Roses. They were the first things that caught my attention. And why wouldn’t they be, they were the only object I could see in my limited range of vision that was intercepted by thick grey mist. Thousands of bushes covered in multi hued blooms of the flower my mother had always loved the most. A love I had apparently inherited from her, especially since recently and the events that had brought my life unraveling around me and that had ultimately brought me to this point of no return. This point where I was forced to chose between my life and his. . . a choice that was never a choice at all.
A shudder raced through my body as my mind took me back to the reason I was here. The reason my body was still etched in adrenaline, the pain and fear that had constrained me only moments earlier still a fresh tattoo against my soul. I was quite unsure yet if where and what I was experiencing was in fact the promised reality I had been sold, or if the more probable reason was that I had left my life behind to move forward into the unknown. My past, at least my immediate past, of the last hour was hazy at best and a jumbled mess of horror and confusion.
I remember the gorge, it’s foreboding yet familiar presence. Then there was the falling. The pain. There was screaming. Fear. And then there was the almost familiar blackness.
The blackness had receded though, it had slowly faded as I regained consciousness. The oblivion though soon became a comfort as what displaced it contained a nightmare more real and terrifying then the dark could ever have hoped to hold and I longed to crawl my way back into its tranquility.
That was not to be though as I knew I could not leave my current predicament, I couldn’t leave him. As my vision slowly returned to me, the pain that engulfed me became a distant eb as I was finally able to focus and the scene before me claimed all of my attention.
Blood, there was so much of it! I knew copious amounts of it were mine, but I didn’t care, because more important was the fact that some of it was his.
Father!
My heart hurt with the unknowing of his condition, whether he was even alive or not. I could feel the tears flowing and the knot in my chest constricted making it impossible to breathe. I could not talk as I struggled against my confines fighting desperately to bring myself closer to him. With every movement though pain shot through me from every part of my body. I tried for all I was worth to ignore it. I could not, and with the cry of a dying animal, I surrendered to my traitorous body and collapsed in despair.
My pathetic attempt at putting up a fight had all but stolen what little energy I had retained and the blackness was returning for me one last time. I did not welcome it, but I did not have a choice. Despair clawed at me as the image of my father, still and lifeless branded itself to the inside of my eyelids as I finally gave in and closed my eyes forever.
This couldn’t be it, it couldn’t be the end. I had never imagined it to be like this and although everything added up to this, this truth, I still refused to believe it.
“Please,” I begged inwardly, “please, if anyone can hear me, if someone is out there, I beg of you, save him!”
Nothing.
Of course there was nothing, and my final hope and dying wish was to be left unheard and unheeded at the bottom of the gorge.
“Swear to me.”
Or was it?
I knew I was losing my grip on reality as a deep voiced whisper trespassed through my thoughts.
“What?” I responded, compliantly feeding my insanity.
“Swear to me, that you will submit to my terms and I will save him.”
My heart ached at the prospect of the impossible offered service and I did not hesitate.
“Anything.”
I knew it was impossible and that my subconscious was just at war with itself, as my body slowly shut down and yet still tried to cope with the loss I would never be able to comprehend. Nevertheless, I had not lied to myself, there was nothing in this universe that I would ever put before my father, nor nothing I would not give if there was even the slightest chance that he could be saved.
There was a pause before the mysterious voice my dying brain had conjured up responded.
“Very well, but know the terms I require of you are steep and are not to be taken lightly. Once agreed upon, you will not be able to back out or leave our agreement, it is binding and forever.”
“I do not care.” I responded quickly, knowing every second that I lay here and fought with myself, was one second closer to my own death and my father's demise. This lingering here was tearing me apart and the longer it persisted, the more I wanted it to end. For me to end.
“What are your terms?” I inquired impatiently.
“You.” It was a short reply, but one that cut me to the core.
Out of all of the things I could offer to give, myself was never one that I had ever considered myself of worth or value, or something to bargain with. Why would anyone want me?
“It is a life for a life. You give yourself to me, wholly to me. Your body, mind and soul and in return, I will save your father’s life.”
“Take it.”
The request did not phase me in the least, I was dying and so was my father, if one of us could be saved and a go on to live a normal happy life, then I was more than willing to volunteer my father as the recipient of life and I remain the expense.
There was a long pause of silence that stretched on for what seemed like an eternity of agony where I berated myself continually for succumbing to my own fanciful nightmare, as I knew that there was nothing on earth that could truly save my father now.
But at last my fictitious mystery voice returned to me, to grant unto me my request.
“As you wish. Swear unto me by the sun and the moon and the stars in the sky, and on this very earth that as long as the earth shall be, you shall belong to me.”
“I swear.”
No sooner had the words formed in my mind then several impossible and most unexpected changes occurred.
My pain disappeared. I could breathe again. I was no longer in the gorge. And I was not alone.
The former three realizations came to me as the relief from the first washed over me and I was once again admitted the control of my body and senses. Immediately I gulped for breath and a refreshing gasp of air relieved my previously burning lungs, filling them with a crisp cool, rose scented balm. It was a comforting sensation and giving me courage, I pried my eyes open.
