[A single sailor walks into a tavern immediately after he landed alone on his ship at port. He has a thick Scotch accent.]
Sailor: Give me a shot a'your finest whiskey. No, I don't care how much, mate. Look in my eyes--do you think I can go much longer without it? I've been at sea for three weeks--yes, I know. I know the rumors. A man comin' into dock by himslef on a galleon--a bit suspicious, eh? Well mate, I'll tell you and you only what really happened out there-- (bartender hands him his whiskey.) Ah, thankee, thankee. Seven nights out there alone on watch'll do thing to your mind. He just lost it at the wrong time--we all do it mate, he just didn't get the break we did. He came down from watch--boy, could I see it in his eyes!--somethin' was wrong with that boy. I saw it--I saw the whole thing. He chopped every one a' them up, one by one as morning came. (He swallows his shot of whiskey whole and then pauses.) Ah, but you won't get me by surprise...
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Well this one was certainly a monologue. Hmm...I have to be honest and say I'm not a big fan of the decision to show only one side of what's going on through this sailor's dialogue only. I feel like this would have been much better if it was spaced out into separate lines of dialogue with some appropriate descriptions and other dialogue from characters as needed to separate them and just make it a little easier to understand as a reader. The idea here though is actually pretty good and I like it.
Anyway let's get right to it,
This sounds like something that you would see at the start of a script right here. This doesn't feel too appropriate for a story here. It might even just be the brackets that are making me think like this so please consider revising that.
Well he certainly just went on and on there. I definitely am intrigued by the story. Now I really want to read the story of what happened on that boat. Other than that. The accent seems okay. I'll admit I'm no expert at accents so take my advice with a grain of salt there. And this seems like fairly normal chatter for a bar. Also I think now that I see this with a bit more care this appears to be written like a script so maybe you published this in the wrong section.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: So I don't have much else to say here. It's pretty much covered by everything else I said. This one's a bit of a short review for this short piece. Overall it was a pretty nice piece.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I liked it. You got the scotish accent accross very well. It makes me want to find out what happens. I don't really have anything to critique