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Points: 890
Reviews: 233

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Mon Feb 16, 2009 9:12 am

Pippiedooda says...

Hello me again I think you have done a lot of improving and its definetly better!! I've noticed a couple of things that I'll point out but overall much improved:

“Telmar, what brings you to our igloo on this fine day?” Peck and Telmar shook hands.

I just thought about this- wouldn't it be touched flippers or bowed their head in greeting seeing as their penguins?

Telmar smiled and removed the hood of his cloak and his green face could be seen.“

I'd replace the and with so.

Kendra yelled, mad at his rudeness. She looked at Peck with a serious face and then looked back at Telmar.

I'm not that keen on this part-I don't really like the use of mad and the last sentence I think could be arranged in a better way, so something like this: 'Kendra yelled, annoyed at his rudeness. She gave Peck a serious look before turning back to face Telmar.'

Kendra said in a questionable tone.

Its good that you are now adding in emotion to how they say things but sometimes it is just adding in what tone onto the end of said- which works sometimes but when used repeatedly doesn't sound right. I think you have a hard job with this as this piece has such alot of speech, I'd try missing out the said altogether a few times and replacing it with just 'Kendra sounded hesitant' or not even how they said it but what they looked like when they said it as this can give just as much idea about how they're talking- 'Kendra frowned, puzzled.'

You've managed to clear up the confusing parts I mentioned nicely

Good editing, look forward to reading more!

Points: 890
Reviews: 40

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Mon Feb 16, 2009 1:14 am

~Excalibur~ wrote a review...

Anthropomorphic penguins! Oh my!

Yay for originality, but the dialogue was cliche and so awkward I thought I was watching an episode of Dora the Explorer or something akin to any other children's show. Perhaps it was also the idea of animated penguins speaking in such a direct and simple way that made me come to this conclusion...

Anyways, the dialogue's content is what holds much of the fault in this review, as the other points were hammered out two posts above this. Specific dialogue problem, ancient prophecy. Yeah, that was one right out of the cliche book, but just a lot of the dialogue seemed so childish. I really thought I was reading a manuscript for a British children's program!

Be aware of the talking head issues because while you try to spice it up, it doesn't adequately do the job. Even if you are writing this towards a younger audience, this is one point in which changes will be useful.

Since I was looking at this myself a while ago, I will post this helpful page. I don't want to copy and paste Mr. Gardner's work, but I really believe this will help you with your very dialogue driven piece. http://www.thinkage.ca/~jim/prose/talkingheads.htm

This does seem to be a fun read and it is quite good in concept, just work on the dialogue and you'll have a great story.

Points: 7829
Reviews: 239

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Sun Feb 15, 2009 6:39 pm

MeadowLark wrote a review...

A story about penguins? And frogs nad fairies? So cool and different. But different is good. Pippiedooda pointed practically everything out. But I agree with her. Try not to be so repetitive and vary your words. Said is used way too much.

Also:

“Hello, Kendra. I have come here to tell you and your husband about something that might have to do with your son. If that’s ok with you.” Telmar said.

You do this quite often throughout your work. It should be a comma not a period. Now if you said: "...If that's okay with you." Telmar got up and began to pace the room. That's when you use a period. I hope I didn't confuse you.

This is pretty interesting and I hope you continue on. Happy Writing!

Meadow

Points: 890
Reviews: 233

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Sun Feb 15, 2009 5:30 pm

Pippiedooda wrote a review...

Hi I loved the idea of writing a story on penguins! The whole idea aswell of frogs and fairies was very interesting, its the sort of story I can imagine being made into a childrens film
Here are a few comments on possible improvements:

It was a calm and quiet morning among the cluster of igloos known as the Southern Village in the great tundra that was called the Artic Pole.

This is quite a long sentence to start off with. I'd take a bit out to shorten it down, perhaps leaving it as 'It was a calm and quite morning in the Southern village of the Arctic pole.' Then you could add in the next sentence about the igloo's.

A cloaked green colored penguin made his way through the paths between the homes of the many penguins. He came to the igloo of the village’s lumberjack named Peck and his lovely wife Kendra. The cloaked penguin knocked on the door and an orange colored female penguin answered the door.

I think you use penguin too much here. You don't need to as you can tell very quickly that its a village of penguins. Instead of 'between the homes of the many penguins' I'd say something like 'between the igloos of his neighbours'. I'd also miss out penguin after 'orange coloured female' as I think you can kind of presume she's a penguin anyway.

I'd miss out 'the door' at the end of the last sentence as you don't need it.

Peck something that I thing will affect us all

Thing needs to be think.

“Alright, come inside.” Kendra opened the door and allowed Telmar to come inside. They came into a cozy living room with a small fire light in the center of the floor.

I'd change the second 'come inside' to 'to enter' so you're not repeating yourself. Light would make more sense as lit to me.

The head of the igloo, Peck was sitting in one of the two chairs made out of snow that resided in the room.

I'm not sure what you mean by 'head of the igloo'. You could either say 'At the head of the igloo Peck was sitting...' or if you mean that Peck is the head of the family then I'd change it to 'The head of the family, Peck, was sitting...'

Did you come all the way from the North Village?” He said.

This is a question so it needs to be asked instead of said.

Peck stared at him in disbelief. “You have come to tell us about some silly prophecy. He bursted out into laughter.

This needs to be started on a new line as it is someone new talking. You also need to add in speech marks after prophecy and bursted needs to be burst.

“Peck!” Kendra shouted. “Please continue Telmar.”

“Peck! Stop that!” Kendra yelled. “Continue Telmar.”

“Peck!” She hit him on the back of his head. “I’m very sorry Telmar, please continue.”

I like how this progresses but I'd replace please continue with something new each time as its a bit too repetitive. 'Carry on' or 'ignore him' would work just as well.

Peck bellowed and he started laughing

Peck started laughing wildly.

Peck went into a wild fit of laughter

If he'd already started laughing then stopped you need to say so because I had the impression that he just carried on laughing all the time in which case it would not be started again. I think another word other than wild can be used the second time aswell- such as 'uncontrollable', 'uproarious' or 'hysterical'. You could also change 'went into' to something more exciting like 'erupted.'

“Ok, but please don’t interrupt me again or I’ll take my information else where.” The green penguin threatened.

if your threatening someone you don't really say please, I'd get rid of it.

“Yes, but what does that have to do with our son.” Kendra asked.

You need a question mark after son.

You say 'said' quite a few times where I think you could replace it with a more exciting word. You also use it after a question when it should be asked or queried. The first part of the conversation seemed a bit robotic and unreal to me, I think you need to put more feeling into your characters- are they smiling? frowning? How does their voice sound? Do they move around at all? I still don't know much about the penguins characters so I think you need to work on that. You also repeat words sometimes, try to vary what descriptions you use to keep your story interesting.

I was a little confused by the age of Pecky- I had gotten the impression from the conversation that he was older if he would train with Telmar. I think you need to add somewhere about him being able to do all these things when he's older.

Overall though I did like your story- its a really nice concept and I am interested as to where it is going

I'm sorry if this review comes across a bit harshly, I hope you continue!:)

Young Writers Society

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