Zalex wrote:I look at you
You are looking at me
You look away
I look away then again at youok so first thing I noticed was the use of the word "look" in every line. This is NOT a good thing to noticed in a poem first. You want the reader to be captivated, not annoyed.
You laugh
I fell warm and happy inside this should be feel
You don't come to school
I am sadsad is such a blah word, a reader wants to know how sad, why, we want to feel it with you. Don't just tell us.
You cry
I feel sad Again you repeated the same word in the next stanza, not only is that not effective, it's boring. Try expandind your vocab a little.
You talk to another girl
I feel sick to my stomachUse the words jealousy, tell us why this makes you feel sick to your stomach. As a reader, I don't want to hear you say "I feel sick" I want to hears something, like "I see you talking to another girl, Bile rises in my throat and I glance away" thats pretty rough but do you get what I mean about telling?
We have the same lunch time
I brush my hair[b]This line has no purpose, tell us you want to look beautiful for the person.... something!
You talk with other people around me
I flush red
You like someone else
I cry
You like me
I like you
I really hope these tips help! I wasn't trying to be harsh, just as a reader we want to be shown not told. I have had to learn that too, and it's much harder to show a person than to tell them. Work on it a little. I hope this helps!
OverEasy
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