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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
I did understand that this song was about sex, so I don't think you need to worry about that except I think the line about the arrows is unclear though, the rest of it is fine.
I know what a lilo is haha but I still think it's a weird word to use in song, however that makes your song unique and I like that about it.
Good job overall
from emalily
hey Sonny,
You asked what a lilo was. A lilo is a very common word in England, don't know if it is anywhere else. It's just an inflatable bed or a float you can use in swimming pools, that kind of thing.
I didn't really want to put anything about this because I thought the lyrics would be self-explanatory.
"Let's tear the bedposts of our bed"
I was just trying to get across the underline theme of this song, which is sex and that these two people are literally tearing their lives apart for each other.
"Shoot red arrows through our heads" With this I was trying to get across the idea of them shooting themselves with cupids arrow. A bit worried that a lot of my ideas didn't come through. Is it that unclear?
"We twist our bodies out of time" The theme of sex again.
This song is meant to be about two people making love and getting so wrapped up in each other that they forget everything else and "make the world stop spinning". Is there anything you can think of that would make it clearer?
Izzy
hey! Looks like I am your first reviewer!!!!! Im sonny by the way. the things i bold are things linked to comments
my comments are in the red color:)
Slowly, Slowly
Let's tear the bedposts of our bed #FF0000 ">ok Im not sure what it is but this sentence doesnt make sense. maybe its a bad opening line
Slowly, Slowly
Shoot red arrows through our heads
#FF0000 ">Im not feeling any emotion in the part
It's said,
That the world just won't stop spinning
Till you look at me
Your hand in mine
#BF0000 ">I really like this part:)
We twist our bodies out of time
#FF0000 ">ok this is kind of random but its very feeling which i like
We'll see, you and me
If the world just won't stop spinning
Slowly, Slowly
Like a lilo loosing air #BF0000 ">what is a lilo? i like how your using uncommon words here but i need something descriptive
Slowly, Slowly,
Your hand grips too tightly in my hair
It's said,
That the world just won't stop spinning
Till you look at me
Your hand in mine
We twist our bodies one last time
We'll see, you and me
If the world just won't stop spinning
#FF0000 ">overall its okay but i really think if you change these things you could be on to something big!:) So keep up the good work and I look forward to seeing more of your work.
and p.s. grammer does matter but i didnt see anything worng
#FF40BF ">Sonny