Published February 8, 2008
I look at you.
You are looking at me.
You look away.
I look away, then again at you
You laugh.
I feel warm and happy inside.
You don't come to school.
I am sad.
You cry.
I try not to look.
You talk to another girl.
I feel like I am ripped in half.
We have the same lunch period.
I brush my hair.
You talk with other people around me,
I turn red as a tomato.
You like someone else,
I feel like I might as well be dead.
I like you.
You like me.
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139,476 Literary Works • 672,575 Reviews
I really hope these tips help! I wasn't trying to be harsh, just as a reader we want to be shown not told. I have had to learn that too, and it's much harder to show a person than to tell them. Work on it a little. I hope this helps!
OverEasy
I really don't like the repition its kind of lame. No offense. I like the poem it was well thought out. I think you need to add some punctionuation in there.
Good Luck Gothgirl01
Hi! Welcome to YWS! Please take a moment to look over the Rules & Guides. We do ask that you do two reviews of others work before posting everyone one pieces of your own and that the ratio stays 2:1. Thanks!
Now onto the poem...
There really isn't much here that scream for me to read it again. Here's a few things to do:
1. Use punctuation. Seriously, use it. This is my biggest pet peeve in poetry. Without it the whole thing is rad in one breath and I just can't hold my breath that long.
2. Use flow to your advantage. This is very choppy, and most of it doesn't go together. "We have the same lunch time" and "I brush my hair" don't have anything to do with each other.
3. Don't use two line stanzas. It's just too short and interrupts the flow completely.
4. Read lots and lots of poetry and analyze it for what you think makes it poetry, the feelings the author is trying to convey, and why it was published...then apply that to your own work.
5. Add poetic elements. Similies, metaphors, imagery, some decent diction, etc.
Good luck!
I'm sorry alex but it's not very good. What you didn't do was get the reader to feel what you were feeling. In other words, there was no feeling to the story and it was kinda pointless, with no meaning. You didn't really explain who the guy was and what purpose he had in your life (all though i already know who he is). you still need to explain who he is, who you are, what's going on and so forth.
I sorry but this is really heart breaiking 'cause i know that you can do better than that.
i wait for you to redo it.PM me if you need any help, or have questions, k?
I'm waiting!
Um... I still don't get what this poem is about. It's jumbled, it's plotless, it's unpoetrylike as possible. It basically sounds like a poem a second grader would've written.
Sorry for the harshness---after all, you ARE a new member and I MUST be evil to you in order for you to get better at writing, eh? It's okay--this is only your first (I think?) poem on here.
I look at you
You are looking at me
You look away
I look away then again at you
PUNCTUATION? No. Imagery? No. Details? No. Coherence? No. Emotion? A failed attempt.
Here are three basic rules for you to live on when it comes to poetry:
1. Yes, the vocabulary lists your English teacher gives you every week DO help. Use vocab in abundance; not only does this make your story more vivid and detailed, it also poses an accessible challenge for the reader. Just make sure to not just sprinkle them around--use them when you need to, not when you can.
2. STYLE, STYLE, STYLE! Use the poetry sheet the teacher gave you. Imagery, metaphores, similies--use them as much as you can. They help, just like the vocab does--but these are even more special.
3. The structure of a poem is incredibly important. Don't just say:
Bob looked at me,
I looked at Bob
Bob looks away
I look away then at Bob.
Make things different, make things organized and yet luxiourious. Never aim for simple.
Hope I helped! PM me for help!
I like this poem and it flows quite well. However I do believe it is lacking a bit of something. Possibly content or maybe just innapropriate wording!!
Keep trying and posting!!!
Dofs...
Good flow. Spacing is very appropriate, it also helps the flow. I like the repeating.