Published February 3, 2012
[A short scene I was thinking of turning into something longer, I think some of it reads oddly so it would be nice to get some feedback on that]
Catching Jelly Fish
The tide stretched it’s way towards the shore, criss-crossing between broken shards of rock, stone and piping. Seagulls, old enough to fly but not yet confident, stepped uneasily in the shallow surf, waiting for an opportune gust of wind to carry them away.
The children were four, five and seven this year; their cheeks pink from the cold, despite their coloured cagoules. The eldest, a boy with damp brown hair sticking to his forehead, grasped a metal pole as a makeshift walking stick. He stuck it tentatively in the rock pools, swiping back seaweed in an attempt to unearth yellow shelled crabs and sea snails.
Last year, they had caught a jelly fish and taken it home in a jar for father, and this year they hoped to do the same. He had been pleased, grasping the boy’s shoulder and promising a fishing trip in the summer.
Fishing, the boy had discovered, was not as interesting as jelly fish hunting.
The weather had been dull and dreary, a typical English summer, father had called it, and they had sat and waited for a sea trout to favor their line until the the cucumber sandwiches had gone soggy with salt water.
The boy had squirmed with disinterest too often and the fish had shyed away from his movements. Once or twice, when they were very quiet, a shadow in the water was almost persuaded near enough to their hook, but then the boy would stand up or yell in excitement and it would be gone in a flash.
After four the pair had retired back to the beach, soaked to the skin and empty handed. Father said next time they’d try downstream but the boy didn’t seem convinced.
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Cool! I've never heard of jellyfish hunting.
This would make a lovely longer story. You did a good job setting the mood here. You had a couple commas missing, no big deal:
Seagulls, old enough to fly (comma) but not yet confident
The children were four, five (comma) and seven this year
After four (comma) the pair had retired back to the beach
The story didn't seem to read that oddly to me.
grasped a metal pole as a makeshift walking stick.<------ That didn't seem like what he was doing. It seemed like he was using it to move things around in the rock pools and to stab things he wanted to collect.
The transition between the seashore and his recalled fishing trip was the only odd thing to me. Even doing this would help:
Fishing, the boy had discovered, was not as interesting as jelly fish hunting:
instead of
Fishing, the boy had discovered, was not as interesting as jelly fish hunting.
The story does seem to end in a weird place, so I would suggest continuing it, (since I also think this is a good start to a story).
Lastly, what are cagoules? I've never heard of them.
This seems unfinished...