Published April 20, 2009
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140,890 Literary Works • 673,701 Reviews
Hello! Wonderful poetry, dear. I loved it.
First off, I just want to say that you have a wonderful inspiration for this piece; I can really tell all that you put into this.
I think you repeat "rain" a little too much; try finding some sort of figurative language for it. Sort of like... God's Tears or Heaven's Shower. Or, if you don't want anything religious, then try Tears of Life or something as simple as water-drops. See what I mean? Any one of those are more interesting than to say "rain" a whole bunch!
I would try putting this into a present tense mode. You are in past tense, but I think present tense would give us more of a feeling of understanding and a sense of what you felt. There is nothing wrong with past tense, I am just making a suggestion
Four "the"s in a row?! I would try finding a different beginning, at least in just one of those. Preferably the middle one; you can do something like this;
Sounds of drops, splashing against the ground, comforted me.
Better? No? Yes? OK.
I think for a more dramatic ending you could do;
The rain sends me into tranquility.
Perfect.
Better? I hope
All- in- all, a wonderful piece of poetry. Absolutely gorgeous; you should really do more of environmental things, such as this one. You seem good at it.
Congratulations! You are my hundredth review, and my 400th post! I was looking for a special piece for these; this piece is plenty special!
Keep on writing! You did a great job with this. I hope I helped some!
The simplicity of this first part is actually refreshing because it implies that this poem is going to fluctuate (hopefully) - that is, not remain simplistic or start out heavy and stay that way until the end. If that doesn't happen, then you just wasted miles of potential.
Again - and I must confess that I am surprised - this flows better than what was expected. The repetition of "me" works, provides a waterfall for the reader to careen down and create an emotional release sometime later. The third line of the above quote, however, needs to be shortened to conform with the previous two lines if you want to keep the flow. "this", "so much", and "seemed", for example, are worthless words that are a blight on what is otherwise a good line. Take them out, move the words around, create something more precise and concise.
What a crash. The poem was sailing on a wave for the first half and then completely dropped into the realm of typical amateur verse, especially when you preach to us about what makes you human and what doesn't. The reader isn't stupid; poetically, you should give him the message without having to spell everything out for him. Unfortunately, you've done just that and ruined whatever energy the beginning and middle of the poem were stirring up. Instead of telling us about how rain provides an escape from reality, metaphor it for us, use the imagery that you were playing with in the starting. Provide continuity. The same goes for the rest of the lines in the above quote.
Hope that helped.