Deep breaths they say
In and out
Inhale and exhale
Inhale and stop
6 seconds pass; Exhale for 4
Lungs expand and contract
Oxygen depletes
A sigh
A laugh
all lodged in my throat
blocked by this mass that chokes me
unable to breathe, to speak
its useless, this deep breathing
it doesn’t really help to untangle
this mess of thoughts
it doesn’t really ease
this sharp biting pain
it doesn’t really soften
the jagged edges of my heart
it doesn’t really stop
my tears from flowing
perhaps one day I’ll feel better
But today is not that day
So I’ll keep on filling these lungs
What a waste of air, I think
Perhaps I owe the trees an apology
For using up so much of their precious oxygen
And perhaps one day
It’ll be worth it
It’ll be worth the wait
Enduring all this pain
And perhaps one day I’ll be happy
And can simply breathe again.
- Zaibae
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This was very good! I liked the rhythm of it, but one thing I would suggest if you do not mind is that maybe you could make the rhymes easier to spot. Pain and again are great rhymes, and I applaud you for being so talented, but contract and laugh are a little less obvious. That may not be what you meant to do at all, and if that is the case, I apologize sincerely. I look forward to reading your future work. Have a great day!
Hello there!
Thank you for the lovely review and constructive criticism! I'm glad you like the poem and there's no need to apologize. I actually do not do much of rhyming poems, i find it rather limiting. Most of my poems are a bit sporadic and they rhyme only coincidentally
Thanks again and have a great day!
Much love,
Zaibae
What a beautiful poem. I can really feel the narrator's frustration and anxiety/depression. I really love the line "blocked by this mass that chokes me." I very elegantly describes the feeling. The flow of this was great! Making the poem have an almost stuck vibe. As if the 'breathing' of the poem itself isn't regular or deep. Sorry if that doesn't make any sense. "What a waste of air, I think Perhaps I owe the trees an apology" are very clever lines. The only suggestion I have is to maybe make some of the lines, in the end, be shorter to break up the longer ones. Although the short lines in the beginning and long in the end may add to the flow so it's really up to preference. Great job!
Thank you so much for the in depth review!! when i was writing this i was feeling very down and under and it was very choppy at first, and i tried to bring the flow together. I wrote very short lines at first, but a friend told me to alternate between long and short lines.
again, thank you very much for the constructive criticism. I really appreciate it and it helps a lot.
Much love,
Zaibae
Hello,
This poem is really well written! I like that you describe such a common topic in a way that we can closely relate to. Anxiety is something we all know, but these lines really express how a person feels when going through this. The whole idea centers around how difficult it is to breathe, and I think that's really emotional and its something a lot of us can connect to.
I also think you should try using more punctuation to strengthen your lines. Adding more pauses will really make it stick to your reader.
Overall, really great job on this poem and I hope to read more form you!
Keep Writing
Thank you so much for the kind review and constructive criticism!
Its true, we all know anxiety from time to time and i wanted to write something both I and the reader could relate to.
I'll definitely try to incorporate more punctuation next time!
Thanks and much love,
Zaibae
Hey, there. This piece reflects the reality of anxiety well. Having been there myself, I can understand the feeling that some methods seem utterly useless, and one wishes the source of anxiety, whatever that may be, could simply be removed. And although sometimes we feel that we might as well just give up and die, our feelings don't overpower the fact that we are created with a beautiful purpose. This work is nicely written.
I noticed only one spot where there was an error - probably a typo. It is in this phrase: "its useless, this deep breathing". The "its" needs an apostrophe. Again, probably a typo. Otherwise, nicely done! Keep writing!
Thank you so much for the kind review and constructive criticism!
I definitely feel like deep breathing doesn't work well for my anxiety.
I hope you are doing well. Thanks for the lovely message.
I only spotted the typo when you pointed it out! thank you so much!
Much love,
Zaibae
Good morning!
I relate to this piece so much. I really like how down-to-earth it is about the breathing aspect to anxiety. In fact, I really like how it starts out with the advice almost every anxious person has heard before. It gives this feeling of the speaker saying with such exasperation, "I get iiiit," so it does really well setting the tone for the rest of the piece.
I notice you don't have much punctuation, or it's at least very sporadic, and I'd certainly recommend probably using proper punctuation. I think you have a lot of complete sentences, and the poem isn't necessarily written to feel out-of-breath or anything like that. It's almost like a narrative of anxiety, in my opinion, so punctuation would help this read better. Just food for thought, though!
This repetition is really awesome. My rule of thumb has always been to repeat in threes, but it's also not as distracting here. It works really well and fits the rhythm of the piece. Your imagery shines through here as well, so this section was just super cool.
This part made me smile. I like that the speaker's wit shines through these lines, giving them a little more character. It would be REALLY cool to see even more of this personality, but only if you see it work out that way. It really personalizes the poem, narrows down the scenario it's conveying.
A good simple piece! It's a very real feeling that the poem is describing, and I think a lot of people will relate to it. Well done!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Dear Jabber,
thank you so very much for this kind review and constructive criticism. I'm glad it is relatable and very happy that you like it.
I really don't pay much mind to punctuation but it is becoming increasingly obvious that i should. I'll keep this in mind next time i write.
Also, i really love repetition, especially if it can convey a deeper meaning. I'm glad you like it (and the wit that shines through :p)
Thanks again.
Much love,
Zaibae