Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
“Nana what will he think?”
The young women sitting beside me stopping kicking her dangling feet. Wisps of hair fell into her face as she looked at me, confusion lining the small wrinkles in the corner of her eyes.
“I don’t know what you mean.” Her voice was dull and when it hit the ear it left a feeling in your stomach you couldn’t put your finger on. My voice shook and tears streamed down my emotionless face.
“What will he think if I don’t come home?”
“I suppose he would be sad.”
“You suppose?”
“What do you think?” Her eyebrow raised only slightly.
“I think he wouldn’t miss me. No one else does.” I uttered coldly. Nana sighed and pulled herself to a standing position on the ledge of the bridge with her lengthy arms dangling to her sides. She looked over the edge and then back at under her long curled eyelashes.
“Then I guess we have answer. Do it now and what a better way then under the bright stars.” There was a ping in my heart as the words sunk into my swimming brain. The stars once a sign of hope for me now just balls of gas floating into an abyss. Nana continued as if she hadn’t noticed my tears.“You were drowning metaphorically and now you’ll do it literally.”
She helped me on to the icy ledge.My hair blew all around me just as the water did below me. My toes curled as the wind touched them with light finger tips. She put her hands on my shoulders bringing me close.
“Now don’t cry, you’re sad. How do fix the problem? We get rid of it. Where’s the problem?”. She was happy now because she was right. I thought back to all the years I have done nothing with myself where I could have done something. Disappointment being my only companion besides despair.
“Here, it’s me. I...I’m the problem.” I choked. Nana for the first time ever smiled.
“Now jump.” I let the tears flow as freely as my memories. My arms raised without the permission of my mind and my head fell back. The wind taking me when…
“Marty.” Was called out with enough sorrow to last you a hundred years. My head turned.
“Marty please get down. Please I love you, get down.” He begged stepping closer with each word.
That word, love, it broke me.
“No James I have too! I have too you don’t understand!” I screamed my balance almost failing me.
“No mar-”
“Yes James I do! Nana was right Nana has always been right!I don't deserve to breath!” He stopped moving and looked at me. Different than before.
“Marty who is Nana?” My head shook and my arms flopped about as I pointed to the women next to me.
“Her! It’s her James!” I screeched looking at Nana. I looked back at James who stuttered and fell on his words.
“Marty no one is there.”
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,372 Literary Works • 673,125 Reviews
Oh my gosh this is amazing!! I love horror stories..Actually written one on here
...but this is amazing oh my god! First of all, your character! The girl - love it! I love how "tears streamed down my emotionless face" and how she behaves "coldly". It says a lot... it says she's rather distant, perhaps guarded and hiding something? Maybe she's schizophrenic - thinking she's someone else, seeing things that aren't there? Faulty perceptions. I'd love to read more really would!
I'm so intrigued.. Please write more 
Also, the way you described the stars as "floating into an abyss" - that's powerful! Abyss is quite dark and almost reflects the current atmosphere- how dark it is that Nana is saying "now jump". The darkness of the abyss maybe reflects that this girl is quite depressed - considering the whole hallucination telling her to commit suicide - at least that's what it seems. I don't know, so much ambiguity.
Also, the plot twist! Wow totally wasn't expecting it! Nana - however she is- sounds totally twisted...
Oh my gosh thank you so much this made my day! I think I will write more on this. I don't even know what else to say thank you.
No problemo
Impressive, I'm in love with they hallucinate
Yet I think it was obvious a bit (probably because I read that much of script and stories lol)
But I love it, I would like to know how this will go, if there is a second part please do write it
Also, I advise that after you finish writing you would reread what you wrote, because there are some mistakes here and there.
Your writtibg style is good, but I think it could have been better, maybe.
Also try to explain more on the background, I mean where she is, all I got that she is about to jump from a bridge at night and that's it.
Also how old is she? How does she looks? Besides her hair, what happened to her?
A lot of questions surfing my head, yet again this was a fair try.
Keep it up
Thanks so much for the review. Yeah this was tough for me because I have a 500 hundred word limit that I have to keep so I'll re read it today and see what I can do.
Well good luck dear
Thank you
Ello, Im here for a review, tell me if you disagreed with some of the points i made.
Ok lets get down to business then!.
"The young women"
There is a simple spelling error her and that's women when it should have been woman
"I don’t know what you mean.” Her voice was dull and when it hit the ear it left a feeling in your stomach you couldn’t put your finger on."
This whole section to me was a little bit jumbled up and forced. For an example
""Her voice was dull and when it hit the ear "" There should have been an comma or a full stop other than an "and" so the sentence is interlocking better and not forced." Left a feeling in your stomach you couldn’t put your finger on." There Should be a "that" in between " stomach" and " you" to make the reader understand it better not confuse them.
“What will he think if I don’t come home?”
I think the word didn't should have been used instead of don't because it just works perfectly in that sentence
"I think he wouldn’t miss me. No one else does.” I uttered coldly"
The Full stop was needed after "me" better yet a comma could have been used.
"Then I guess we have answer. Do it now and what a better way then under the bright stars.” There was a ping in my heart as the words sunk into my swimming brain. The stars once a sign of hope for me now just balls of gas floating into an abyss. Nana continued as if she hadn’t noticed my tears.“You were drowning metaphorically and now you’ll do it literally.”
This paragraph was awesome i loved how you detailed the stars as balls of gas floating in an abyss awesome detailing and Is Nana a witch or something she's full blown scaring me now.
But who is this mystery girl will she drown or not?
“Marty please get down. Please I love you, get down.” He begged stepping closer with each word. "
OOOO, its getting interesting and better seems like Marty is the girl, man this has me gripped i love that.
“Marty who is Nana?” My head shook and my arms flopped about as I pointed to the women next to me.
“Her! It’s her James!” I screeched looking at Nana. I looked back at James who stuttered and fell on his words.
“Marty no one is there.”
What a cliff hanger, so she wasn't there the whole time it was a figment of her imagination wow that was epic. So final thoughts are few grammatical errors but not something to worry about just remember to check your work for these well hidden mistakes, Story wise this was a one to remember for the ages as i thought it was an amazing one.
If you want any more opinions just update me on your next project.
Awesome thanks so much and I'll go fix those today.