is all anger loses something because what does it matter that they are angry, it becomes normal to the audience, vs someone who was angry, then sad, then angry again. The same thing applies to writing. Sometimes we need to change things up so when we do the cool stuff again it is still impactful. Oops I got off topic... anyway I think that along with a split here switching to a more normal mixture of sentence lengths here would make sense and also make the end even better.
never came back. That's what piqued

I also think a paragraph split here would also be good.
in them. And somewhere along, I fell asleep and started dreaming of the future. My bright

1. delete and and the comma 2. i think maybe different wording would flow better here maybe: began dreaming or even started to dream 3. again a new paragraph after future
the daylight made a strange

delete it'll make it flow better
still sleeping. The one

semicolon here
I wonder

you change tense here and through the next few sentences, a quick fix
I picked up some wildflowers growing nearby and put it beside the skeleton.

The reveal! I think because this sentence is probably the most important you might want to consider it's placement. I definitely think it should at the very least be placed with the Dialogue and not where it is. (doesn't match the rest of the paragraph currently). Or maybe consider putting it after the dialogue that would make it even oofier (yay made up word).
I choose to go on

I feel like this is another key point, but for some reason the wording caught me up for a second. I'm not certain on a fix, and it could just be me being weird. At first, I thought maybe saying "I will" would work, but then you lose the meaning of the choice. Still, that might just flow better. Hmm... sorry, I don't have a clear answer here.
Saying so,

If you move the flower thing to after the dialogue this can be thrown out and just start the paragraph after this. Honestly, this phrasing is just kinda odd and it would again be oofier without.
And my conviction had just been renewed. And my dream is yet to be achieved.

1. delete both ands. 2. again accidental tense change

Woah I did not mean for this to be so long. Don't think that's a bad thing my reviews are always longer the more I like a piece. Seriously, this is unique fun and really well written.

Anyway, I should probably stop procrastinating my homework now. Thank you for the wonderful piece and I hope that you find my review helpful to improve your work.

Sláinte -Junel

P.S. Oh, I just remembered. At the part where you mention the newspaper title or whatever you should italicize the news title. Make it pop.




Zenith says...


Nothing makes up my day like a great review. Thank you for doing such a thorough analysis of the story. I'll make the changes as soon as possible%uD83D%uDE0A




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