A raven calls, a murder flies,
This is how a romance dies.
Right beneath the old yew tree,
I surely left a sight to see.
The blood, the bones, and gore galore,
is but a fresh grotesque decor.
Crimson red and shades of lust,
Fall and mix into the dust.
Silence slithers by the blade,
As surroundings start to fade.
There is no light, but there is rain,
Under the yew, oh, I am slain.
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138,374 Literary Works • 672,110 Reviews
This is Nikayla here dropping in for a short review on a short poem!
I see that you're new to the site, so I first welcome you! Though, that's not what I'm here for--I'm here to critique your work. I see that you've decided to take on a rhyme scheme in this piece of AA BBCC DDEE FF, which is pretty simple to understand. I don't mind the rhyme in this poem though at times, it can hinder the other aspects from showing their true potential and I want you to consider the pros and cons to including it. Next I wanted to take focus on the fact that you capitalize the first letter at the beginning of each line, which is your stylistic choice, sure, but I don't see how it makes the piece any stronger.
Unless you have any specific reasoning or explanation as to why you've done this, I don't find it necessary, though if you do want to keep this and stay consistent, then the 'I' in line four of the second stanza isn't capitalized. What I found to become rather stale throughout the piece is not the concept, which I actually thought was interesting, but the structure of the lines here. They're literally all the same when it comes to punctuation--there's no diversity whatsoever.
At the end of the first line, there's a comma, and at the end of the second, there's a period, and it works that way for the whole poem. I found this to get dull quickly, and I'd like to see you spice things up. As for the actual content of the poem, I see that you're talking about a yew tree, and I believe that the majority of your problems are more focused not on the subject matter or what you write, but the execution. The flow of this piece could be improved by rewording and taking out unnecessary words, since that's also a problem I found that this held. Love the word choice and atmosphere, though I can see this being improved by revision and editing!
If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.
Hey there Zbon141. Greetings from the After Watch shift. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
Just two things to say and then I'll be on my way.
I may or may not have written that specifically as an intro to your rhyme scheme. I love to read rhyming poems just because they're so hard to achieve and even harder to do tastefully. And for the most part I like the style going on here and none of the rhymes really seem unnecessary and fit pretty well. There is this slight issue I have with line 3 of stanza 2, where you go double dutch with rhyming words and it just left a bad taste in my mouth.
'gore galore' already rhyming perfectly, sort of sets off the 'decor' of the next line and distracted me from the overall statement you were trying to make. The 'gore' is necessary to keep to continue on with the idea but I think that 'galore' can go out the window.
The relation of the title being mixed back into the poem was a nice touch. I sort of skipped over it the first time but then it really seemed to come alive and I finally noticed the other one. And the overall comparison in the poem of lost love and death is kind of cliche but it was pulled off pretty well. It does seem to hang and snag at bits but the only place it really tripped me up was the 'gore galore' line.
That's really all I've got to say. Welcome to YWS! Great poem. If you have any questions about this review or anything else, feel free to drop me a line.
~Lady Lizz