A conglomeration of transformation surrounded me and I found myself curled into a ball, lying on what appeared to be a stone mural in the center of a small stone pavilion. Nothing even close to the gory scene I had just left at the bottom of the gorge.
But that is not what held my attention. It was the roses.
Red, violet, blue, yellow, every color of the rainbow and then some not even included, winked in and out of the mist at me as it swirled in eddies around what I could only assume was an immense garden. It stretched further than my limited vision would allow, and a part of me longed to go and find its end and explore its depths.
Rising to my feet, I was almost surprised at the lack of impediment or pain that I felt and moving to the edge of the pavilion, I was easily able to reach out and touch one of the beautiful flowers attached to the green branch of one of the immaculately kept rose bushes. The flower was a vivid gold that melted into a soft caramel towards its center. The petals felt like velvet against my fingers, bringing a smile to my lips as fond memories of past roses in my life to the back of my mind.
Birthdays, graduations, proms, awards. . . funerals. My hand involuntarily jerked away from the flower at the same instant as pain shot through both my heart and hand. Upon further inspection, I found a drop of blood slowly making a trail down my ring finger, having pricked it on a hidden thorn. How fitting, I thought, my situation reminding me of an old quote I had once found and learned to love.
Love is like a rose. So beautiful to look at, yet so painful to touch.
The love I had had in my life had brought me the most wonderful times and memories, and yet also the most painful and hard ones as well.
The sound of a creaking gate shattered the serene silence and sliced through my reverie, bringing me back to the present and to my curious predicament at hand. In all my distractions from the roses, I had all but forgotten my unseen savior and now master.
Angling my attention in the direction of the noise I had heard, I braced myself for the inevitable confrontation, a part of me curious as to who belonged to the mysterious voice and a part of me terrified of the creature that held such power as to whisk me away to this mist enshrouded garden all the while claiming to have such abilities that would save my dead or dying father.
I unintentionally found myself holding my breath and noticing this I forced myself to breathe and try to relax, it couldn’t be that bad, whoever this stranger was there was one thing I was sure of, they were not going to hurt me, and my life was not in danger, if that had been the case, I would have just been left for dead at the bottom of the ravine.
In the next instance, I realized that I had gaged the direction of my captor wrong, and instead of coming from the source of the sound I had heard earlier, somehow they had managed to come to be standing directly behind me. I was aware of this fact as the serene silence that had accompanied me since my arrival in the garden was now permeated with the sound of harsh breathing that sent chills down my back and raised the hair on my arms.
Whoever, or whatever the unseen being behind me was, there was now one thing certain in my mind; there was no way on earth that the creature was in anyway human, as its breaths came in short deep growls not more than a foot from where I was standing.
Cold terror filled my recently eased and relaxed being and it finally dawned on me that, as in most every barter and trade, the one doing the swearing and giving up always lost more than what was originally apparent . The one sure factor of my life being secure was now becoming the vague wisp of a dream. One that was melting fast into oblivion.
But that was ok. Bracing myself, I pushed the terror down and calmed my racing heart. Consoling myself with the hope that no matter what harm befell me, no matter what fate awaited me, it would always be worth it in the end. My Father’s life would always be worth it. The cost of my own life, it was a deal I had willingly made and it was one that I was willingly going to keep.
My heart steadied and my mind made up, I squared my shoulders and readying myself for the unknown, I took one step to the side making a sharp pivot to turn myself around.
The sight that met my eyes was beyond my comprehension, and as my faltering brain tried in vain to grasp any sense of reality, my senses were once again taken beyond the breaking point and I could feel it all slip away as the prologue of my nightmare began, and I sank into oblivion, one image burned onto my soul forever as impossibly enormous white teeth lunged forward to consume me.
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,811 Reviews
Hello,
So, first, a little about me (and yes, I know 'a little about me' is a horrible way to begin a review, but I think it's justified in this case): I love Disney. In particular, I love the Disney princesses. To be even more specific, I love Beauty and the Beast and Belle. An article I wrote is even referenced on Belle's Wikipedia page. So, basically, I'm a serious fan. Which means that A.) when I saw this story, I got excited, and B.) I'm going to be extra picky, cuz I take this stuff seriously.
But, the good news: I really, really liked this! As someone who's a big fan of this story in its most well-known form (that is, the Disney version), I wasn't sure if I'd like it or not, but I think your take so far is off to a very nice, original start.
There's some very pretty writing here. I'm digging your take on Belle so far. I also like how you've continually referenced roses, starting right at the beginning—nice touch. The way you had Belle come into the Beast's (or the Wolf's, as I guess you'll be calling him?) orbit was clever. It's not what I was expecting, and I mean that as a compliment.
Most times, young writers give too much away with prologues and basically write a first chapter, but you've deftly avoided that. This is the way a prologue should be written: It sets up the story, the subsequent chapters; it gives us a taste of the protagonist; it doesn't reveal too much. It certainly left me wanting more, too. Great work with that.
Now, for some (mild) criticism and advice and such...
