Charon’s Mis-metered Limerick
upon reflecting on the peculiar state of mind created by 2 1/2 hours of sleep
My silence of mind is lost, now,
dropped into pools of phonographs turning,
scratched by the nails of the hands that I held,
struck by the fangs of a dying viper,
screaming like a jackrabbit cornered at nightfall,
howling into noon-time suns with unsharpened, unthrusted knives,
getting roped, dragged off by a dusty Brain locked away,
held mesmerized by a deluge of hymns
which crack burning whips,
sing folded lies,
and trick you into drifting away,
your body pressed against cold Charon’s
while your eyes and pores sweat blood.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Wesh! I'm here to give this a quick review I know this is old and you don't care about it anymore, but just let me talk about it.
This has a deep, cutting, meaning, great word use, but I feel your really trying to get certain vibes, and it's not really working. The flow feels a bit choppy and it seems rushed.
But I love it and congratulate you!
Jade
I really enjoyed this poem. You have a beautiful vocabulary and some great imagery, but I have just a few nitpicks to point out...
Okay, first of all, the first line in this section was just chilling - vivid, powerful simile.
Alright, I know Chevy and xanthan have already talked about this line, but there were a few other things here that bugged me. Firstly, I wasn't fond of the adjectice 'unthrusted', unsharpened seems to imply that. And secondly, I didn't like 'getting roped'. I think 'being' would be a better helping very here if you need a helping verb at all. Just 'roped' would work as well.
Besides that, I loved this. Excellent job!
there are too many syllables in these lines
and it does appear you are rambling.
shouldn't you lowercase "brain"?
I was loving it up until this:
"howling into noon-time suns with unsharpened, unthrusted knives,
getting roped, dragged off by a dusty Brain locked away, "
I loved the imagery, but you seemed to start rambling, and it seemed rushed. But I do like the way you started the second stanza. The poem read much better after the other two long lines. Overall, it sounds better reading it the second time...but not everyone reads poems to twice. However, for those that do (like myself), it's phenomenal.