Published July 26, 2006
this is in the form of a pantoum.
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He spoke with marble words,
Desired, yet—hard and cold,
Never unheard, these were the words
Which hailed upon her hardwood soul.
Desired, yet—hard and cold,
She relied on the remarks,
Which hailed upon her hardwood soul.
Denting and creating holes.
She relied on the remarks,
Which left nicks and deep holes,
The flaws she desperately tried to fill,
With countless glues and molds
Which left nicks and deep holes,
They’re still visible, even now that she’s grown
The flaws she desperately tried to fill,
Remnants of hail upon her hardwood soul.
They’re still visible, even now that she’s grown,
He spoke the marble words,
Remnants of hail upon her hardwood soul,
Desired, yet—hard and cold.
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141,299 Literary Works • 674,334 Reviews
First of all, I have to applaud you for even attempting a pantoum - I took one look at the format when I was studying poetry and knew I'd never be able to successfully pull it off. The poem itself is very effective, even if the rhythm/pacing is a little wonky in spots. The best image of the whole poem is the one you chose as your title: "He spoke with marble words." Absolutely fabulous, that one. One of those images you read and think, God, I wish I'd thought of that first!
The fourth stanza was a bit awkward with the 2nd line = 1st line repitition....But otherwise, I thought it was a well-worked, patterned and beautiful piece of work. You got your point across, and I'm not sure if the pattern if your idea or anothers, but it's pretty ingenious.