One thing I noticed is that you have a tendency to write very long, flowery sentences—which may be because of the material you're working with (I mean, a story like Beauty and the Beast sort of begs for long, lovely, flowery sentences, right?), or just your natural style. There's nothing wrong with that—in fact, it's frequently quite beautiful—but the issue is that this sort of writing often walks a fine line between pretty and overwrought. You were occasionally walking it with this prologue. Just be very, very careful not to dip into melodramatic territory, or speak in too much of a stilted, antiquated way (though again: I realize, since this story takes place in vaguely old-timey times, you're sort of required to write it in that manner).
Also, I implore you: Don't be afraid to have some nice, tight, short sentences to break up the long ones. Especially if you're writing an intense or frightening scene, one that requires Belle to be scared—some choppy sentences could help set the mood for that. Also, if you have a few flowery sentences, it's nice to then have a few plainly-written, simple sentences so that the story doesn't feel too monotonous.
You also have to be careful with your commas—there were many instances where you incorrectly used them, creating a run-on sentence—and you have to be careful not to switch tenses. But more on that in a bit.
One thing I thought was a little odd was Belle's behavior after she was transported to the Wolf's home (?) and relieved of her pain. She doesn't know her father is safe or has been healed—he's nowhere in sight—and I felt like, since she repeatedly says how much she cares about him, she should be more concerned. For all she knows, she's been transported to this place and he's been left to die by himself. It seemed to me she would've been calling out to him and expressing at least some mild fear and worry. Just something to consider.
Anyway, onto some nitpicks:
Hyphen in "multi-hued."
"Brought" is repetitive.
Incorrect comma. I'd also suggest maybe italicizing the word "him."
Lastly, this is an example of what I was talking about, with certain lines coming across as borderline melodramatic and/or overwrought.
I get the gist of what you're trying to say here, but the way it's written makes no sense.
Overwrought Example #2 .
When I read this, all I could think of was Newman on Seinfeld saying, "Karma, Kramer!" and then Jerry confusedly repeating, "Karma Kramah?"
(Take that as you will.)
You switch tenses here. See how the first bolded word is present-tense ("is") and the second is past-tense ("was")? Easy mistake to make, though.
I'd italicize this.
Wayyyy too long of a sentence. Many missing or misplaced commas as well. (Also, Belle's logic is kind of flawed.)
Convenient.
In this case, there should be a space between "any" and "way."
I think you can figure out what's wrong here.
In this case, the F in "father" should be lowercase. This is the rule: if mum/dad/nana/auntie/etc is preceded by, say, a possessive pronoun (e.g., "my father"), the first letter is lowercase; if, however, you're referring to a character as mum/dad/nana/auntie/etc, in place of their actual name (e.g., "I remember Father's laugh"), the first letter should be capitalized.
Incorrect comma.
Readied myself.
Improper comma.
Roll credits!
So, in summation: This is a nifty little prologue you've got here. The story's looking quite promising so far. Just watch out for overwrought, overly-long sentences, tense-switches, and your comma usage, and then you'll be good to go.
Nice work!
Thank you SO much! I too love Beauty and the Beast, it's my favorite Disney movie of all time! I really appreciate your very thorough and insightful review it was great!
Commas are my total downfall in writing and I am trying to work on that.
I am grateful for your thoughts and comments, constructive criticism is really what I want/need so thank you!
Hello! This is my first review in a while, so I may not be able to catch too much in one go, but this looked quite interesting! A very interesting twist on Beauty and the Beast, am I correct?
Anyways, you did mention in the description that your grammar may not be up to scale, so I'll try to help you out with that and any other things I see.
So these are some minor grammatical and wording suggestions, in bold. First, I think the sentence should be separated, since these two sections are sort of like independent clauses, and the first part feels to me like it is a question. Second, instead of saying "the only object", I would go for a plural descriptor, since there are many roses, and I don't really think that one would call a flower an object in most situations, especially since they're still alive on the bush. I admit, "all" is probably not the best word to put there either, but... it's all I can think of right now.So, to start off, I think as your prologue, it was a pretty good attention-grabber. You transport the reader right into something intense, and I think that really works in your favor, especially with what I think is coming in the next chapters...
For this one, just be sure to use "its" without an apostrophe here. Possessive "it" doesn't have an apostrophe, while "it's" (with apostrophe) is a contraction for "it is".
The main thing here is "ebb" has 2 b's. Also there are a lot of words and phrases here and there that aren't really necessary, especially if you want to keep a fast pace to the passage.
At first, when you said "him", I thought that this guy in question would be a love interest, since that's pretty normal for a story, but I was so happy and impressed when "he" turned out to be Belle's father. A fictional girl who is willing to sacrifice for her father, not just a boyfriend, out of selfless love is the kind of character I really like.
And that ending! Nice cliffhanger. I wonder what the wolf was really trying to do. Overall, your story is really well thought out, and from what I've read, it sincerely has potential to be a very interesting story to follow.
Happy writing,
Lael
Thank you for your very helpful review and insight on my story ! I really appreciate all of the help that I can get! It's been a long time since I've written anything and so with being rusty I defiantly have a long way to go. I do love writing though and I hope I can get back into it and not give up.