(think of this as an introduction to the main stories if you will)
As I walk through my dying library, I see my life's work spread out on either side and it saddens me to think that nobody will ever know of it. I pick a book at random off of a twisted shelf, aching with the weight of time. The story of young Basnai DeVada. A remarkably interesting tale, in my opinion; a tale of mystery and intrigue, of death and of life. My, my, this certainly be worth a read.
Young Basnai was a healthy, dark haired child of hispanic origin, he was not tall, but gave the impression from a distance, being rather thin. He was always quite quiet in a good mannered respect, a well behaved boy with his mind on nothing but his studies. He focused and prevailed, and was to all respects, a genius. He taught himself how to read people and decipher motives. He wrote books on his own theories that were recognised as gospel by many scientists, but always he strived for more.
Basnai spent most of his time in antiquated little book shops in the backstreets of his city, and that is where I met him. He strolled through into the shop with barely a glance at me. Just as well. Let us just say, I would have been...recognisable...to him. But he walked in and picked a rather strange looking time off of the shelf, I recall it was something to do with genetic anomalies or something like that.
As he approached the counter, he spoke in a loud clear voice that could be heard throughout the little shop "how much is this?" Then he paid, and then he left. Not too interesting as a first meeting (if you could call it that) but it was something. It only got more interesting from there.
To Be Continued (obviously)
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello Zedderman! Dominusatramentum at your service!
This story looks quite interesting. But first I would like to say, is it truly a short story? You said it was an introduction, so it's really a prologue, right? But that doesn't really matter...
I disagree with my good friend icannothearthings on many of the points that she made. True, some of the things you said sound unprofessional. But what she neglected to say is that you don't have to NEVER use these phrases. It all depends on the rest of the story. If the rest sounds casual, then it works.
I understood what "decipher motives" and "(if you could call it that)" meant, just so you know.
And I think you should include his nationality, because it gives us a good image of him. Can you imagine reading the Harry Potter books not knowing that Ron was ginger?!
Hope this helped!
Thank you!
Welcome
This was quite interesting, and I'd like to read more.
"To Be Continued (obviously)" don't say obviously. Please. It just sounds unprofessional.
"child of hispanic origin" if this isn't important later in the story, you don't really need to say that.
"decipher motives" What? Go into more explanation for that statement.
"genetic anomalies or something like that" you shouldn't say "or something like that". It. again, sounds unprofessional.
"(if you could call it that)" why wouldn't you call it that? That line was confusing.
Aside from that, I really enjoyed it and I'd like to read more. I think you did a good job setting up the story. I can't wait for the next part!
Alex out!
Unfortunately, I AM unprofessional in both my spelling and my manner, I was trying to get into character, but I will remedy this for the next extract
Awesome! I thought it was really great. Will this be a novel?
Hello Z.
Well done, this is really good. *patronizing face* (I like second hand bookshops!)
There are a couple of things that I would change, namely:
-"He was always quite quiet in a good mannered respect," I would insert a comma after quiet.
-"spread out on either side and it saddens me" Another comma after side.
-"rather strange looking time off of the shelf" This is a book shop, not a clock repairman! I think you mean Tome.
This is reasonably suspenseful, considering the lack of activity in the plot at the moment. I still want to know who "I" is, and what his works are.
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!
Unfortunately I cannot reveal who the narrator is without ruining the story and thank you for giving me grammar tips, I blame spell-check on my ipod
Know what you mean, I am on my phone. I wasn't expecting you to tell me the narrator, just saying it adds suspense.
Also, as a touch of advice, reviewing people, following people, and doing stuff in forums are all good ways of getting reviews! Also you can use "will review for food" forum, as a more direct approach.