Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.
Days, Days,Days
January 24, 2016
Another one of their fantastic pep assemblies is taking place and I couldn’t be more thrilled to be here and listening to this trash. It’s always the same, the principle comes on trying is best to get us hyped about school then when he majorly fails the student body president does some skits with friends and gives away bogus school tee-shirts.
Don’t get me wrong I get out of class which is a bonus but I never to seem to find any of my friends let alone my beloved boyfriend. This probably sounds super bitchy but I really do love him he just never seems to love me back in public. It’s fine whatever makes him happy. I just wish sometimes…
I felt the my shoulder get shoved slightly and I look up to see Cody ginning widely leaning against the chair next to mine.He raised an eyebrow and leaned down slightly.
“Cody!” I yelled happily jumping up and wrapping my arms around his body.It wasn’t until I let go that I relized he didn’t hug me back. But this was common. “What’s wrong babe, Ty isn’t here?”
“Yeah and Devon is with his girlfriend skipping to you know…” He cleared his throat and I caught his drift. “So I’ll come sit with you.” Luckily the auditorium was dark or he would have seen the stupidest face I have ever made. It was exhilarating to have him actually sit with me and be my boyfriend in public. I grabbed his arm and waiting for the assembly to start. We watch as the crowd of kids sat and an old thin man stepped up to the mic.
“Wow half way through the year. Isn’t this great everyone this is looking like one of the best years this school has seen in a long time.”The man announced to the audience.
I scoffed “Only because half the drug dealers graduated last year. Kids aren’t gettin high like they used to. what a shame.” Cody snorted but didn’t look at me. It was true most of the dealers either graduated to went on to bigger deals.The only reason I knew was because Cody’s friend Brent he also went on to bigger deals.
The old man finished his speech and the president stepped on shiny greased curls flopping in his face a little, almost bouncing as he walked.He started his line of jokes when my phone buzzed in my jeans. The screen was brighter than expected as I checked the new text from Zack.
I see lover boy is sitting with you. Boyfriend didn’t show? Normally I would stand for someone be that flat out rude to Cody but Zack has been my friend since seventh grade. He was like my brother.
Ty isn't here and so he decided to sit with me. I thought it was nice. I responded ignoring his boyfriend comment. I hit send and almost immediately there was another text.
Well how sweet of him to sit with you for once in your relationship I rolled my eyes and send back a Thanks I put my phone away and turned off the vibrate. I wasn’t going to let him ruin this.
20 minutes had gone by and the assembly was almost over when the doors in the back of the auditorium slammed shut. The principle ran on stage and ripped the mic out of some poor girl's hand. Before he had a chance to blow our eardrums out with yelling there were gunshots and screams of “Get down!”
End of chapter
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140,372 Literary Works • 673,125 Reviews
Hello Zee6, here for a review!
I must confess I wasn't really hyped up to continue reading this story (Please don't hate me!). The scene was pretty standard as it seems so common. Sure, you made a come back at the end, but it was something momentaneous. When you started to get to the interesting part you suddenly break it and finish the scene there. This really leaves the reader with a feeling of 'That's it!?'. So if you want to grabb the reader's full attention and considering the fact you start with over and over seen scene, you should definitely continue this scene and engulf in all the chaos that is certain to come after the get down scream.
There were also quite a few structure and grammar mistakes so you should be more careful with that.
- 'It’s always the same, the principle comes on trying (h)is best to get us hyped about school then (,) when he majorly fails (,) the student body president does some skits with friends and gives away bogus school tee-shirts.'
-'Don’t get me wrong (,) I get out of class which is a bonus (,) but I never (to)x seem to find any of my friends let alone my beloved boyfriend. This probably sounds super bitchy but I really do love him (;) he just never seems to love me back in public. It’s fine (,) whatever makes him happy.'
-'I felt (the)x my shoulder get shoved slightly and I look up to see Cody g(r)inning widely (,) leaning against the chair next to mine.'
- 'I grabbed his arm and (waiting)x waited for the assembly to start.'
-“Wow (!) Half way through the year (!) Isn’t this great (,) everyone (!) This is looking like one of the best years this school has seen in a long time (!)” If this is supposed to hype the kids then the man's speech should be all happy and exagereted.
-'It was true most of the dealers either graduated (to)x and went on to bigger deals.The only reason I knew (this) was because Cody’s friend (,) Brent (,) (he)x also went on to bigger deals.'
-'The old man finished his speech and the president stepped on (;) shiny greased curls flopping in his face a little, almost bouncing as he walked.'
-'I see lover boy is sitting with you. Boyfriend didn’t show?' this part doesn't have mistakes but it's confusing. Isn't Cody her boyfriend? The same thing goes for this part: ' I responded ignoring his boyfriend comment.'
-'Normally I would(n't) stand for someone be(ing) that flat out rude to...'
-'Well how sweet of him to sit with you for once in your relationship (,) I rolled my eyes and send back a Thanks (.) I put my...'
-'(20)x Twenty minutes had gone by and the assembly was...'
All in all, great effort and hope to see you improve!
Keep writing!
Happy review day.
I liked the character of the girl. Happy and lively.
Zack was good.Really like people like him.
Story was full of sarcasm which i liked.
Tips that will make it better.
The story was not that very well written. Sentence formation and grammatical mistakes were there at the important parts of story which threw my mind of the track and had difficulty imagining.
The plot was good but the ending could have been something else.I am saying this because after the whole story my heart wasn't ready to accept the ending. It doesn't goes well with the rest of the story. Endings can be good in stories even if not in real life.
Overall it was good but had potential to be much much better.