This is a bit jumbled up, hope you guys like it :]
An Ode to Beauty
Sugar sweet,
Her breath is like fairy dust against your fingertips
Hot summers, Tulips, Turkish delight,
Instant addiction
You’re hooked, to everything;
The flutter of her heartbeat,
The regulated rise and fall of her chest,
An ode to beauty
Hold her damp weight on your skin
And let her starfish fingers inflict crescent moons on your hands
Because you're her flutter-bye friend
And she’s made you know adoration for the very first time
Timeless rocking as she lulls,
Wondering how she dreams so contently,
You get a strong coffee
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey Zaddie,
You're correct that it's a little all over the place -- in quality. It jolts from good images to cliche, and never really knows whether it's good or bad. I'll give you some clues -- sugar sweet isn't good, fairy dust against your fingers is. Flutter of her heartbeat, no, too overused; starfish fingers, yes (although you already made a finger reference.) You're stronger when you reference real-world things (Turkish delight) because this gives us a better glimpse than familiar comments about heartbeats and adoration. Those sort of vague concepts have no depth, while metaphors formed with concrete, not abstract, images stay with us longer.
I won't comment on the stilted flow because I think language should be your main concern here.
Hello Zaddie!
Here are a couple of pointers:
I agree that this was a bit all over the place but the imagery you used made up for it. You may want to rearrange some of your ideas though so it makes more sense.
I loved the imagery of the second stanza but I thought that a lot of the phrases you used in the first stanza were quite cliche. For example:
This idea of the fluttering heart beat is really over-used and if you are going to use this imagery you need to re-word it so that it is fresh and new.
I thought your structure and general flow of the poem was very nice. I liked the way you spaced out every line because it made it easier to read!
As for the punctuation I think you had it pretty spot on! I wanted a period at the end though, or possibly and ellipsis, you choose.
Other than this though I thought it was really sweet. I loved the last line, it was a really nice, unexpected close to the poem!
Well Done,
Keep Writing!
~Lydia